How to cut ties with a toxic family member: Here's a guide to everything you need to know

As we enter the new year and try out new resolutions, one may be to end 2024 with one less toxic family member in your life. If it is, you're definitely not alone.

In late December 2023, "Laguna Beach" alum Kristin Cavallari shared she recently made the decision to end her relationship with her father after years of alleged emotional abuse.

Talking to host Dr. Sherrie Campbell of the "Let's Be Honest" podcast, Cavallari shared she became more aware of her dad's toxic behaviour as an adult. "All I knew growing up was that I didn't want to be around him," Cavallari told Campbell. "He always made me feel like I wasn't good enough."

But it was when her father "crossed a line" with Cavallari's two kids that the star made the decision to fully cut him out, People reported. "I can take the abuse. I have my whole life. But it's like when you start now, messing with my kids – I'm not doing it," Cavallari said.

Ending a relationship with a toxic family member can be tough. Dr. Natasha Williams, a Toronto-based psychologist, tells Yahoo Canada it's OK to set boundaries — even with the people that raised you.

Here's what you need to know.

Should I feel guilty for wanting to cut out family?

Williams has seen first-hand how the societal archetype of family makes it difficult for people to leave.

"A lot of times we're fed a dialogue of how we have to interplay in our family; so regardless of what people do, they're your mother, they're your father, you're supposed to listen," Williams said. This can lead to an internalized belief that we have to maintain these relationships and be privy to abusive or neglectful behaviour.

Williams assures that isn't the case. "While we have expectations of what a mother is or what a father is or what a parent is, we need to look at Jim or Diane or the individual that is underneath that title," she explained. "Do those two ideas coincide? If not, we now need to mentally separate those two.”

There are many reasons why someone may make the decision to cut out a family member. For Toronto resident Kimberly Knight, a relationship with a sibling that had become increasingly toxic came to a head in November 2022, after many years of receiving negative energy from them.

The straw that broke the camel's back was when Knight's sibling accused her of something she didn't do, according to Knight. "Over the years, there were times where the things [they] said did not sit well with me, things [they] did did not sit well with me, and I still tried to make this relationship work," she told Yahoo Canada.

Knight, a co-founder of The Villij, explained she consistently felt like she had to manage her sibling's emotions. She said she was tiptoeing around them — and she'd had enough.

"I decided I don't want to be in a relationship with someone that I can't fully be myself, because I didn't want to experience their negative reactions."

Cutting her sibling out was a tough decision and not one that Knight made lightly, coming after a lot of internal reflection about what she wanted.

Williams explained it's important to consider how a person makes you feel. "If you notice this person comes around and it is just a spirit of negativity as a result of being in their presence, that in and of itself is a first tell-tale sign," the expert said.

How can I establish and communicate my boundaries?

When it comes to tangible steps for ending the relationship, Williams suggested first looking internally and doing the personal work. "You have to start from a place of self, [answering] 'what is it that I want?'"

After you've set those boundaries with yourself, comes the tough part: communicating them to your family member. Williams claimed this communication doesn't have to happen in-person, especially if there are safety concerns involved. It can be communicated in whatever way feels comfortable for you — whether it's a text, phone call or email.

Once those boundaries are communicated, it's up to you to maintain them — and most likely expect a little bit of push back. "Whatever it is that you said,... If it's a matter of, 'I am no longer going to be answering your calls anymore, because every time you call me it ends up becoming a verbal attack or assault,' then if they do try to call again, you have the right to not answer the phone because you've already communicated your boundaries."

For Knight, this happened over a text she sent to her sibling, who lives in another city. "The last text that I sent to them was: 'I will continue to love you, but I have to do it from a distance," Knight recalled. They never responded.

It's normal — and OK— to grieve the relationship, expert says

"It was really awful," Knight said of the moment she sent that text, "because this is someone that I was close to, it was someone that I would check up on and we'd have daily conversations."

She also wondered, in those first few weeks, if she'd made the right decision, second-guessing herself and asking friends what they thought. "I was really hurt by this person and what they had accused me of, and it took me months to really be okay with the situation and finding the end of it."

Feelings of guilt — and even sadness — in the aftermath of ending a relationship is normal, Williams assured, even if you know it was for the best. In the same way you might grieve the physical death of a family member, "we have to give that space and that time to grieve the end of that process… grieving the death of that relationship."

As tough as it may be to initially cut someone off, in the end it is worth it.

Over a year after she ended communication with her sibling, Knight said she's happy with her decision. "I feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders," Knight claimed. "I don't know if that person has changed, but because of the pattern over the years, it became very heavy to have to carry that; I feel much lighter."

Ultimately, "I had to choose myself," Knight said. "I've learned to just manage my own emotions and take care of myself."

Let us know what you think by commenting below and tweeting @YahooStyleCA! Follow us on Twitter and Instagram.