Gossip Can Be (Kinda) Good For You—But Only If You Follow These Rules
There is nothing I love more than a piping hot cup of tea. I’m not talking about Earl Grey. I mean a good old-fashioned salacious spot of goss about a third party, even if I don’t know them. Did your cousin’s fiancée’s maid of honor refuse to wear the selected bridesmaid dress? Tell me everything. Is your yoga teacher’s friend cheating on her boyfriend with her dog walker? I'm ready for every debaucherous detail, and I will have follow-up questions. Call me Gretchen Wieners because my hair? Full to the brim with secrets.
While I may be unabashed in my love of gossip, societally speaking, this behavior isn’t exactly looked upon favorably. Many dismiss this as superfluous, vapid, or just plain mean. Even I can admit I’ve left a hearsay-filled hang with a pit in my stomach, feeling guilty for spending time and energy on what truly is not my business—even if I may have felt otherwise in the moment.
But while gossip itself may not have the best rep (ironic, no?), it does serve an essential societal function, says Michele Gelfand, PhD, a cultural psychologist and a professor at Stanford University who co-authored a 2024 study on this topic. Talking about others can help to maintain a code of ethics among our social groups and the larger society, she adds: “It’s a monitoring function that adds some sense of accountability.”
Ahead, more about the evolution of gossip and how to stop it if you think you’re going overboard.
Why People Gossip
Gossip has been around as long as humans have talked to one another. Research shows that people gossiped in ancient Greece, and anthropologists are studying its function in hunter-gather societies, says Gelfand. “There are estimates among Americans that we spend almost an hour a day talking about people who are not present,” she adds.
It’s the last part that separates gossip from a regular ole information sharing. “Gossip is very broadly defined as anytime we’re talking about someone who is not there to another party,” says Gelfand. She also confirmed what I’ve known my whole life: Gossiping can be a fun bonding activity. “It glues us together.”
When the information we’re spreading or listening to is truthful, it can have an important impact and help set a social standard for behavior, says Terence Dores Cruz, a postdoctoral researcher at the University of Amsterdam. Imagine a co-worker tells you they saw your boss throw garbage on the ground outside, and he is disgusted by how gross that behavior is and how bad it is for the environment. By hearing that information, “you learn that you should not do this; if you do, you will also be talked about negatively,” he says.
The same applies if you say something nice about a colleague or friend. If you tell your colleagues you saw someone cleaning up the street outside of your workplace, they may be more inclined to mirror that behavior or, at the very least, avoid making a mess. “You learn what behaviors are good and which are bad just from having these conversations about others,” says Dores Cruz.
Gossipers can provide people with a warning about malicious actors, too. “They disseminate information about reputation, so people know who to interact with,” says Gelfand. When this happens, it causes others to cooperate or fall in line for fear that their reputation may also be tarnished, she adds.
Are you a good gossip or a bad gossip?
Gossip takes a turn when it is not true and/or used maliciously, the experts say. If someone spreads a lie about a third party, it can have a lasting impact on the reputations of both the third party and the speaker because people believe gossip, says Dores Cruz, who co-authored a study on this topic published in the Royal Society in 2021. “Because people often gossip with friends or others they are very close with, they are, in our study, unlikely to think that the information is false,” he says.
Humans care deeply about their reputation, says Gelfand, and historically speaking, it makes sense. In the olden days, people who behaved badly were shunned or even killed. Look no further than the Salem witch trials to understand the societal impact of gossip or sharing false information. Nowadays, “we care about a reputation because we might experience what some would call a ‘psychological death,’ that people exclude us or ostracize us,” she says. “That is a huge motivation [to protect your reputation].”
And motivation matters—in regards to both intention and outcome. People who lie about others in their gossip tend to do so out of selfish motivations or revenge, says Gelfand. While some may think they are going to feel better by spreading rumors or straight-up falsehoods about a third party, they rarely do, she adds.
Any moment of triumph you may feel from your act of “revenge” will be fleeting, says Marianna Strongin, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist based in New York City. (Who knew schadenfreude was so short-lived? Not me.) “Talking about other people’s misfortunes may feel good for a moment. We might feel superior, or boost our own self-esteem. But in the long term, there are very few gains,” says Strongin. “That’s why it’s dangerous—a very short-term boost with almost no long-term benefits.”
How To Stop Gossiping
If you’re starting to get the ick from all the idle chatter in your life, there are many steps you can take to slow down, be more mindful, or even stop gossiping altogether.
1. Consider your motivation.
It can feel intoxicating to know something. But before you spill the beans, pause and consider why you have the urge to gossip. Maybe you feel socially anxious or are bored, says Strongin. If that is the case, and you are considering sharing personal or even damaging information, try to course correct. Instead of relying on juicy tidbits to fill dead air, be honest at the cocktail party and tell your friend you’re feeling awkward. Divulging something vulnerable about *yourself* is likely to lead to stronger bonds anyway, says Strongin. (More on that in a sec.)
2. Lean into your vulnerability.
If your motivation for gossiping is bonding, consider the quality of connection you seek before spilling the tea. “Gossip creates more short-term emotions than long-term emotions,” Strongin says. “Being vulnerable leads to long-term connection.” For example, instead of trashing the hideous shoes your friend Samantha wore to lunch last week (she doesn't need to catch a stray, mkay!), opt to chat about an upcoming event you’re excited for, and ask a friend her advice on what to wear.
3. Think about other ways to connect.
While it may be tempting to start a conversation with your friends about the ridiculous post you saw on Instagram from your high school classmate, it’s not always the most fulfilling or productive conversation, says Strongin. This is why you should think of ways to vary how you connect, adds Gelfand, like discussing a TV show you like or a book you’re reading. This can still bring friends closer together without potentially harming anyone else in the process.
4. If/when you do gossip, be clear.
Gossiping is human nature, so if and when you do share information about someone who is not around, be clear about your intention, says Gelfand. “If you want people to understand you’re trying to help the group, say that,” she suggests. (After all, gossip does have protective properties!)
Whether you’re a certified gossip girl or just on the receiving end of all the dirt, considering your conversational habits can be valuable. But before you pack up your tea set, remember that gossip can be good as long as you are truthful and clear in your intentions. So, pour me another cup, please—I’m all ears.
Meet the Experts: Marianna Strongin, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist based in New York City. Michele Gelfand, PhD, a cultural psychologist and a professor at Stanford University. Terence Dores Cruz, a postdoctoral researcher at the University of Amsterdam who studies gossip.
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