Toxic parents: How to handle rocky relationships as a kid, teenager or adult
It's natural for children to have conflicts with their parents. According to some experts, a little friction is healthy, even in the most positive parent-child relationships. But toxic parents, on the other hand, are a different story.
This dynamic can have permanent effects on a child, from infancy straight through adulthood. If you think you might be dealing with a toxic parent, here are some signs to look for and some ways to cope.
What is a toxic parent?
A parent's relationship with a child is meant to be nurturing, loving and supportive. Unfortunately, that's not always the case. Instead of protection and guidance, toxic parents are often guilty of child maltreatment. They might leave their children exposed to dangerous environments, neglect them and use tactics like humiliation to control them.
A toxic parent can take many forms, and all of them are damaging to children. Toxic relationships can involve more obvious forms of harm, such as physical or sexual abuse, or they might be more subtle and focus on manipulation.
What are signs of toxic parenting?
There's no one-size-fits-all description of a toxic parent, making it difficult for children to know something's wrong. There are, however, signs that you can look for in your own home, or in the homes of children you know:
Violence
Verbal or emotional abuse
Assigning blame to the child
Manipulation
A lack of appropriate boundaries
Self-centred behaviour
Jealousy
Unrealistic expectations for the child's behaviour
Toxic relationships in general can have negative outcomes, but children's relationships with their parents lay the foundation for their futures. Adverse childhood experiences, like those caused by a toxic parent, can lead to several lifelong struggles, including chronic health conditions, risky behaviours and even early death.
What should kids do if they have a toxic parent?
Perhaps the biggest challenge is for kids to recognize that their parents are toxic in the first place. Children often believe that what they have experienced growing up is normal. In some cases, children may lie or hide physical evidence to protect their parents, even when they're extremely abusive. Toxic parents will reinforce that misperception to protect themselves and justify their choices.
As children get older, they sometimes become more aware that something isn't quite right. Teens who have experienced healthier relationships with other adults like coaches and teachers might be able to see their parents's behaviour more clearly over time.
No matter their age, the most important thing kids with toxic parents can do is develop a strong support system. This could include teachers, school counsellors and even the parents of a trusted friend. It's critical that kids have the opportunity to tell outside adults what's happening behind closed doors so that they can offer support and, in severe cases, intervene to prevent further abuse.
How can adults handle toxic parents as fellow parents?
The true healing from a relationship with a toxic parent often begins when you reach adulthood. Some people do not recognize the toxic nature of their relationships with their parents until they become parents themselves.
Unlike young children, adults have greater access to opportunities for change and recovery. Some of the steps you can take to help protect yourself from a toxic parent include:
Creating and enforcing strict boundaries that limit how and when your toxic parent can communicate with you
Cutting off contact if a toxic parent refuses to abide by the boundaries you set
Seeking therapy or counselling to treat the issues that can result from toxic parent relationships, including chronic depression, anxiety disorders and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
It's also important for children of toxic parents to protect their own kids from unhealthy environments. This might mean limiting or eliminating contact with your toxic parents, or only allowing your children to visit them while you are present.
Protecting your children from a toxic parent requires you to be especially self-aware. Public Health Agency of Canada statistics show that around 34 per cent of Canadian children under the age of 15 have experienced some kind of maltreatment.
Unfortunately, some abused children will become abusive parents, but this cycle isn't inevitable. You can monitor your own parenting to ensure that you aren't mirroring the treatment you received as a child, and seek support if you are struggling.
Adults outside the home should also be aware of the signs of toxic parenting. If you recognize that a child is struggling, you can offer support by:
Offering emotional support and be willing to listen
Explaining that the child is not at fault for the parent's toxic behaviour
Remaining calm and creating a safe space
Asking open, non-invasive questions to learn more about the situation
If you feel the child is in an especially dangerous or harmful situation, you can contact relevant groups and agencies to make a report or receive guidance on how to help.
Where can people with toxic parents find help?
As an adult, you can look for a counsellor or therapist to help you work through the effects of your toxic relationship with your parent. Children can also reach out to resources like the Kids Help Phone (1-800-668-6868) where they can receive e-mental health services 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
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