Here’s What to Say to Comfort Someone Who Just Had a Miscarriage
If you’re here, chances are you know and love someone who just experienced a miscarriage and you want to support them. You might also be here because you don’t have any experience with miscarriages—either first hand or through a different loved one—so you don’t know exactly what to say or do to actually be supportive. I get it, sensitive stuff like this can be tricky and you want to get it right.
The first step is actually understanding what this person in your life is experiencing in both a medical and physical sense. A miscarriage, which is also known as an early pregnancy loss, is the unexpected loss of a pregnancy before the 20-week mark, according to the Cleveland Clinic. They’re pretty common, with about 23 million miscarriages happening across the world every year, or about 44 losses a minute, based on a 2021 study in the weekly medical publication Lancet Journal. In the U.S. alone, that can be up to 1 in 4 pregnancies that end.
The cause of miscarriages vary, but chromosomal abnormalities in the embryo are the reason for roughly 50 percent of miscarriages that happen up to the 13 week mark, per the Cleveland Clinic. This has absolutely nothing to do with a pregnant person’s choices or behavior, says Stephanie Rand, MD, a board-certified ob-gyn and complex family planning specialist. “It’s not the pregnant person’s fault that they’ve had a miscarriage.”
Understanding this is crucial, especially since miscarriages are also medically known as “spontaneous abortions,” and in a post-Roe era, some states give harsh punishments to the pregnant people who endure miscarriages because of these new laws. All of this only exacerbates an already physically, mentally, and emotionally taxing experience.
Because of this loaded language, the present cultural climate, and potential for negative impacts holistically, it is super important to approach the situation with sensitivity—aka think carefully before you start spouting out platitudes like a random meme account. Keep scrolling for help on what to say—and what you absolutely shouldn’t say—when someone tells you about a pregnancy loss.
What are the impacts of a miscarriage?
Miscarriages can have obvious physical tolls, like heavy bleeding and intense cramps, but there can be psychological detriments too. “Sometimes in the immediate aftermath of a loss, there can be feelings of sadness, depression, anxiety, and anger,” says NYU Langone psychiatrist Marra G. Ackerman, MD, who specializes in mental health care for perinatal women. “There can also be guilt associated. Often the pregnant person who’s had a loss might think of things that they could have or should have done differently,” even though they know intellectually it wasn’t their fault.
Because there are no set rituals, like a funeral, for acknowledging a miscarriage, this can lead to “disenfranchised grief,” says Dr. Ackerman, who is also a clinical associate professor in the Department of Psychiatry at NYU Grossman School of Medicine. “People going through this don’t always have the same supports or the same recognition,” she explains, so it can further complicate already complex feelings.
Not everyone will feel the same way or experience a miscarriage the same, of course. “The intensity and duration of these feelings can differ depending on factors, like the timing of the loss, personal and cultural beliefs, and the availability of social support,” says reproductive psychiatrist Sarah Oreck, MD, founder of maternal mental healthcare brand Mavida Health. “Those with prior mental health conditions or limited access to support are at higher risk for more severe outcomes,” she adds.
What to say to someone who had a miscarriage
Mirror their language
Given all of the impacts, having something thoughtful and supportive to say will go a long way. Start by following the lead of the person who experienced the miscarriage. “It is so important for us, as providers, friends, and family members, to use the language that people want about their bodies, experiences, and their loss,” says Dr. Rand, noting that this, and close listening, is her approach with patients. “They are the expert of the terminology, the experience, the words, and the narrative about what they’re going through,” she says.
Of course, each person who goes through a miscarriage will have language that they are most comfortable with—some might prefer “miscarriage” while others might use “pregnancy loss”—but whatever it is, adopt it to show your support. You don’t have to understand why they’ve chosen the terminology they did, nor should you inquire about it at that time, but you should respect it.
Affirm their experience
On top of using their language, active listening to your loved one’s experience can go a long way as well. “Active listening does not mean talking, like interjecting or interrupting with your own thoughts,” explains Ce Anderson, a licensed psychotherapist and trauma recovery expert. “It means that you’re listening and saying things like, ‘Wow, that must be really difficult. I’m sorry you had to experience that.’”
Anderson recommends validating devastation if it’s present. “You want to treat it just as if they had lost a child that you could see, touch, hug,” she says. But keep in mind that not everyone will have a significant emotional reaction, and that’s okay too.
Ask how you can help
In traumatizing situations like these, sometimes people don’t know what they need. Other times, they’re acutely aware of it. Either way, this is something only they know and the best way to find out how you can support them is by asking. “You want to be able to ask open-ended questions,” says Anderson. Try something like, “What do you need in this moment?” or “How can I best support you right now?” Feel free to offer ideas, in case your loved one doesn’t have language for what could be beneficial to them. Offer things like: “Is it silence? A hug? Do you need dinner or a DoorDash gift card? Do you just want company?” Try not to bombard or overwhelm with questions, but you should feel free to tailor them to what you already know about the person’s loves and interests.
“You want that person to know that they are supported, not judged or being looked on with pity,” says Anderson “But that they are being loved on, respected, and given an opportunity to connect how they want.” This gives them a chance to accept help while maintaining boundaries.
What *not* to say to someone who had a miscarriage
Steer clear of "should"
Anderson recommends avoiding the word “should” since it is “a key indicator that you are passing judgment,” she says. And definitely don’t tell them they “should” get started on trying to conceive again. Dr. Rand has seen people feel overwhelmed by expectations to get pregnant right away after a loss, she says. “If they were trying to get pregnant, they feel sort of societal and family pressures to become pregnant immediately afterwards and they may not feel ready for that,” she says.
Don’t dismiss their experience
Because miscarriages are common, people can sometimes write them off and not recognize them as the grief experiences they are. “You want to avoid statements like, ‘Oh, this was meant to be,’ ‘You’ll have another chance,’ or ‘You can get pregnant again, right?’” says Anderson. These statements minimize the person’s experience.
Don’t force them to talk about it
Anderson also advises people not to try to force their loved ones into talking about what they have gone through. Even if you have the best intentions and believe it would help them, resist this urge. Ultimately, this is not for you to decide. “Respect the person’s boundary if they say, ‘I don’t want to talk about it,’” she says.
What to say if you already said something messed up and how to fix it
If you realize you said something unsupportive or harmful, making things right is still possible. The first step is accepting accountability. You shoved your foot in your mouth—own that; don’t justify it. Use one of the above approaches to now say what you should have from the beginning. Next is to apologize and acknowledge exactly how you missed the mark. Then finally, ask the person how they would like you to repair the relationship.
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