I've Been In A Relationship For 8 Years And Still Don't Know If I Want To Get Married — So I Made A Pros And Cons List
Hi, I'm Morgan! I'm a 30-year-old woman, and I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for eight years.
Aside from people asking when we'll have kids (never as we're childfree), the number one question we always hear is when we'll get married. But we've already lived together for seven years, raised a puppy-son we adore, and built a life together. Do we even need to get married? I'm still undecided.
Fortunately, my boyfriend fully supports me in whatever I choose, so he's not stressed either way.
So, I made a list of the pros and cons of marriage to help me with my decision:
Disclaimer: If you're happily married, that's awesome! If you're happily unmarried, that's also great! These are just my personal thoughts for my own relationship.
1.Pro: I'd love to have a wedding.
For a long time, I wanted to elope if we decided to get married. I imagined it as some romantic adventure: just the two of us saying our vows in a hot air balloon, or a waterfall, or a gondola in Venice.
But as I've gotten older, I've grown to place more importance on family. Most of my mine lives overseas, mainly in Australia, New Zealand, and Samoa. Since my parents are divorced, I can't remember a single time in my life when all my relatives on both sides of the family were together. A day celebrating my boyfriend and me, when everyone could gather in one place, would mean the world to me. I asked some family members if they would fly out if I just threw a big party instead of a wedding, and they said no, LOL. So it looks like a wedding is the only way I could make that dream happen.
2.Con: Weddings are EXPENSIVE.
We're from California (currently living in Austin but will move back in a few years). According to the Knot, the average cost of a California wedding was $41k last year. That's absolutely wild! IDK about you, but I don't have $41k magically sitting in a wedding fund, waiting for me.
Of course, there are plenty of ways to try and keep costs down like DIYing decor and finding cheaper venues. But one of the main tips for cutting expenses is to keep the guest list short, and that defeats the whole purpose for me. My cousin got married a few years ago and invited our whole family, and she had over 400 guests. While I wouldn't go that far, I'd want to share the special day with everyone who's special to me.
3.Pro: I could add my boyfriend to my healthcare plan.
It's common for employers to allow workers the option of adding their spouses or legal partners to their healthcare plans, as they're considered family. I will never understand why my boyfriend of 8 years is not considered family, but a couple who marries after a year together is.
Despite how silly I find it all, the fact remains that marriage would enable me to add my boyfriend to my plan. He works in an industry that doesn't provide health insurance to their employees, so this would bring our household peace of mind.
4.Con: The historical context of marriage leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
This is probably the biggest hang-up for me. Throughout history, marriage was an institution — often tied to religion — of female oppression in much of the world. For centuries, activists and scholars fought for women's bodily, financial, familial, educational, and professional rights. Many protested marriage specifically as it was one of the main vehicles through which men maintained control over women.
Even if we're talking about recent years, women didn't gain the federal right to open their own bank accounts until 1974! Prior to that, banks sometimes refused women if they didn't have their husband's signature or weren't married.
Though we obviously view marriage differently today, traces of its dark past linger in traditions like the father walking the bride down the aisle and handing her to the groom, which represented the transfer of property.
5.Pro: It can be a good financial decision.
Depending on numerous factors, you can potentially receive a percentage of your spouse's social security if they die. However, you can't collect multiple benefits at once (in this case, survivor benefit and retirement payment). You essentially receive whichever is higher, possibly giving you more options during what I'm sure would be the most difficult time of your life.
Also, you can potentially save money on taxes. Now, this depends on the couple's income as I've also heard of folks who ended up paying more in taxes after they got married. But for many people, they save on taxes by filing as a married couple. I'd have to do the math first, but saving money sounds great to me!
6.Con: Marriage means giving financial control away.
On the other side of the coin, marriage can also be a bad decision. My boyfriend is financially responsible, and I never have to worry about him paying his portion of the bills on time. Even so, I find this aspect of marriage scary.
California is a community property state. That means if your husband has a midlife crisis and buys a sports car, or takes out a loan, or doesn't pay his credit card off on time, all of that affects you. And if he dies in some kind of tragic accident? You're stuck with that debt.
Right now, my boyfriend and I have separate finances, and that's most comfortable for me. Maybe it's the financial trauma talking, but I find it empowering and reassuring to know that I'm fully in charge of my money.
7.Pro: We'd be able to make medical decisions for each other.
Hospitals consider spouses to be next of kin. If we got married, it would be a relief to know my boyfriend would make the medical decisions were I ever in some horrible accident or got super sick.
8.Con: Divorce seems really, really hard.
Nobody gets married thinking they'll be another divorce statistic. But according to Forbes, 43% of first marriages end in divorce. Both my boyfriend and I have parents who divorced, and neither of us wants that for ourselves.
I can't imagine my boyfriend and me ever breaking up. I don't even want to think about it, LOL. But hypothetically, if we ever did, it'd likely be much easier without needing to involve lawyers, pay fees, etc.
9.Pro: I would have beautiful wedding pictures.
This might seem silly as my boyfriend and I already have a bunch of pictures together. But the idea of photographing the day dedicated entirely to your love seems really special. I love when friends and family members share their wedding pictures on their anniversaries! Many of them look back every year to the time when all their loved ones gathered together to support their relationship, and that must be so sentimental as you age, especially as relatives and friends pass away.
10.Con: If we got married, I don't know if we'd maintain this feeling of choosing each other every day.
This obviously depends on the couple, but I've known people who seem to stay together simply because they're married. For me, there's something beautiful about purposefully remaining in our relationship. There's no legal document that binds us together; if we wanted to leave, we easily could. But every morning, we wake up and choose each other.
11.Pro: My boyfriend's family would officially become my family.
I'm very lucky that my boyfriend comes from such a wonderful family. I visit everyone back in California a couple times a year, and I go out to lunch with his mom every time. I miss spending the holidays with them all! We've visited his dad across the country, and he's also visited us. I already think of them all as family, but it's cute to think his mom would officially be my mother-in-law (though I've already called her that for years, LOL).
12.And finally, con: It's what everyone expects us to do.
Why is marriage still the expectation for everyone? There are so many paths we can take in life: staying happily single forever, casually dating, maintaining a monogamous relationship, enjoying a polyamorous one, etc. Everyone is different, and that's a beautiful thing! Some people want to get married, while others want to keep their relationships exactly how they are. Neither one is inherently better than the other, and people should feel free to do whatever makes them happy.
Any other pros or cons to marriage? Whether you're married or unmarried, how did you come to your decision? LMK your thoughts in the comments below!
