The How-to-Kiss Guide
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So, you’re looking to switch up how you smooch. Cool!
One of the (many) fun things about kissing is that — like most acts related to intimacy — how to kiss always holds room for more exploration. Maybe you’re someone who has a few signature makeout moves down pat. Or maybe you’re a little newer to the art of how to kiss someone. Either way, there are going to be tactics you probably haven’t tried yet. And, as far as trial and error goes, we’re pretty sure there are worse things to spend your time experimenting on.
Also on the error front, if you’re wondering how to be a good kisser, let’s get one thing clear: There are no bad kissers. There are some bad kisses, and we’ve all had or will have a few of those. (Cut to a scene of me during my last one, when I — after an unexpected, extra-wet kiss I didn’t see coming — let out a flustered laugh in the person’s face. Which is something I am, despite my current choice to digitally immortalize this moment, not exactly proud of.)
Basically, what I’m saying is: We all have our semi-sloppy moments. Don’t sweat them! Kissing is, and should be, fun, and if you really want to get a degree in how to kiss well, you could always take a Masterclass. (Seriously, there’s a Masterclass on how to kiss.) For the rest of us, we’ve rounded up pucker-worthy pieces of advice for how to kiss better (hint: it involves more than your lips), as well as the tragically common advice you should steer clear of (which definitely involves your tongue.) But first, we need to talk about what comes before locked lips. And that’s setting the stage for your smooch.
In this kissing how-to guide, you can find:
Kissing Advice 101: Building Up to a Kiss
If there’s one motivational makeout maxim you walk away from here, let it be this one: Sneak-attack kisses are simply not it.
What you do in the moments leading up to a kiss matters. It’s your window to set the vibe, as pre-kiss moves can help take the mood in a fun, playful direction or somewhere a bit hotter and heavier. And it’s your time to (clearly, verbally) check the vibe, too, ensuring you’ve got an enthusiastic green flag from the party you plan to kiss. Remember, just because you’ve been picturing what their lips feel like the whole date and now it’s time to say goodbye doesn’t make this your moment to “be assertive” and “just go for it.” Consent, as always, is key, and we promise you’re both going to have a better time with a built-up kiss than a smooch that catches one party by surprise. (Recall my laughing-in-their-face anecdote? Exactly.)
So before you, boom!, cut straight to laying a wet one on them, let the tension build. Maintain direct eye contact, and try tilting your head slightly. If you’re standing or sitting near each other, lean in closer. If they reciprocate, so long as they seem comfortable with it, lean in to the point where you can feel each other’s body heat without quite touching; that can go a long way in building tension. Pay attention to their, and your, body language. Have your voices dropped? Have their eyes flickered down to your lips? And, speaking of lips, have you noticed them biting theirs? Ensure there’s some time to enjoy the tension before you act on it.
Then, once the chatting has faded and there’s been a — though it feels weird to say in this context — pregnant pause, it’s time to make 100% sure you’re on the same page. Worried about breaking the mood by speaking? A well-timed “Can I kiss you?” or “I’d really love to kiss you right now” does the exact opposite of that. While getting your partner’s consent and signaling respect, it also signals take-control-of-the-situation confidence that, honestly, makes this a move in and of itself.
Now, you’ve covered your bases and are ready to get to spit-sharing. Read on for how-to-kiss recommendations passed down by those of us who’ve been at it awhile. Consider it your oral history lesson.
How to Kiss (Really) Well: 9 Steps
1. Start things slow.
You’ve taken the time to really build up to this moment with all your best suggestive glances, lip-biting, and flirty-touch moves. Now that the moment’s here, it’s time to jump in (as in, with your tongue, and to the back of their throat). Right?
Not quite. While a makeout session that becomes fast and aggressive is plenty fun, rarely does it work to immediately start out on that note. It can be something you work up to — quickly, slowly or never — but let the first kiss, before you’ve found your rhythm, be a slower and gentler one, using lighter pressure.
2. Keep your mouth soft and relaxed.
By soft, we mean that literally — are your lips adequately balmed up? — and also, well, again literally. Both a cranked-open jaw and a closed-mouth, hard pucker aren’t the most pleasant to smooch. Keep your lips just-apart enough, allowing the kisses to be soft and deep, and keep your mouth relaxed. You want to see where the kiss takes you.
3. Switch your area of focus and/or your speed.
Ready to extend the kiss into a longer makeout session? Try gradually picking up speed, using varying degrees of pressure, or shifting your focus between lips, from top to bottom. While you’re focused on the bottom, try giving it a little — emphasis on little, unless you and your partner have already had pain-as-pleasure conversations indicating otherwise — nibble, bite or tug.
4. Speaking of area of focus — move things away from their lips.
Lips are great and all. But letting your mouth travel away from them for a while is fun, too. Other spots that make for good kissing destinations include: their jawbone; their ears, including the spot just behind the lobes; their collarbone; and their neck, including the back of the neck.
All of these are easy to reach, with a light trail of kisses to get you there, from your partner’s mouth, and odds are they’ll find it just as (or even more) enjoyable as a lip-to-lip smooch. While there are some standard feel-good zones on the body, including the above ones, everyone has their own preferences. Ask your partner if they have any erogenous zones they’d like special attention paid to, and see if you can notice areas where they’re more sensitive — in a good way — while kissing.
5. Go easy on the tongue.
This doesn’t necessarily mean hold off on using tongue altogether. But, in general, tongues tend to take up more than their fair share of space in how-to-kiss conversations.
Too often, internet kissing advice will make you think tongue — and lots of it — is synonymous with making out. But unless learning how to french kiss is specifically what you’re after, you can have a plenty steamy makeout session with only a light amount of tongue involved (or none at all!). If you do want to incorporate a little tongue, don’t be forceful. Less is more here, and your goal shouldn’t be to lick the inside of your partner’s throat. Keep it playful and light, and don’t try to force a rhythm. Pay attention to your partner’s cues, too.
6. Don’t overthink it.
This is easier said than done at times. But for a kiss that lets you truly be in your body — as the best kisses should! — try to stay out of your head. Being in the present, rather than internally rattling off to yourself how-to-kiss steps, is the best way to kiss better. It’ll let you pay closer attention to how your partner is responding, and it’ll keep you loose and responsive, too.
7. Don’t forget to breathe either!
By this point, you might find yourself getting caught up in the moment, but don’t forget to breathe. There’s no rush, and more to the point, the idea here isn’t to appear as though you’re trying to hold your breath underwater. Let the kiss unfold naturally, and try to keep your breath steady and calm. If you need to pull back for a second to catch your breath, that’s A.O.K. And speaking of…
8. Know when to pull back.
With a good kiss, timing is everything. If the kiss starts to feel like it’s reaching its peak, or if you both need a break, it’s perfectly fine to pull away gently. You can continue applying a light touch — say, by resting your hand on their leg — while giving you both a moment to see how the energy has shifted. A kiss doesn’t have to be long to be memorable, and building in some natural, comfortable breaks where you can go back to laughing or talking — this time, with a little more electricity in the air — can be a really good thing. It’s all about the connection you’re building, and not necessarily how long your makeout session lasted.
9. Seal it with a slow smile.
Here’s a truth we hold to be self-evident: After the pull-away, if the kiss was enjoyed, you’re going to have a soft, Post-Good-Kiss Smile on your face. We swear it’s a specific type of smile, and that we’ve all got one in us. That’s a good thing!
Whether the kiss was super sweet or a little more intense, this is always the right moment for that soft smile or a gentle touch. It lets the kiss linger and leaves things on a note of warmth, intimacy, and ease, setting the tone for whatever comes next.
What to Do After a Kiss
Your post-kiss game plan comes down to your specific situation, like your relationship with the kissee and — to sound like a real Victorian-era chaperone here — your *ahem* intentions with them. In other words, what you do just after kissing could obviously look pretty different if we’re talking about kissing a crush for the first time or being intimate with an S.O. you’re sexually active with. (Of course, kissing can absolutely be the main event no matter who you’re smooching, and making out never means that you’ve given the go-ahead to do anything you aren’t comfortable with!)
Regardless of what your personal post-kiss plans are, something anyone can do after locking lips is talk about what you liked — and, within that, what you’d love to do a little differently next time! By emphasizing what you liked the most — i.e. “I loved it when you kissed down my neck” — your partner can be guided to prioritize the right (and right-for-you) things. Kissing chemistry differs from person to person, and it can take a little time to establish your rhythm with someone new. Giving, and receiving, kissing feedback will make sure the rhythm you’re developing is a weak-in-the-knees recipe for you both. And remember: we’re all just doing our best here!
Originally Appeared on Teen Vogue
