Learning to Live: How to process grief through story

Years ago when I was in spiritual director training, Jo Ann Kunz, was one of my instructors. She taught me a practice she called, “Doing a Write.” This process is one I’ve done myself many times since, and also adapted to include in the repertoire of activities for our grief education and support gatherings.

At these gatherings, I offer a topic for the “writing” and suggest the participants become absorbed in their thoughts. Next, I encourage them to write on unlined paper with these three rules in mind. One, write what they hear; simply receive, don’t judge. Two, listen to what they write, and again, don’t judge or censor. This includes not worrying about spelling, grammar, and/or punctuation. And three, ask themselves this question as often as they want or need to, “What do I mean by my last sentence?”

I also let people know that this writing is for themselves and they don’t have to share it with anyone unless they choose to do so. Then I set my timer for 10 to 15 minutes and we all begin to write.

Each time I do this with a group, I am in awe of the immediacy at which people begin. Writing can be intimidating for some people, but these three rules seem to remove any hesitancy. The thoughts flow freely from their heads down through their hands onto the paper, and some of their grief moves from the inside to the outside.

When the timer rings, we all put our writing instruments down. I ask the participants if anyone wants to share from their experience, and in most cases at least one person speaks. The speakers talk about insights they gained or questions they answered. As a group, we talk about how everyone feels after this practice. The general feeling in the room is lighter. Whether people share about their writing or not, something inside of them changed from the process.

Whatever takes place from our heads through our hands onto paper feels almost magical to me. My daughter and I were talking about writing for work the other day and she described mapping her thoughts in advance and creating an outline. I replied that my writing seems as if it has a life of its own. I know the subject areas I want to discuss, find stories to illustrate the subjects, and begin writing without knowing exactly where I am going or where I’ll end up. The pieces feel like living organisms coming through me and I try to get out of the way. Just like “Doing a Write,” I’ve uncovered something about myself and my stories by writing.

I’m excited to invite you to a workshop to uncover some things about yourself and your grief by writing a story. Whether your grief is from a recent loss or years ago, “’Then one day…’: How to Process Grief Through Story” is available for you.

On Monday, Sept. 16, David Hicks, an award-winning professor and Creative Writing Director at the Wilkes University MFA graduate program, will be joining us to share his tried-and-true formula, “Once upon a time . . . Then, one day …”, to help us express our grief experiences as stories. David used this same structure to write two novels — “White Plains” and the forthcoming “The Gospel According to Danny” — and an autobiographical children’s book, “The Magic Ticket.” “The Magic Ticket” is based on David’s experience as a child, when he lost his little sister and found a sanctuary for his grief in his local public library.

Some of the things “Then one day…” workshop participants will learn how to do are: locate the “story points” of their life; structure and plot; describe themselves or their loved ones as “characters” deserving of empathy, etc. Participants will finish the workshop with the three-paragraph beginning of a new essay, story, novel, memoir, or children’s story based on the death of a loved one. In addition, they’ll finish by having processed some of their own grief.

Thanks to the support of Juniper Village and Koch Funeral Home, David will be with us on Sept. 16 from 3:30-4:30 p.m. at the Willows Dining Room at Juniper Village, 1900 Cliffside Drive, State College. He will also stay longer for those who are interested in learning how to run a workshop like this in their own communities. Please RSVP by emailing Jackie@JackieHook.com or calling 814-237-2712. I’m looking forward to learning new things at this workshop and adding another writing practice to my repertoire!

Jackie Naginey Hook, MA, is a spiritual director, celebrant, and end-of-life doula who facilitates the Helping Grieving Hearts Heal program through Koch Funeral Home in State College. This column is coordinated by www.learningtolivewhatsyourstory.org, whose mission is to create educational and conversational opportunities for meaningful intergenerational exchanges on loss, grief, growth and transformation.