I’m Leaning into My “Divorced Mom Core” Era, and It’s Totally Changed My Life

I’m a big believer in being unapologetically yourself, no matter what. For me this is true about how I walk through the world, and also how I decorate my home. Like many LGBTQ+ teenagers, I became homeless after I came out. Even now, at 40, the memory of that experience is never far from the surface. There is nothing more important to me than creating a home.

Now, being a homeowner is an incredible privilege I never take for granted, but my relationship with what my home looks like has changed a lot. Sometimes a big life event changes everything about the life you thought you had, and this year, I found myself embracing the “Divorced Mom Core” aesthetic thanks to one of those.

What Is Divorced Mom Core?

The viral “Divorced Mom Core” aesthetic is captivating the internet, and with good reason. After all, who isn’t tired of living life by other people’s priorities or aesthetics? This trend is all about not compromising and making your home unapologetically what you love regardless of how “cool” or “trendy” it is. The name comes from seeing women who, after years of marriage and kids, move into their own place and decorate exactly according to their taste, without making concessions to anyone else.

Despite the name, #DivorcedMomCore isn’t just for moms going through a divorce. People of all ages, genders, and lived experiences who are going through a big life change can find themselves in this aesthetic. I’m not a mom — I’m a queer, nonbinary, child-free person whose life revolves around their dogs, and I totally feel represented by this.

Why I Decided to Change Everything

One Tuesday in January, I came home from a dentist appointment and learned that my partner of 19 years intended to divorce me, and that the life we’d built together was over. For years, everything about my sense of self and home revolved around this relationship. “Blindsided” was the term I kept repeating to describe how I felt finding myself suddenly needing to start over.

I turned 40 this year and thought I knew the direction of my life was going, but obviously I didn’t! Finding myself alone as I entered middle age was overwhelming and terrifying, but I quickly discovered it was pretty exciting to have the chance to construct a new life. Until our divorce, the decor of the main areas of the home was mostly dictated by my ex — but now I had the opportunity to make it fully my own.

How I Got Started

Immediately after my ex left, I started making small changes around the house. If I was going to stay in this house — and I really wanted to because we’d purchased it specifically for my dogs and their needs — then I had to make it mine.

To start, I took down all the pictures of my ex and I together. I boxed those up along with anything and everything that made me think of my ex partner. I wasn’t denying the last 19 years of my life, but I also wasn’t going to keep anything around that gave them space in my home or mind.

Then, I started with some simple redecorating. I took down the art that had been above the fireplace and replaced them with paintings of my dogs and vintage Polly Pocket and dog figures on the mantle. Previously, those had been relegated to a back room of the house, but now they’re the first thing people see entering my home.

I moved some collectibles from my office to the living room, but then, the redecorating slowed down a bit as I was stuck in a bit of decorating purgatory while the attorneys negotiated my ex moving out. I took this time to plan out what I really wanted my home to look like overall.

I wasn’t interested in having a house that looked like it could have been in a magazine — I wanted a home that made me, and my dogs, happy. Though I didn’t dive into Pinterest, I did start following maximalist queer Instagram accounts like @vintageshowpony for the bright, playful, over-the-top look that I wanted to bring to all areas of my home. I’m not one to shy away from bright colors — after all, I have a rainbow wall in my home office, and I convinced my ex-partner to let me turn the spare bedroom into a gymnasium for my dogs.

I started by going on a treasure hunt around the house, specifically in my office and in my dog room to find art and mementos I loved. I wanted to focus on things that symbolize love, community, and the new life I was forging.

There was a console table that had been in the bedroom closet that I moved to the living room. Over time, it has become an altar of sorts filled with all the physical cards, mail, and trinkets that friends, colleagues, and fans of my books have sent to me and my dogs, especially in the early months after the divorce. On hard days, I would look at that table first and remember that I wasn’t alone. In the space where the bookshelf my ex took once stood, I created an art wall with art that had been in my office, or worse, boxed up in my closet for lack of space. I framed art that I had collected from book tours and by my friends, things that remind me of who I am, and what matters most to me.

What I Changed (and Why)

I wish that I had taken more pictures of my house before I started changing things. I bought a giant bean bag chair to make flopping in the middle of my living room comfortable for me, my dogs, and my friends, who now visit all the time. I brought my toy collection out of my office into all areas of the house. I brought home a betta fish (his name is Bruce) and spoiled him with a 10-gallon tank that became a centerpiece in my living room (something my ex had vetoed for years).

My ex took the fancy cooking knives, and I was excited to replace them with cheap rainbow-bladed knives from Amazon. As it turned out, I was relieved about a lot of the things my ex wanted to take, like the fancy but uncomfortable couch, leaving me with the old, cozy one. I also ordered a cheap bright pink slip cover for an armchair I didn’t want to pay to replace. How much something costs, or the brand name, didn’t matter to me. I wanted to surround myself with things that made me smile.

I started spending at least one weekend a month rummaging through thrift stores with my friends, sometimes bringing home treasures for the house like vintage Disney Parks juice glasses to replace the fancy wine glasses I never liked. I saved everything that felt like it was a memory or experience that was mine, and anything that made me think of my ex-partner is no longer part of my decor. The only thing that mattered to me was if my dog and I had everything we needed.

I’ve decorated my house with collectibles from dog shows, my toy collections, things from Disney trips, mementos from travel, and local adventures that spark joy when I look at them. While this art and objects would have been on rotation in my home office, it’s now a permanent installation in every room of my home. Everything from the Barbie Pride Parade on the shelf in my kitchen to the stuffed animals that adorn my bed bring me joy when I see them.

Holiday decor also looks very different in my “divorced mom core” era. I was the first person on my street to put out Halloween decorations, which included adding a giant skeleton dog who may or may not remain in my front yard full-time after the holiday is over.

There’s more I ultimately want to do — eventually, the very neutral area rugs will be replaced by bright and fun rugs, and there are rooms I want to repaint, but for these, I need to build up my budget. I also brought a new puppy home over the summer and purchased a giant rainbow playpen that temporarily lives in the middle of my living room. It brings me so much joy every time I see it because it represents all the growth that has taken place in my life this year. Now, when my friends walk into my house their first response is always, “This house feels like you,” and I can think of no higher compliment.

How This Taught Me to Lean Into My Own Style

As I was retrofitting my house to match my new life, I’ve been changing a lot about myself. As I embraced my newfound divorced life, I felt more comfortable being who I’ve always been. I’ve publicly identified as genderqueer/nonbinary since I was a teenager, and as my divorce got closer to being finalized, I cut almost a foot of hair off, leaving a long blue braid behind for short spiky blue hair instead, looking and feeling more like myself than I had in two decades.

I took back my old chosen last name, ditching the one I shared with my ex, and threw away all the dresses my ex-partner had made for me, replacing them with brightly colored overalls. I have been heavily tattooed for most of my adult life, but I got a couple more. Just as I don’t care what anyone thinks about the aesthetics of my house, I am equally uninterested in anyone’s opinion about my gender presentation or aesthetic.

Final Thoughts

Every aspect of my life is different than it was a year ago, and the same is true about my home, both inside and out. I love my new life.

The room that naturally changed the most was the upstairs bedroom that used to be my ex-partner’s home office. For months after they moved out, it sat empty. During this time, I was figuring out if I would be able to refinance the house as a full-time artist and afford to keep it. I also just didn’t know what to do with this space that felt tainted, and so very not mine.

Then I needed it for the most “me” thing imaginable. My oldest dog is the three-time number-one Newfoundland in the American Kennel Club National Trick Dog Competition, and as I planned her routines for this year’s virtual competition, I realized I needed an open space to record her routines. As I set up for her first routine, I felt almost like I was trespassing in my own house. But the more time I spent in that room, the more it felt like mine. So I purchased a folding table and moved some of the furniture from my office upstairs, creating a comfortable and practical area for me to craft and send out mail for my small business. I turned what felt like a space that wasn’t mine into a practical addition to my home that makes my daily life easier.

I didn’t dislike my home before, but I also didn’t realize how constrained I felt by it, either. This week, a friend reached out and asked if I wanted a fully built Lego Castle. I didn’t need to consult anyone — I simply said yes immediately. It’s huge, and for now the castle is a temporary (or is it?) centerpiece on my dining room table. Will it eventually move into my office? Maybe, but for now, I love that I get to play with Legos when I sit down to dinner.

My home is my sanctuary, full of pictures of my adventures. None of the items are especially valuable, but to me, they’re worth everything. The aftermath of my divorce has left me looking, feeling, and living a life that feels like home.  

I love living in my #DivorcedMomCore era, and when people walk in the door of my house, who I am and what I value is reflected everywhere.

Further Reading

I Tried the 90/90 Rule and My Closet Is Now Fully Decluttered

We Tested (and Rated!) All the Sofas at Ashley — Here Are the Best to Suit Your Style and Space

Everything You’ve Ever Wanted To Know About Article’s DTC Furniture