A MAGA guide to Christmas decorations: How to make the Yuletide great again! | Opinion
Greetings, supporters of President-elect Donald Trump. In a profound act of bipartisanship and comity, I'm here to help you plan your true-to-MAGA Christmas yard decorations.
As a liberal, I’ve been called “a snowflake” by many reliable sources in the online MAGA community, making me your perfect, seasonally appropriate guide to all things Christmas.
For starters, when surveying the front yard and plotting Christmas decor, here’s the key: thematic consistency. Nobody wants to drive by or walk past a yard filled with twinkling lights and inflatable decorations that make no sense.
To that end, these are the rules you must abide by to create a MAGA-magical outdoor Christmas display, the kind that says: “I voted for a man who violates most of the teachings of the guy whose birthday we’re celebrating. LULZ!”
You need a manger with appropriate anti-immigrant signage
A manger scene is crucial, but with Trump having won the presidential election on promises to put undocumented migrants in detention camps and deport millions of them, you want to make sure your manger makes clear who’s welcome and who’s not.
The last thing any MAGA member in good standing wants is an undocumented donkey braying alongside the tiny shelter.
The simplest fix is an “Americans Only!” sign illuminated by a single white spotlight, something one imagines Jesus never, ever condoning. Other options include “Migrants Not Allowed” and “Must Show Proof of Citizenship to Enter,” although that last one is a bit wordy for people passing in cars.
If worst comes to worst, you can just nail a "Trump/Vance 2024” sign to the front of the manger. People will get the message.
ABSOLUTELY NO SANTAS ALLOWED!
You can have as many mangers as you want, a small army of snowmen and candy canes for days. But under no circumstances can you defile your MAGA Christmas decorations with a Santa – molded-plastic, inflatable or otherwise.
Santa Claus is a known socialist (Gifts for everyone? Really?), an illegal border-crosser and, according to many far-right message boards, a suspected elf-trafficker.
Only libs like me would dare embrace that bearded man and his dodgy reindeer.
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Light-up 'Merry Christmas' signs freakin' everywhere
If you believe everything Trump tells you, then you also believe President Joe Biden and the Democrats made it illegal to say “Merry Christmas” for the past four years.
But now that Trump has been elected again, that phrase can and should be uttered relentlessly by all self-respecting MAGA fans.
To that end, you want your yard to have no fewer than 10 light-up “Merry Christmas” signs. They should point in all directions so you can, in the true Christmas spirit, irritate or offend as many liberal neighbors as possible.
Make sure everyone has proof of your devotion to Trump
It wouldn’t be a Trump-themed Merry Trumpmas without loads of merchandise purchased from Trump’s official store. So make sure your outdoor display is peppered with laminated receipts showing folks how much money you’ve invested in an already rich guy.
A $40 gold MAGA hat ornament? Check!
MAGA wrapping paper? Check!
A red “Make America Great Again” stocking with a picture of Trump pumping his fist? Double check!
You want everyone who admires your display to know you’ve tithed to the real Christmas king.
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Don't forget to celebrate the Jan. 6 'hostages'
Nothing screams “Christmastime under Trump” quite like an inflatable Jan. 6 rioter. Or as Trump would call it, an inflatable Jan. 6 hostage.
These decorations are best if surrounded by red, white and blue Trumpmas lights and an outdoor speaker playing the soundtrack from Kid Rock’s 2003 Christmas special, “A Kid Rock Christmas.”
Putting an inflatable U.S. Capitol under the foot of the inflatable rioter is a power decorating move, but isn’t required.
A few final items to keep your outdoor MAGA display tight
A Trump flag should be placed in the center of the display. Obviously Trump has to be at the center of everything. (Sorry, baby Jesus.)
A good add-on for people with larger front yards is a plastic Frosty the Snowman holding a sign that reads, “DEBATE ME, COWARD!”
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Tesla owners can offer a salute to Trump ally Elon Musk by parking their car in the middle of the display. (Make sure the manger is nowhere near the Tesla, in case the car bursts into flames.)
Oh, and speaking of baby Jesus … you’re not going to want a figure of him in the manger or anywhere near the whole display. It’s definitely not his scene.
Merry Christmas! May all the season’s hypocrisy be yours.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: A MAGA-magical outdoor Christmas display? Follow these steps | Opinion
