So Many Couples Put Off These Conversations. And It's Harming Their Relationships.
Communication is the fundamental component of a healthy, successful relationship. But certain topics like money or *** can feel intimidating for even the strongest of couples.
“Couples procrastinate having these conversations because the fear of potential conflict is scarier than the idea of living with an unmet need or clarity on a topic,” Eliza Davis, LCSW, told HuffPost.
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“Avoidance can often be seen as a way to protect the relationship from things feeling fragile rather than an opportunity to be stronger and more aligned with one another.”
Rest assured that it’s normal for there to be problems and disagreements in your relationship, added Marc Zola, LMFT.
“It is possible to discuss challenging issues without making villains and heroes out of one another,” he said.
Here are the conversations couples procrastinate having, according to relationship experts.
Financial Transparency
Experts agree that many couples avoid conversations about money, including budgets, spending history and financial fears.
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“Financial secrecy creates a sense of distrust, emotional distance and dishonesty even when intentions may not be that directly,” said Davis. “Without open dialogue about this, it’s easy to judge and make assumptions about financial situations, values and intentions.”
The thing is, finances are a huge conversation to have, especially if you’re planning on a long-term future with your partner, as it allows couples to align on goals and priorities, added Davis.
Boundaries With Friends And Family
From your in-laws visiting unannounced to oversharing with your friends, establishing boundaries with other loved ones is another less-talked-about conversation.
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Boundaries in relationships are often avoided because they can easily be misunderstood as cold or off-putting, said Davis. When boundaries are not clearly discussed, both partners can feel confused, resentful or unsupported.
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When it comes to setting boundaries with friends or in-laws, the conflict doesn’t stem from the people themselves but from whether your partner prioritizes them over you, said Zola. But boundaries can help establish respect and trust in your relationship, added Davis.
*** And Intimacy
Sometimes one person wants to try something new in the bedroom, or they’re unhappy with the frequency of ***. According to Zola, couples often avoid these conversations to protect each other from rejection or pressure.
Yet this avoidance comes at a cost — intimacy offers couples emotional validation and connection, both essential for a strong relationship.
Anything Parenting-Related
“I’m often surprised by the lack of conversations about ‘how to parent’ amongst couples,” said Zola.
Some couples wait until much later to discuss anything kid-related, only discovering they have conflicting values when it’s time to actually raise them. Without a plan, this could lead to struggles down the road for both parents and children.
Unilateral Decision-Making
This includes making decisions without consulting the other partner, such as buying property or allowing your mother to move in with you.
“In my work with divorcing clients reentering new relationships, many are accustomed to making decisions about money, family or time independently without realizing how that might hurt their partner,” Rene Mondy, therapist and post-marriage expert, tells HuffPost.
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She often hears her clients say, “I feel unseen,” or “I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want to seem needy.”
These situations can pave the way for resentment and tension. Mondy adds that when couples make decisions on their own, there’s often an underlying want for more independence in their relationship. That’s fine — but it’s important to discuss it explicitly in a way that doesn’t hurt your partner.
Any Unmet Needs
Nobody wants to feel like they’re needy. But experts encourage sharing your feelings with your partner regarding your unmet needs.
“Voicing and addressing unmet needs means asking something of another person, a behavior that many people avoid in fear of creating conflict, hurting their partner, or disappointment,” explains Davis.
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“The continuous unmet needs build resentment over time. Open, compassionate and curious conversations about unmet needs allow couples to better understand one another’s needs where both feel supported, valued and emotionally fulfilled.”
How to Talk About the Tough Stuff With Someone You Care About
Many partners worry that certain conversations will expose incompatibilities or confirm their fear of not being on the same page, Mondy said. But avoiding hard conversations hurts the relationship in the long run.
“Once resentment builds, we stop honestly expressing our wants and needs, address issues passively and withdraw, all of which allow the problems to grow,” adds Davis.
So how does one approach tough topics? Here are some tips for getting it done.
Talk face-to-face.
Do not have these conversations on the phone or via text, stressed Davis. Talking or texting on the phone blocks the ability to feel connected and to understand how your partner interprets the issue.
“It’s like that ‘kk’ text you get and you wonder if they’re mad at you,” added Davis.
When talking to someone in person, you notice tone and body language, making it easier to see their true feelings.
Take it one conversation at a time.
Be mindful not to unload every hot-button issue on your partner at once.
“It’s important to stay focused on one issue at a time versus flooding your partner with everything you feel you haven’t been discussing,” suggested Davis.
Think about how you speak to your partner.
Lead with love, says Zola. Be conscious of how you’re talking to your partner. For example, statements like “you always do this” can put your partner on the defensive. Instead, turn to “I” statements when discussing how you’re feeling.
It’s OK to postpone the talk if you aren’t ready. Just be open about it.
Timing is key when bringing up a more challenging topic or conversation, says Mondy. After all, you want both of you to be engaged and feel heard.
If you’re postponing a conversation, it could also be helpful to confirm another time to discuss it, suggested Davis. This allows for expectations on revisiting the topic rather than avoiding it.
