"I Just Can't Take It Anymore." 23 Unexpected "Difficulties" Of Marriage That No One Talks About, According To Married Couples

We recently wrote posts where men and women shared the "hardest parts" of marriage that no one talks about. Even more married people opened up with their perspectives and difficulties they've faced in the comments. Here's what they had to say:

1.MARRIED WOMEN: "He stopped caring about romance pretty early on. It was devastating. My needs and desires were labeled as 'too much' while he expected me to do everything for him. He didn't want a wife — he wanted a maid he could bang."

—35, USA

2.MARRIED MEN: "Men are stressed, too. Maybe for different reasons, but just like our spouse, we, too, are overwhelmed. We don't show it or talk about it because we aren't 'supposed' to or are considered weak or less of a man."

—40, Indiana

3.MARRIED WOMEN: "Kids. Money and how to raise/discipline kids ARE the two biggest things couples will fight about. If you're currently married without kids, and your marriage is on shaky ground, do NOT have a child to try to make your marriage closer. It won't work."

"Be honest with yourself, and don't bring a child into a bad marriage. Not only will the fighting put the final nail in the coffin, but you'll be chained to your ex until your youngest child is 18 — and you don't want that."

—55, Texas

4.MARRIED MEN: "For me, it was learning to trust that my wife isn't going anywhere — she only wants to be with me and is genuinely happy. I grew up with parents who hid a lot from each other and have had a few experiences with being lied to by partners. It took meeting my wife for me to realize the part I played in past breakups by not being willing to trust anyone fully."

"It's not easy being that vulnerable, but it's so worth it. We're thinking of starting our family soon, and it's only spurred me on to be a good example of a happy marriage for my kids."

—32, Italy

5.MARRIED WOMEN: "You never are prepared for losing yourself in a marriage — and especially after children enter the picture. Most commonly, mom is there and does everything — cooking, cleaning, child-rearing, before school, after school, and all the while, most likely working a full-time job. I was so overwhelmed and, unfortunately, I was married to a man who didn't help much. It all became too much, and I lasted much longer than I should have."

"Make sure you have YOUR girlfriends, your interests, and a partner who never stops dating you."

—62, Oklahoma

6.MARRIED MEN: "I'm on my third marriage for six years now, and this one is the most difficult by far. I'm the one who has to change behaviors, and she takes the blame for nothing. Everything is all my fault no matter what."

"I want out, but she keeps pulling me back in by showering me with love, and it becomes a cycle. I just can't take it anymore, and I'm losing my mind. How do I get out?"

—Anonymous, New Jersey

7.MARRIED WOMEN: "The expectation of being a star performer at all times. There is an expectation for women to be graceful and delicate while also having all of the same responsibilities as men. I love my husband and want to show him daily. I want to show up for my husband physically, intimately, mentally, and emotionally."

"However, sometimes life doesn't allow the time while juggling kids and the woes of work and business."

—29, Oklahoma

8.MARRIED MEN: "Going without sex. My wife and I have been married for 24 years, and so far this year, we've only had sex twice. Only three times in the past two years."

—50, Florida

9.MARRIED WOMEN: "Sex drive lessening with the oncoming of menopause makes for really difficult times. I think that's why so many men of a similar age drop their wives for someone younger — they're not willing to learn about the menopause process and how it's a natural change and work through it together. My husband had a hard time with it until he took the time to learn about it and understood that I was actually suffering, not just 'changing' into some other woman."

"Being upfront with your menopausal symptoms is key, and praying that you have a man that is willing to ride that storm with you and stand by your side, together."

—55, Texas

10.MARRIED MEN: "Being unable to come and go as I please was easily the hardest transition. I got married in my late 30s and was well-established as a rugged individual who did what he wanted. I am more or less still that guy, but having a fruitful marriage means you can't be that way ALL the time."

"A lot of times, it feels like 'reporting,' which is annoying for people of my personality type. Checking in with someone on every decision, especially anything that involves leaving the house, takes some getting used to!"

—Anonymous, USA

11.MARRIED WOMEN: "One of the hardest or most difficult parts about marriage is carrying the emotional weight of the marriage alone. Women are most times perceived as being the ones that are just 'emotional' however, men are just as, if not more emotional. However, society, friends, and sometimes family will tell them to 'toughen up' or 'emotions are for the weak.' Marrying someone who doesn't allow themselves to be emotionally vulnerable with their wife can be one of the most painful experiences. You can feel disconnected, unseen, unsupported, and even if they are physically present, you can feel alone."

"Emotional deprivation is exhausting and stressful because it can be difficult to describe, but you know how you feel. If you are considering marriage or are engaged, seek a relationship therapist. Discuss emotional connections by exploring how you both understand love, happiness, anger, appreciation, etc. Understanding how your significant other came to understand what love is, through a familiar lens, can help to unlock a new level of understanding and patience with one another."

—44, Tennessee

12.MARRIED MEN: "Feeling unheard and lonely."

—69, Massachusetts

13.MARRIED WOMEN: "You really have to like your spouse. Yeah, you fall in love and all the gooey, romantic stuff, but at the end of the day, when you're arguing about dinner and who's going wash the dishes, you still have to like your spouse. It's a daily decision to keep living the daily life with this other person, who has their own flaws and puts up with your flaws, too."

—46, Virginia

14.MARRIED MEN: "I'm no longer married — in fact, I'm twice divorced. The most challenging aspect of marriage for me was learning to share myself. I couldn't continue doing what I had always done or be who I had always been. I had to realize that there is a time to be playful and a time to be serious. I learned that collaboration is the key. I believed my wife and I could maintain our independence while sharing a home, but that was not the case."

"Another difficulty was being truthful, not only with my wife but also with myself. If there's one piece of advice I'd give to other men, it's to be open and honest with your partner."

—40, Georgia

15.MARRIED WOMEN: "That you have to use preschool lessons sometimes. The teaching 'use your words' goes for both sides. You have to communicate and talk to each other to have a good marriage and work through things. Neither person can read minds."

—34, Oregon

16.MARRIED MEN: "CHANGE. Most people say that they aren't going to change and that they don't want their spouse to change. The reality is you're both going to change; the hard part is you creating the change or letting circumstances dictate when and how you change. If you think change is bad, get that idea out of your head now; growth is change. The only way you grow is to change the things that do not work in your relationship."

"If one of you refuses to change, then there will be no growth, and the relationship struggles."

—60, Michigan

17.MARRIED WOMEN: "I constantly have to ask for help. We're both adults living in the same home. I shouldn't have to ask for help doing dishes, putting laundry away, or picking up shoes. It is OUR home, not mine, and I'm not the housekeeper, yet I do 90% of the domestic and mental labor."

"And guys complain they can never find things; if they actually put things away instead of waiting for us to do it, they might be able to find something when they look for it."

—35, California

18.MARRIED MEN: "The desire to protect one's family, to be a strong provider, to be the strong defense against any type of harm that might come my family's way wears you down. When something goes wrong financially or someone gets hurt or sick, you feel like you failed in every way. Some of this stems from issues created from generations of toxic expectations placed on and created by men: Being tough all the time, never weak, showing no fear, and being the 'man of the house' when you are actually meant to act as half of a whole with your partner and not as the whole alone."

"Still, you feel like you failed everyone you love and want to protect and provide for. You feel like you let everyone, including yourself, down. It's hard to come back from that feeling of failure, even when your partner insists you did nothing wrong. You feel incredibly depressed."

—31, Pennsylvania

19.MARRIED WOMEN: "You can't always fix your marriage. You can't spoon-feed your spouse the right information on how to act perfectly so they'll be the person you need (or go back to the level of effort they put in to marry you). If you're already married, and you both genuinely want to work on the marriage, you can almost always rebuild. If one of you feels like they shouldn't have to work on the marriage, no amount of research or therapy will save it."

"Most of the work is really in being selective beforehand, but we aren't taught how to do that."

—30, Texas

20.MARRIED MEN: "As a husband, it's frowned upon if I just want to get a hotel room for myself and be alone. But it's okay for my spouse to have that mental break. Husbands aren't allowed to have alone time."

–48, Washington

21.MARRIED WOMEN: "After being a stay-at-home mom for six years, I completely lost who I was. My life was all about my husband and kids. I gained weight, withdrew from family and friends, and was watching life move without me. My friendships suffered because I didn't want to go anywhere; my self-esteem was through the roof before, and now, I'm ashamed of the way I look. I felt intimidated by people, especially other women, thinking, 'Does my husband look at her and wish I looked more like her?'"

"You go through so many emotions and you just want to get back to the old you, but now the question is: Will getting back to me change my relationship with my husband? My kids? Family and friends? We, as women, deal with a lot!"

—42, Georgia

22.MARRIED MEN: "Having to do everything and being wrong about it. Taking out the trash? Make sure to put it on the correct side of the driveway. Mowing the lawn? Make sure not to run over a plant you don't know about. Folding the laundry? Make sure to fold the towels in a left-hand fashion. Choosing where to go out for dinner? Better know what she wants even if she says, 'I don't care.' And so many others."

"Nothing you do is ever right or 'right enough,' but they don't make an effort to do things themselves and then complain when things aren't done at all."

—36, USA

And finally...

23.MARRIED WOMEN: "Men tend to change once they are married. The hardest part of my marriage is when I let my husband control my every move. I released control and let my husband engage in every aspect of our lives by allowing him to control our kids, finances, and daily lives. He never asked me for input in decisions regarding our marriage; he assumed that this job was for him only. He was a terrible manager, and we almost lost our house. We both had a low credit rating because he didn't pay our monthly bills. We both worked, but he controlled our salaries. He indulged in infidelity before and during our marriage, even though I refused to believe that he was cheating."

"Women should not walk into a marriage starry-eyed. They should set boundaries before marriage. There should be limitations discussed and agreed upon. These boundaries should include shared responsibilities as partners. There should be an understanding of the consequences of infidelity. A pre-nuptial could serve this purpose. A man or woman should complete a background check on their new partner. This action should provide a basis for the character of your new partner."

—74, Virginia

Do you agree with these? Married couples, what are some other "hard parts" of marriage that more people should know? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below.

Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.