How to Be More Assertive—Without Being ‘Rude’ or ‘Aggressive’
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Knowing how to be more assertive is something that, in theory, should be as straightforward as expressing what you want, when you want. But too often, the fear of being seen as bossy, rude, or confrontational holds a lot of us back from speaking up. Instead, we overexplain, apologize for our opinions, or simply bite our tongues—all things that don’t exactly project confidence.
If any of this sounds relatable, take comfort in knowing that it’s not a sign of weakness—it’s a byproduct of the culture we’re raised in, Carolyn Rubenstein, PhD, a Miami-based clinical psychologist and author of Perseverance: How Young People Turn Fear into Hope, tells SELF. “From a young age, many of us are taught to prioritize harmony and politeness over self-expression, which can make speaking up feel synonymous with stepping out of line.” And these pressures might hit even harder depending on your gender and race: As Dr. Rubenstein points out, what’s seen as “strong” and “leadership-worthy” in men often gets labeled as “aggressive” or “bossy” in women—especially women of color.
But constantly holding back or being overly agreeable can have real consequences. Whether it’s feeling overlooked, taken advantage of, or eventually resentful as others’ needs eclipse your own, silence will drain your relationships—and, more importantly, your well-being. That’s why the experts we spoke with agree that asserting yourself is a skill worth mastering. As long as you do it thoughtfully, that is.
Below, we break down how to strike that balance of being clear, direct, and unapologetic—while also staying flexible and respectful.
1. Test your boundaries in more casual, everyday situations.
You don’t need dramatic, high-pressure “confrontations” to learn how to be more assertive. In fact, some of the best ways to practice self-advocacy is through smaller, everyday interactions, both experts say. It could look like politely correcting a barista if your order isn’t right (“I ordered an oat draft latte—could you remake this please?”); voicing a casual opinion with friends (“Eh, I don’t want to watch The Bachelor. What about a horror movie?”); or gently requesting a different table at a restaurant (“Actually I’d prefer a booth if possible. Is there one available?”).
Low-stakes, low-pressure moments like these make for the perfect opportunities to say what you want—and learn it’s not the end of the world, whether or not you get it. And over time, these small wins can build the foundation for a more confident, empowered, and ultimately happier you.
2. Get in the habit of removing filler words like “I think” or “Sorry, but….”
One minor but effective way to sound more assertive is to nix hedging language from your vocabulary, Barbara Shabazz, PsyD, clinical psychologist based in Virginia Beach, tells SELF. So phrases like, “I think,” “I guess,” “I feel like”—all of which can undermine your message before you’ve even made your point.
“Using ‘I’ statements is always a winning tactic to communicate your needs clearly without being inconsiderate and disrespectful,” Dr. Shabazz says. “But there’s also a way to do it without waffling.” Try: “In the future, I’d appreciate if you didn’t cancel so last second,” instead of “Sorry to be a nag, but would you be able to give me a heads up next time?” Or, “Actually, I’d prefer to split the bill based on what we each ordered” versus “Maybe we could divide it this way? I don’t know—up to you!”
3. Resist the urge to overexplain.
It’s easy to feel like you need a laundry list of justifications to stand your ground. However, both experts say it’s okay (encouraged, even) to keep your response short, sweet, and to the point. “Overexplaining can actually dilute your message, make you seem less assertive, and invite room for debate, pushback, and negotiation,” Dr. Rubenstein says. “Being concise, on the other hand, reinforces that your choice is firm.”
So rather than offering a long-winded reason for turning down a blind date (because you don’t find them attractive, you’re still getting over your ex, you’re already seeing someone), try, “I’m not available, but thank you for asking.” Or if you want your doctor to suggest more alternatives to some scary-sounding medication, simply say “I’d like to know about my other options,” rather than, “Oh, I’m not sure…. I’ve read some scary stuff on Reddit….” The less you justify, the more final your statement sounds.
4. Blend your assertiveness with a touch of positivity.
On that note…being concise doesn’t mean being a total jerk either. If flat-out saying “no” or “I want this” feels overwhelming or curt (especially with a close friend, colleague, or family member), Dr. Shabazz suggests “softening” your assertiveness by adding a positive twist at the end. For example, expressing gratitude—“I’m going to leave soon, but I had a great time!”—can help you get your point across kindly without watering down your message, she says.
Another option? Offering an alternative. So instead of bluntly responding with, “Nah, I’m good,” you can say what you are willing to do: “I can’t babysit your kids this weekend, but I can watch them for a few hours on Friday night,” or, “I won’t be drinking alcohol, but I’ll still hang with you at the bar.” That way, you’re being clear about your boundaries—and without burning any bridges.
5. Don’t interpret discomfort as proof you did something wrong.
Guilt—that nagging Ugh, I feel bad. Did I screw up?—is a powerful force that can make asserting yourself feel like a bad thing. However, “It’s a natural response when you set boundaries,” Dr. Rubenstein explains—not proof that you’re being selfish or unkind. “It’s simply your alarm system reacting to change,” especially if you’re not used to prioritizing yourself.
But rather than letting that initial discomfort pressure you into backtracking on your needs, she recommends countering the guilt with compassionate self-talk. This can look like validating yourself: I’m asking for this raise because I’ve been working hard for the past three years and deserve the recognition. You can also remind yourself why you’re asserting yourself in the first place: I’m being clear about my wants and needs because I value strong, authentic relationships.
Doing this, Dr. Rubenstein says, “Reinforces that your choices are about self-care, not selfishness.” And over time, these tiny adjustments will go a long way in making you appear—and maybe even feel—more confident, clear, and in control of your decision.
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Originally Appeared on Self
