Narcissists maintain control through ‘bright siding.’ Here’s how it works.

"Try to see the good in people." "Come on − he can't be that bad." "You should be grateful to even be in a relationship."

If you've heard these phrases before, chances are you've been "bright sided" − or, told in a subtle, nice and even well-meaning way to shut up and stop complaining about someone mistreating you.

According to relationship and mental health experts, "bright siding" happens all the time, and it's something people often do with good intentions. Still, it can have disastrous consequences by minimizing someone's experience and encouraging people to stay in toxic relationships.

Bright siding also takes on another level of severity when it comes from a narcissist or is directed at someone experiencing narcissistic abuse.

"It is sort of a hybrid space of minimization and gaslighting," says Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist and author of the book "It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People." "It is invalidating for a person who is going through something – and is often a way for the bright sider to avoid having to deal with the real issue or the discomfort of someone’s pain. At its core, bright siding is toxic positivity."

How to spot 'bright siding'

Chelsey Cole, a psychotherapist and author of "If Only I'd Known: How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth," describes bright siding as a form of gaslighting that involves stating or implying that someone should look on the bright side − even amid abuse and trauma.

"The definition alone is deeply troublesome, because it assumes that trauma survivors who share valid difficulties are guilty of being ‘stuck in the past,’ full of ‘doom and gloom’ or are choosing to be ‘negative’ or ‘ungrateful,' " she adds.

According to Cole, bright siding also enables narcissists by telling people that if they only cheered up their relationships would improve.

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What bright siding ends up doing instead, she says, is leave victims of narcissistic abuse questioning their reality and wondering if their problems are their own fault for being "negative," "ungrateful" or "cynical" − rather than the fault of the narcissist.

Durvasula and Cole say bright siding can take various forms. Here are some examples:

• “I know your ex-husband criticized you constantly, but look on the bright side: Now you don’t have to deal with that."

• “Since you’re not talking to your family anymore, the holidays should be so much easier for you.”

• "Everything happens for a reason."

Durvasula says people also bright side themselves when they have thoughts like, "Maybe I am not being grateful enough," "This is part of a larger plan" or "This will make me stronger."

Instead, it's important for people to grieve and process what they've been through before they can healthily look on the bright side.

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If you know a loved one going through narcissistic abuse, it may be tempting to bright side them, but it's usually not helpful.

"Survivors don’t need an emotional pat on the back – they need validation, understanding and support," Cole says.

Feeling bright sided? Do this instead

If you feel like you are being bright sided, Cole offers the following tips:

• Recognize multiple things can be true at once: "You can feel grateful and sad, worried and hopeful, lonely and connected."

• Accept not everyone will be good for you: "This doesn’t mean you have to cut everyone off, but it does mean it’s OK to be choosy about who you open up to."

• Validate your experiences: "Make a list of the harmful things that happened in your narcissistic relationship to stay grounded in the truth, and revisit that list whenever you’re being bright sided or second-guessing what happened."

In general, people often bright side others, and themselves, because they don't want to sit with pain or acknowledge it.

"We as a culture and a world at large are so uncomfortable with discomfort – despite us having more and more conversations about mental health," Durvasula says.

If someone you love is going through narcissistic abuse or another challenge, be present with them. Often people want to feel seen, heard and understood rather than told to look on the bright side.

"Be present with someone who is sharing something painful," Durvasula says. "Don’t feel the need to solve or fix. Be present and bear witness to other people’s pain. Let people know that it’s OK to share pain and that releasing it is important. Sometimes there isn’t a bright side; we just need to get to the other side."

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Narcissists use 'bright siding' to stay in control. What is it?