No, the Waiter Is Not Ignoring You — Here's What's Actually Happening

If you’re in a restaurant and feel like your server is ignoring you, chances are it’s not intentional. Yes, there are times a server will blatantly neglect a customer, but that’s usually only because the customer was snapping their fingers at their server or behaving in some other way that doesn’t warrant attention from anyone. But most of the time, a case of a customer being ignored is a misinterpretation.

Assume good intentions

I once worked in a restaurant where I came in at 10 a.m. to take the late breakfast tables as the other servers who had been there since 6 a.m. went for a break. Ordinarily, I’d walk into a restaurant with a couple of stragglers having a late breakfast. This day, I stepped into total chaos with practically every table seated and my coworkers scrambling on the verge of a breakdown.

One of them saw me and said with urgency, “Take a table!” When I asked which one, he screeched, “ANY TABLE!” so I approached the one nearest to me to take an order. As I walked away from that table to get their coffee, the table next to them grabbed my arm and wanted to know why they had been ignored since they had been seated longer. I tried to explain the situation, but they insisted that I had ignored them and it was because I had profiled them. I was shocked and it was absolutely not true. I had only been at work for two minutes and was just trying to help. They demanded to see a manager and asked for a server who wasn’t a bigot. Things were cleared up, but I still ended up serving them despite my hurt feelings. They gave me a halfhearted apology which I halfheartedly accepted. That was the last time I cried while working in a restaurant and it was all just a misunderstanding.

Related: This Is When It's OK to Leave a Bad Tip

One person's smile is another one's smother

Other customers may feel they are being ignored when really, it’s that the server is trying to give them the space they seem to want. If my customers were ever in deep conversation, I would hover nearby, within eyeshot in case they needed me. I could swoop in and clear a plate, refill a water glass, or detail the table without them even noticing. My goal was to be efficient without being seen, but if I was too stealthy, they’d think I’d just been avoiding them the whole time. Still others might need more visits to the table than the server has time to provide.

Related: Are You Being Rude to Your Server Without Realizing It?

We're only human

Everyone has different expectations about service and if a server touches a table 10 times, one customer might think that’s nine times too many while another might think it’s nine times too few. It’s also very possible that the neglect is a complete accident. The host may have seated a table that doesn’t have a server assigned to it or maybe the server just wasn’t paying attention. Either situation could lead to a customer being ignored, but it’s not deliberate. It’s more of an oversight that any restaurant will want corrected because no restaurant wants to give anything other than exceptional service.

Related: The Customer Has Every Right to Be Disappointed, but They Don't Get to Be Nasty

It's OK to speak up — politely

Should you find yourself in the position of feeling ignored at a restaurant, it’s okay to request more attention. You deserve to be seen. In the immortal words of Glenn Close as Alex Forrest in the 1987 film Fatal Attraction, “I’m not going to be ignored.” If your water glass is perpetually empty or too much time has passed between being seated and placing your order, tell your server, or anyone else, what you need. If it happens repeatedly, then maybe you are in the unfortunate situation of having a server who embraces apathy. I won’t pretend that those kinds of servers don’t exist, but I do believe they are far and few between.

I also know that if you do snap your fingers at your server, you are 100% being ignored and it’s with very good reason. 

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