‘Outer Banks’ Star Carlacia Grant Shares the Most Valuable Lessons She’s Learned in Therapy

Jonny Marlow

In SELF’s The Best Thing I Learned in Therapy series, we ask celebrities, athletes, and other notable people to share the therapy breakthroughs that changed their thinking—and their lives—for the better.

Whether or not you hopped on the Outer Banks bandwagon during the pandemic, you can’t ignore its massive popularity—it’s already on its fourth season (which premiered on October 10) and one of the most-watched shows on Netflix. It’s got action, romance, suspense, and plenty of nail-biting drama. But a lot of the series’ charm comes from its memorably quirky characters, including OGs like John B., Pope, and Kiara, and newer faces like Cleo: She’s bold, brave, and unafraid to stand her ground—all traits that the actor who plays her, Carlacia Grant, aspires to embody in her own life.

“Me and Cleo are both very fearless,” Grant tells SELF. “We go after what we want, and we’re protective of our loved ones and friends.” But that empowered, confident perspective didn’t come naturally: Grant found her way there with the help of a good therapist.

“I was really kind of uncomfortable with the idea of therapy. At first, I was like, ‘No, I don’t think that’s for me. It doesn’t work,’” she explains. But it wasn’t until she recently lost someone very close to her that she decided to give it a shot. “I was like, ‘I’m so broken, so you know what? Let me try it,’” Grant says. “And it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.” Here, the Outer Banks star shares the most valuable lessons she’s learned in therapy, as told to SELF’s lifestyle writer Jenna Ryu.

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

It’s okay to speak up for yourself, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.

Because of my upbringing and the way I was raised in a very strict Caribbean household, it wasn't really a place where I could communicate my needs and wants. It wasn’t a place where I could say, “Actually, I don’t want to eat that. I want to eat something else now.” That wasn’t the environment for that. It was more like, “No, you’re going to take whatever I give you and you’re not allowed to have any type of reaction.”

For a long time, I didn’t know how to comfortably share what I needed. I would just accept everything that a person would say and do, whether I liked it or not, because I wasn’t raised in a space where speaking up was okay. It was almost as if I didn’t have an equal voice in the house. So that’s one of the biggest things I wanted to work on in therapy: recognizing, “No, I do have a voice,” and knowing how use it more.

Setting boundaries can be intimidating—but writing what I want to say beforehand helps me organize my thoughts.

If I’m nervous, I’ll write down what I want to say beforehand in my notes app. I also have a journal, where I'll jot the raw deal, banana peel of how I’m feeling. Then, I’ll go back and keep editing it. Sometimes I’ll realize, “Well, that was an emotional way of saying it,” and rewrite it to what I’m really trying to get at. I find that taking a few minutes to write it first—then reread and sometimes rephrase it—helps me figure out how to best stand up for myself.

Enforcing boundaries isn’t “mean” or selfish.

Boundaries were another big priority for me—and learning how to implement them too. I felt like setting these limits meant I was being mean or not doing what everyone expected of me. But by doing that, I also wasn’t taking care of myself.

The reality is, sometimes you never know how someone will react, and I had to understand and accept that: A person's response to my boundary is really none of my business. So when I decide to set one, I think about my “why.” For example, Why do you need to take Friday off? It may seem like you’re letting other people down. It may upset others that you’re not able to work that day. But are you healthier for yourself when you take that time off?

That was just a random example. But if the answer to “why” is about you, and I guess if you’re not hurting anyone, then you should enforce your boundary and not worry what someone else’s response will be. It’s all still a work in progress for me, to be completely honest. Sometimes, I feel really, really bad and guilty. But again, taking the focus off the other person and more on myself like, Who’s going to take care of me? That helps.

Getting professional help can be intimidating, but finding the right therapist makes it all worth it.

It’s okay if you have a bad first experience. Sometimes it’s like looking for a well-fitting shoe: You can definitely shop around to find a therapist that works for you. But the first step is trying it. Just make that first appointment and show up, and don’t judge what happens.

It’ll obviously take a few sessions to get into the swing of things and decide if it’s a good fit. But don’t be scared. If you’re in the right hands, then it’s actually a really great experience—even life-changing in some of the most positive ways.

Related:

• The Morning Routine Jennifer Garner Swears By to Feel and Look Her Best at 52

• 7 Therapy Goals That Are Super Specific and Actually Achievable

• Should You Stop Going to Therapy When Things Are…Pretty Good?

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Originally Appeared on Self