Parents Are Revealing Their Greatest Regrets Surrounding How They Raised Their Kids, And It's Brutally Honest
We asked parents of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us about their regrets regarding how they raised their kids. We wanted to initiate an informative, judgment-free discussion that gave parents a safe and productive space to share. Here's what they revealed:
1."I didn't let her fail enough. Now, as an adult, any failure she has really messes with her self-esteem and mental health, and she has follow-through issues. It's my biggest parenting regret by far."
2."I regret not making my son work for everything he got. I told him, 'Get good grades, and you can have whatever you want.' He brought home all As, so I got him the newest game console. Well, you're supposed to get good grades. He never had to work hard for grades. The piece I missed was teaching him about how things work in the real world. Now he’s 25, dropped out of college, doesn’t have a job, and thinks that just because he is a good kid, he should be able to live at home and not contribute to anything. I made things too easy for him; now, he has a weak work ethic."
3."When it comes to my biggest regrets on raising my two sons, who are now adults, I should have taught them how to cook, clean, and do laundry from a young age. The result has been that they expect a woman to do all the domestic labor because it is not their job — even though a female has her own full-time job outside the home."
—Anonymous
4."I would have limited their screen time and my own. Time flies. My sons are 19 and 21 now, and none of the best moments we spent as a family were spent in front of the TV or when we were all on our own devices and not talking. Fortunately, they still live with us, and my husband and I are trying to make up for those hours by spending time with them away from mass media."
"Same! We tried to set the boundary of 'no phone until you’re 15,' but their grandparents convinced us to cave. I wish we had been more strict on time limits and app availability. After some mental health issues with both my kids, we set time limits on my youngest daughter's phone. While we've seen improvements in attitude, mental health, talking back, etc., it was a big battle at first! It would’ve been much easier to set those restrictions at the beginning and hold our ground!"
"I'm another one who regrets screentime. The iPad seemed like a great toddler toy in 2011, but if I knew then what I know now, I would have set much stricter limits. On a related note, I would *never* have let my 12-year-old have social media if asked today. I had my doubts even then, but it didn't seem like a fight that I wanted to have. I was wrong."
5."I grew up in an immigrant household with no relatives in Canada, so we didn’t celebrate many holidays, such as Easter or Thanksgiving. We didn’t have a grandma to visit on Sunday. So when I had children, I brought them up the same way, with just occasional visits to the grandparents and no big family get-togethers. Now, my children are parents and don’t come around as often as I would like."
—Anonymous
6."I regret not being better about brushing my daughter's hair and doing it more frequently when she was a toddler. She's in first grade now and cannot stand having her hair brushed or pulled back for activities. It doesn't help that she has inherited my thick, curly hair, so it's prone to knots on the back of her head."
7."My life's biggest regret is that I prioritized my child being happy 'in the moment' over sticking to boundaries and consequences I'd stated. This taught my son that he didn't really have to listen to me because I would cave when I saw him unhappy. Now that I have a stepson, I am doing for him what I should have done for my own son."
—Anonymous
8."When I was pregnant, all that came up on my Instagram feed was Montessori and gentle parenting techniques. So, I used them on my daughter. She is now a VERY determined and independent 3-year-old who will stop at nothing to do everything for herself, regardless of whether it's safe or practical for her to do so. She also verbalizes every feeling she has when I plead with her to let me help with some things. This has backfired spectacularly."
9."I have made more mistakes than anyone would care to read about! One of the big ones was not taking enough time with my kids when they were younger. We lived on a rural property, and I remember my youngest son asking me to go on a nature walk with him. I had some excuse why I couldn’t and said I'd do it another time. He’s 21 now and we never did go on a nature walk. Oh, how I wish I’d said yes and made a happy memory for both of us. The firsts are important, but the lasts break your heart. You never know the last time you’ll read a bedtime story, have a tea party, or push their swing. Take the time. Say yes. Regret hurts."
—Anonymous
10."I wasn't prepared for the way that having a child would bring my own issues to the surface. It took me probably until my oldest was 6 or 7 to realize that some of my coping mechanisms from my own childhood (like how I'm emotionally closed off, as a response to the way I was the household therapist as a child) were an overcorrection that I needed to fix to not cause problems for my own kids. But I wish I'd figured that out years earlier because those early childhood years are so important and because you can't fix your own emotional issues overnight. It's a sustained effort of trying to improve, and every day you don't, it affects your kids."
11."Not speaking up when my stepkids were little. My wife always said, 'You're not their parent! But I live here. Their behavior affects me. Her guilty parenting and letting them get away with murder has created two children with no friends, no work ethic, and no self-esteem. Divorced parents: I know you feel guilty, but you must still parent your kids. Don't bring a stepparent into their lives and expect that person to be a silent ATM for your lifestyle."
12."Worrying. Worrying so much about how they were meeting their milestones and spending so much time researching and everything. In the beginning, trying to help my boys was one of my top priorities. But as they've gotten older, I've learned that some things take a little longer. I'm thankful I got them the help they needed at such a young age. But I spent so much time researching that I truly didn't take the time to enjoy what they were doing. It's honestly a hard balance."
13."I regret not raising my children how I wanted to in order to 'keep them quiet' and work around their dad's moods. They constantly got away with things or got their way just so I could 'keep the peace,' keep them quiet, and leave their dad alone. There have been so many missed opportunities for fun days out because their dad didn't want to go but didn't want to be left alone, so we all suffered and stayed home. I should have stuck up for them more so they could do what they needed instead of trying to avoid a confrontation. I thought keeping the peace at home was a good thing, but my kids missed out on so much that I wanted to do with them."
"I grew up in that environment. My dad would pop off at us for whatever reason, and I was the one who'd suck up all the negative. I have horrible anxiety issues because of this. And I have horrible conflict-resolution skills. It came from generational trauma. But it's never too late to spend time with them, with or without dad."
14."I wish I knew then that I could learn things from my kids. Also, I wish that I was more understanding."
—Anonymous
15."I regret allowing my child to play with a neighbor child who was sort of mean. I should have stopped this friendship on her behalf immediately."
16.And: "I was fortunate to parent before the internet and smartphones were big. I have absolutely no regrets about my parenting, and my kids have turned out amazingly well. However, I definitely didn't focus enough on my relationship with my husband during those years. We were both so committed to our parenting that we lost our love for one another. We respected and liked each other, but we didn't see each other as partners any longer — only 'mom' and 'dad' (and we agreed 100% on everything in that area). I wish I had been a better spouse during those years."
—Anonymous
Do you have any parenting regrets? What do you wish you'd done differently? Tell us in the comments or share anonymously using this form.
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
