How My Partner and I Have Sex in Public
Welcome to Doing It, a column where sex educator Varuna Srinivasan explores the deep connections between sex and emotions. This month, they speak with experts and people who have sex in public about why it can be such a thrill.
The words “having public sex” tend to spark visceral reactions: disgust, excitement, or maybe a little bit of both. If it sounds scandalous to you, that’s probably because you’re picturing having penetrative sex in public—a naked couple writhing around on a beach towel or getting freaky in the bushes at the park. And while those things are, indeed, public sex, the act can also include other sexual activities.
Truth be told, most of us at some point have expressed our “love” in public, whether it be adrenaline-fueled French kissing on the dance floor at a club or a quick hand job in the parking lot. Depending on where you live, laws prohibiting public sex can encompass public displays of affection, exhibitionism, dogging, cruising, and voyeurism. Niki Davis-Fainbloom, a sex educator, defines public sex as “any sexual activity that takes place in a location accessible to the general public, where others might witness the act, and which exceeds the cultural norms of public displays of affection (PDA). As the naughtiness is inherent to the definition, for some folks sneaking away to make out in public can be defined as public sex.”
Recently, this type of PDA made headlines—and possibly your FYP—when a video featuring two people fooling around under a blanket in a public park (they were quickly dubbed the NYC blanket couple) went viral. While it wasn’t clear what they were up to (they could have been wrestling), their brazenness and casual nonchalance as they romped around under a gray fuzzy blanket elicited a range of reactions, ranging from amusement to displeasure. It’s unclear if they got arrested for their unusual approach to PDA, but at least one video shows them coming out from under the blankets looking completely unfazed.
“Sneaking away to make out in public can be defined as public sex.”
Some couples may engage in public sex simply for the kinky thrill of it all. But there are also so-called “third places”—safe, public spaces specifically created for having casual sex amongst a group of other people—that are especially common in the queer community.
While laws around public sex have existed in some form since the Victorian era, legal structures were strictly standardized across the country in the 20th century, namely around the 1980s, as an effort to control the HIV epidemic. These laws often disproportionately targeted the LGBTQ+ community, leading to increased scrutiny and regulation of public sexual behavior.
Salonee Bhaman, phD, a feminist scholar and postdoctoral fellow at the Center for Women's History at the New-York Historical Society, explains to Allure that “as HIV was spread via sexual contact, there was a push to crack down on many establishments where public sex was known to happen between strangers or casual acquaintances, [like] bathhouses, sex theaters, and cruising in parks.”
Today, 33 states in the US allow women to go topless and expose their nipples in public, but any other type of genital exposure or public acts of lewdness is illegal in all 50 states. But those bathhouses and spas with improved sex practices still exist as third places where any couple can visit to engage in sexual activity.
Take Jill, a 27-year-old from Dubai who has, on occasion, visited spas and clubs with her husband as a way to engage in their exhibitionist fantasies and meet other people. “Our first time [having public sex] was at a spa which I must admit was quite professional," Jills ays. “They had bowls of condoms and staff that were cleaning surfaces down as people were having sex. The spa had many rooms and, as we walked around looking for a spot, just seeing other people have sex was a huge turn on for me. We continued to watch people as we had sex with each other; doggy in particular allowed for a good view.”
Jill and her husband have also visited naturist beach clubs, where they will engage in group sex with other couples. “During the entire process, people were watching us…but you don't think too much about it because everyone is there for the same reason,” Jill says.
Outside of these third places, people might engage in public sex due to the excitement associated with the idea of being caught. “For some the fact that it is illegal can actually heighten the thrill and excitement of engaging in public sex,” says Davis-Fainbloom. “Public sex can enhance excitement and arousal due to the risk and novelty, strengthen intimacy, and fulfill specific fantasies.”
Anika is a 31-year-old from India who risked it all to have sex on the roof of a high rise building. “My first time with a woman was on the roof of another person’s apartment building which we simply chose because of how fancy it looked,” Anika says. “We had sex on a deck chair and, while we didn’t get caught, there was such a thrill knowing we might because it was so open that anyone in the neighboring buildings could easily see us.”
Location is everything and can be part of the allure. Still, Davis-Fainbloom recommends that couples choose a secluded spot away from families and kiddos, preferably at night. But know that, even if all the families who were around during the day have gone home for dinner, getting caught having sex on the beach can still come with not-so-hot consequences. The punishment for public lewdness can range from six months to five years in jail and come with a fine starting at $1000 depending on which state you’re in–and all of that only goes up if you’re caught more than once.
Mimi, a 29 year old professional living in New York, experienced public sex for the first time at night in a secluded (and rather unique) place.
“On a night out where we were drinking, my partner and I walked past a graveyard connected to a church on the way home. I pulled him into the graveyard to make out,” Mimi says. “We ended up on the ground. He starts to finger me and then I rid his face until we heard a noise. We weren’t sure if it was people or a fox—but either way, we hurried up and left!”
“One of the best locations I found was a public golf course.”
Alan, a 32-year-old from the UK also endorses avoiding others if you’re trying to have sex truly out in the open. “My partner and I have engaged in outdoor sex on a handful of occasions over the time we have been together,” Alan says. “On each occasion, we went on a walk until we got somewhere secluded, most of the time at night. We never came close to being caught. We deliberately chose secluded areas and times where the likelihood of getting caught was low and where we would likely have seen/heard anyone coming before they saw us. One of the best locations I found was a public golf course, as people don’t generally play golf at night and there is plenty of tree cover.”
Depending on where you live, there are many different ways you can foray into the world of public sex. If going to bathhouses or spas are not your thing, start by fooling around in your car parked down an empty secluded street. If you’re into toys, you can wear vibrating panties and hand over the remote control to your partner for a little public fun. No matter what act you engage in in public, practice safe sex and make an effort not to make others around you uncomfortable—which could mean being ready to wrap it up at a moment’s notice.
Read more from Doing It:
What Really Happens at a Sex Party
What It's Like to Try an Open Marriage After 10 Years of Monogamy
Originally Appeared on Allure
