Patricia Altschul's Tips for How to Find a Husband
Patricia Altschul is usually the voice of reason on Southern Charm, and throughout the four seasons of the show she has doled out advice on manners, marriage, and everything in between (she memorably suggested to Thomas Ravenel, "Instead of impregnating 21-year-olds, you might refocus, is all I'm suggesting.") Having been married three times, she has plenty of wisdom about relationships to share, so we asked for her best dating tips and quizzed her on the most effective ways to find a partner.
You've been married three times. What were your weddings like?
When I first got married, my mother said, "Do you want a big check or a big wedding?" and I said that I wanted a big check. Big weddings are a waste of money. I was a bridesmaid at least 10 times after I graduated from college and I saw so much stress and so many arguments. The families fought, the brides and grooms fought. I even saw a mother of a groom go down the aisle and yank all the flowers off the pews just before everybody came into the church for the ceremony because they had argued about that beforehand.
I decided that I never wanted a big wedding. I wore a cocktail dress with a hat and a veil to my first wedding. Both my father and my husband's father had passed, so it was just the two of us with our mothers and the the minister.
My second wedding took place on my husband's motor yacht, and I was married by a trust officer from the bank. I wore a white linen Thierry Mugler suit with deck shoes.
And my third wedding - a judge married us in my husband’s Fifth Avenue apartment and I wore a pink Chanel dress with a long jacket and Chanel shoes. Our children were there - he had five children and I had Whitney - and then we just had a bunch of friends over for an amazing cake made by Sylvia Weinstock. Those are my wedding extravaganzas story. It’s the antithesis of weddings as you know them. The next time I get married, I want to get married through the drive-through Elvis chapel in Las Vegas.
You set up Landon and Thomas at the beginning of this season on Southern Charm. How do you usually go about setting people up?
I think the best way that you can set a couple up is to have a dinner party. The cast knew that there was going to be a set-up, as did Thomas, but it’s a very nice way to do it, because you can have six or eight people over and then seat the couple in question next to each other. Because the cast is on reality television they got right into it and asked Thomas if he would require a prenup - but that would not happen in real life.
Do you think that setting couples up has gone out of fashion?
Definitely... because of the internet. I’ll be the first one to admit that I don’t understand online dating. The number of people you can check out on dating apps is like a smorgasbord of people, as opposed to a few select people that your friends or family might recommend.
Online dating is so impersonal and I think it’s dangerous, too. If you are tempted to use a dating app, you should ask for the person’s information and google them and then go to BeenVerified, where for $25 you can get a background check and make sure they are not a serial killer or a pedophile. And then you should meet in a very public place.
What are the best ways to find a potential husband, other than a set up?
My mother always said to me that whenever you’re invited to a party, an opening, or a big gathering, you should always go because you can meet other people. I met my first husband like that. I went to a party even though I wasn’t enthusiastic about my date or the party, but it turned out to be a great way to meet people because I had just moved to Washington.
I think that you can meet men by going to sporting events. My idea of a sporting event is the Kentucky Derby, and I will admit I’ve never been to a baseball game or a basketball game, but I’ve heard from other people that they have met very nice men by doing this.
Even if you know that the person who invited you isn’t the one, you should always go because you can meet other people.
I think that you can meet people by joining museums too. I advise young people to join the Young Fellows of the Frick Collection and the Apollo Circle of the Metropolitan Museum of Art; they have wonderful events and not only do you learn things and see exhibits, but you also meet very nice people. If you join any organization. And I think church used to be where we met people, but young people don’t go to church as much as they used to.
What would you do if you ran out of things to talk about during a date?
I would ask questions. The best thing you can say to anybody on a date is, "Tell me about yourself." That lets your date choose the subject, and most people love talking about themselves. You’ll find that down south the men would tell you about their families, what they are interested in, and their hobbies. But if you say, “Tell me about yourself,” in the North, the men will tell you where they work, where they live, and how much money they make.
One time I was seated next to a nuclear physicist at an awards dinner at the Smithsonian and I thought, What the hell do I talk to this man about? I knew who he was because he was being honored that night, and I thought of two questions to ask him. I first said to him, "I’ve never understood black holes," and I had no idea if nuclear physicists even knew anything about black holes, but he expounded on the topic for the entire course. And then I said to him "I live in Washington and every time I go to the Smithsonian I marvel at the pendulum but I’ve never quite understood what makes it work," and that took care of another 40 minutes. At the end of the dinner his wife came over and he said to her, "I’ve had the most interesting conversation with this lady." Once you find out what their interests are, you just ask questions. But make sure to seem genuinely interested!
If you go on a date or two with someone but you know it is not going to work, do you think there is a more polite way to end things than "ghosting"?
I think that ghosting is rude. If somebody has taken you out, you always must at least say "Thank you so much, that was such a nice dinner," and leave it at that. And then if they call or text you again, you should would politely decline and say you have a conflict. You can say, "I would love to go to dinner but I am afraid I have a conflict." And remember that people do talk - your date might tell his friends that you didn’t respond or that you were rude to his request.
You want to end up with someone who is "comparable or better."
You told Landon to find a mate who is her "equal or better in terms of education, background, and what they can offer her." Can you elaborate?
Everybody differs their background and their educational status. You want to end up with someone who is, as I like to say, "comparable or better." You want somebody comparable to you, if not more elevated in terms of your background and education. I like to be around people who are accomplished because you can learn so much from them. And I think that people also have to consider earning capability, how you want to live, and what your aspirations are. These are all important things that couples should talk about before they get married, but many don’t.
Do you have any tips for getting a man to propose to you?
Well, I’ve never had any problems. I don’t think you get them to propose. You know if you are in love genuinely to the point where you want a commitment and want to get married. If that doesn’t happen, then you have to say to your partner, "This has been wonderful and I truly love you, but I want to be married and I want a family and I don’t want this to go on in limbo - I think the only thing I can do now is look elsewhere."
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