17 People Who Didn't Have Premarital Sex Are Discussing Their Wedding Nights And If They Have Any Regrets, And It's Really Interesting
We asked members of the BuzzFeed Community who waited until marriage to have sex to tell us about their decision to wait and to share whether or not their feelings have changed since then. Their responses were incredibly honest, interesting, and actually quite surprising. Here's what people revealed:
1."We waited to have sex until after being married. We were married young, and he was my first serious boyfriend. I'd made out with a few people but never done the full act, so it was very awkward, and I didn't know what to do. The playlist I made was laughable when I look back on it, and I was very loud because I felt like I had to be. *Note: Porn is fake and sets you up to feel weird if you're trying to imitate it.* I wish I could have just been in it, enjoyed the moment more, and stopped trying to live up to this weird expectation I had in my head. I am glad my experience was with someone I knew, loved, and committed to. We've been married for over 10 years now, and the improvement is drastic, much more natural, and enjoyable."
—Anonymous
2."We waited for religious reasons. We met in college and dated for three years total before getting married. It was definitely hard to wait, but we believed that sex was designed to be enjoyed within the confines of a committed marriage relationship. Our first night was amazing. Heck, our whole honeymoon was amazing. I would say the sex has only continued to get better (married for 10 years now). Compared to now, our first time wasn't as amazing looking back. But it was amazing to experience it for the first time together and to continue to be able to grow sexually together. I love our sex life, he loves our sex life, and I have zero regrets about choosing to share that side of myself with him alone. I realize not everyone has this experience."
"I would say that although my parents taught me to wait until marriage, they did a great job of not making sex feel like this shameful or dirty thing. They described it as a wonderful gift to enjoy with your spouse, so making that jump from abstinence to being sexually active included zero feelings of shame or guilt."
—Anonymous
3."We were both virgins on our wedding night. I was so afraid to get pregnant, so despite being on the Pill, we wanted to use a condom as well. The first go was bumpy at best. I recall looking at my husband and saying, 'Teenagers do this. It can't be that difficult!' We laughed and tried until we found a position and rhythm that worked for us. I thought it would be like The 40-year-old Virgin — two minutes and done for him. Nope! It lasted about 30 minutes; then I had to call it quits. We tried again the next three days, but he still could not finish. Finally, we figured out that the condoms were too tight and bought some new ones, and that solved that!"
"We've been married 16 years, and our intimate life is PHENOMENAL! We talk openly outside of the bedroom with each other about this subject with zero shame or judgment. Being able to have those talks has made sex and intimacy so much better and much more frequent despite being parents to three kids. We have a better, more active sex life now than we did at the beginning. We've learned with each other, and I would never trade that."
—Anonymous
4."My husband and I were both virgins when we got married at 34 and 28. The decision was one we made because of our faith and also because we wanted to be with each other only. We were physical enough to know the chemistry was there, but we felt that abstaining from sex helped us make a clear decision about our comparability and desire to get married. We also talked about how often we wanted to have sex and had open conversations about sex before we were married. Our wedding night was awesome."
"He had done some reading on how to make the experience comfortable and enjoyable for me, and we had a wonderfully fun and exciting time. We took our time, and there was minimal discomfort. The honeymoon had a bit of a learning curve, but we figured out what worked for us pretty quickly. Kids have lowered our current frequency more than we would like, but we do our best and still have what I think is an above-average, adventurous sex life. I know friends who made the same choice and have had struggles in the bedroom, but I am so happy with our choice. I knew my partner was kind and fun and would put my needs before his. Everything else, I felt, could be worked on."
—Anonymous
5."He chugged two bottles of wine that his mom gave us, then spanked me with a wire hanger until I was sobbing and licked my tears off before having sex with me. I was 18 and didn't even know that women could experience sexual attraction, so we both assumed it was true love when that did happen. We waited until our wedding night because that's what 'good Baptists' do. I discovered he struggled with alcoholism and had a bad porn addiction that he wanted to act out all in one night. I stayed for almost two years because our church told me I had to stay or I'd go to hell, and no one would ever want me again because I was 'used goods.'"
6."I grew up in a very conservative Christian religion that taught sex before marriage was a sin. I was not quite on board, so I ended up doing pretty much everything other than penile penetrative sex with multiple boyfriends. I experienced orgasms and had an understanding of what I did and didn't like. But my husband, who also grew up in a Christian religion and was taught sex before marriage was a sin, had never even kissed a girl or had a girlfriend when I met him. I taught him a few things while we were dating."
"We got married after only a year, so it was pretty fast. We were in our early 20s. We did wait until our wedding night to have sex, and honestly, it was pretty terrible. I guess it had been built up as this huge thing, and it didn't meet our expectations. Obviously, it's gotten better, and we're still happily married after seven years together, but I definitely will not raise our kids to think sex is some taboo thing that gives you a one-way ticket to hell. What a weird way to think."
—Anonymous
7."I waited until marriage to have sex. I had not even 'experimented' with myself. I don't regret only having my husband as my partner, but I do wish I had been able to experiment with myself and learn more about what a healthy sex life should be. I grew up in a very religious setting, and it left me with some mental trauma. All my life, I was told that sex is bad, but then suddenly, once married, I'm supposed to be able to flip a switch to 'sex is good.' It doesn't work like that. Not only do I have that issue, but I also have vaginismus, which can strain a relationship, and I think it all stems from my upbringing and the mental toll a strict raising like that has brought."
"My parents' version of sex ed was handing me a book from the early '90s and telling me to read it when I was around 11. I have vowed that when I have my own children, I will teach them openly and respectfully about their bodies and sex, give my advice, but let them make their choices. I don't regret not waiting until marriage for sex, but I regret the stringent upbringing that made me unfamiliar with my own body, even now. It's taken PT and therapy, and I still don't have a normal sex life (though anxiety and depression are contributing to that as well).
Proper sex education and exploration of your own body are so important. I'm still religious, even now, but I have broken out of the ultra-conservative ways that damaged me growing up. But one of the biggest things I want women to know is this: It is NOT supposed to hurt. If it continuously hurts, please see a doctor. I thought I just wasn't 'experienced' enough, and that's why sex was hurting because I didn't know better. Thank goodness I was directed to a doctor and could get diagnosed to be able to work on treating the vaginismus."
—Anonymous
8."My wife and I both waited until marriage to do the deed for religious reasons. But the wedding night was really amazing. We had a big, fun wedding, and the first night together was really special. We just hit five years together, and every time still feels special. There is something to be said about growing together sexually. We both had no prior experience before we were with each other, so we had nothing to compare each other to. But we both focused on each other's pleasure and communicated well. 10/10 would recommend."
9."Yes, I waited, then didn't enjoy it at all. Then, I realized I didn't enjoy sex with men. I opened my marriage, met a woman, and got divorced. I'm now not dating because I am actively transitioning to androgynous."
—Anonymous
10."I waited until marriage because of religious beliefs. I wasn't pressured by purity culture; I actually didn't experience that growing up. My parents were pro-sex ed, and they encouraged my questions. They always told me, 'We believe sex should be reserved for marriage, BUT if you choose to have sex before, tell us, and we will get you birth control.' My experience with this topic at church was also generally positive. Now, here's where it gets interesting. My husband is an atheist. Before we dated, I told him I wouldn't have sex until marriage, and he was fine with it. He grew up in a super dysfunctional family where sex was prioritized above all else, to the point it caused constant turmoil, so he wanted to try something different. We dated for two years, married, and had sex for the first time on our wedding night."
"It's been six years, and we're very happy. I'm still religious, and he is still atheist. We're both glad we waited. We both feel society is too quick to scoff at waiting and is too sex-obsessed."
11."I (31F) and my husband (28M) waited until our wedding night when we were 27 and 24. His waiting just kind of happened, but mine was rooted in my desire to share myself totally and completely with my husband when he WAS my husband (not dating or engaged). I wanted that commitment before I made the physical commitment. The night was very memorable. We drove back to our new house (living together before marriage was a big no-no in our families), we sat and talked, he went upstairs, and I had a small drink to calm my nerves. When he led me upstairs to our new bedroom, he lit candles all over the room, spread rose petals on the bed and floor, and put on some very nice romantic instrumental music. We went very slowly and stopped when we needed to. It may not have been the movie-esque perfect time (yes, it hurt a bit), but it was perfect and wonderful to share that moment and first time with my husband. It was a bonus that it was also his first time too. No regrets!"
—Anonymous
12."I waited to have sex because of my Christian beliefs. I am happy I did. My partner had not waited but then decided on his own before we started dating to be celibate again, and we waited together during our two years of dating/engagement. On the wedding night, I felt very nervous because I didn't really know what to expect and was nervous about the pain that others had shared with me when I lost it. But honestly, we did it three times that night/morning, and it was fun figuring it out! It wasn't steamy hot, but it didn't bother me because I felt like we had time to learn about each other and what felt good together. We created a safe space to experiment and ask each other to try new things. Almost 10 years later, it's been an enjoyable experience growing closer and learning new things about each other over time. We are still trying new things, and it gets better and better. I 100% would recommend waiting."
—Anonymous
13."I had a culturally Catholic upbringing, but my family stopped attending after I had my First Communion at age 7. I had comprehensive sex education in my public school because the principal had been a health teacher who had specialized in it. I still chose to wait until marriage to have sexual intercourse because I didn't want to risk getting an incurable STI, getting pregnant, or even just turning into that girlfriend who goes, 'We had sex once, so now we're soulmates.' Every form of contraception has a failure rate greater than 0 for STIs and/or conception, and I'm not a betting gal. In addition to that, I suspected I had vaginismus due to being completely unable to use tampons or get through a pap smear, so if I was unable to have penetrative sex, I wanted to find that out with a partner that I knew loved me for me rather than some random guy who thought I was hot."
"My own mother laughed when I told her that I wanted to wait until marriage, saying, 'Yeah, come see me when you get to college.' In the end, I didn't get married until I was 35 (and didn't have my first mouth-to-mouth kiss until I was 29 years old with my first boyfriend). I was a virgin on my wedding night. Obviously, I had some pretty hot make-out sessions with my second boyfriend, who eventually became my husband, but essentially, our clothes were always on. My husband was not a virgin, so he coached me through sexual intercourse.
Surprisingly, we got it on during our wedding night, despite my expectations that we wouldn't, and it was one of the best nights of my life. I wasn't able to do penetrative sex on my wedding night because of vaginismus, but six months of pelvic floor therapy resolved that. I have no regrets about my decision to remain a virgin until I was married, but I'm the first to say that it's not without its own consequences. Also, I don't know how it would have been if my husband had also been a virgin or if we had never had our hot make-out sessions before getting married. By the way, I don't think I'm this awesome person because I was a virgin on my wedding night. It happened to sit well with me, and I had no negative long-term consequences due to a decision I made in my teens."
—Anonymous
14."My wife and I dated for almost five years before marriage. We were sort of high school sweethearts (she was a senior, and I had just graduated when we met). She went to college out of town, and we consistently spent time with one another, which kept the relationship strong and stable. We decided very early in our relationship that sex needed to be saved for marriage. My view on this was mostly formed by evangelical purity culture. However, it did mean something to me to save this important part of life for an important person. Fast forward to our wedding night. I don't want to sound cliché, but it was genuinely magical."
"In the many years since our wedding, I have never regretted waiting to share that moment with her on our wedding night. My perspective on waiting until marriage is still similar now, but not due to an evangelical purity curse. I still think that sex is such a meaningful experience and that it should be reserved for someone who sees you, knows you, and cares about all aspects of your life. Whether that is committed in a marriage or a stable relationship, hopefully, that person is the one who makes you feel safe in such a vulnerable and meaningful experience."
—Anonymous
15."We got married young, at 20 and 22. We were both so tired from the long day that we should have just gone to bed. The physical aspect was awkward, and we laughed a lot. The next day, after getting sleep, it was much better. We talked about everything before, during, and after, and that really was key to feeling completely comfortable. It made discussing different positions or fantasies easier, without fear of judgment. That level of trust was amazing. We were married for 10 years until his unexpected death during COVID."
16."It was so hard for both of us, waiting the almost three years we dated (and our whole lives before that). But it was so worth it. There is something really special about knowing that no one else ever gets that part of you, and it's a special gift only for your spouse. We really took it slow, enjoyed the fully nude reveals for the first time, and tried many of the foreplay things we had been wanting to do. The actual intercourse was only a small part of it. He's a big guy, and I'm on the smaller side, so it took a few days for me to stretch out enough to be pleasurable. He was patient and took it slow, ensuring I enjoyed myself every time."
"We've been married for 12 years now, and I'm still feeling incredibly blessed to have a husband who is so selfless (in bed and many other ways). We both came from purity culture but decided for ourselves. We felt strongly that it was the right thing to do and would strengthen our relationship in the long run."
17.And: "My husband and I (24M and 26F at the time) were each other's first kiss on our wedding day after two years of dating! We are Christians, so no premarital sex and no kissing were the boundaries we felt comfortable with for our dating/engaged relationship. I felt nauseous after our reception when we got to our hotel because I hadn't eaten enough (I know, I know). I wore a negligée and alternated between cuddling and trying to puke. It wasn't until the next morning that we took a look at each other naked, and it was the first time I had ever seen an erect penis."
"Because my husband and I had always respected each other's boundaries while dating and engaged, we both felt very safe to explore sex together. We were virgins until about five days in due to my period coming the day after our wedding and then needing to stretch/break my hymen gently. From the beginning, we have always ensured the other person gets what they want and feels treasured and pleasured. Our sex life is great; we have no regrets!"
—Anonymous
Did you wait until marriage to have sex? How was the experience? Do you have any regrets, or are you happy with your decision? Tell us in the comments or share your story anonymously using this form.
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
