This Person Was Confronted By HR For Not Donating "Condolence Money" After A Colleague's Relative Died — Now They Want To Know If They're In The Wrong
It's never easy when a loved one dies. And work problems are the last thing anyone wants to deal with while grieving.
Well, a little while ago, Reddit user u/1007pineapples (who I'll call Pine) posted in the Am I The Asshole subreddit. After their grandma died, they didn't receive "condolence money" like employees usually do, and it caused drama at work. Here's the full story:
"There is a practice in my workplace that if someone passes away, be it our colleagues or their relatives, HR will pass around envelopes for us to put money in. 'Condolence money,' they call it. They are a way for us to send our prayers, and the money would be for the family of the deceased. I have always put some money into the envelopes, from $10 to $100, depending on how close I am to the affected colleague."
When Pine's grandmother passed away during the height of the pandemic, they couldn't travel to their parents' home country and attend the funeral because one of their family members is high risk. Pine told HR about their grandma's death, but their workplace required a death certificate to grant compassionate leave. So, Pine just used annual leave to mourn at home with their family.
"HR did not arrange a collection of condolence money for my grandmother, after the many times of me offering up mine for my colleagues' deceased family members. I know they need a death certificate as proof, but it would be very inappropriate for me to ask my extended family for her death certificate."
Well, HR announced that a colleague's family member died and handed out envelopes for condolence money. This didn't sit well with Pine, and they chose not to contribute. When HR asked why, they explained "how unfair" it felt that they always donate to others, but no one donated to them when their grandmother passed away.
"I got told about how it was not their fault that I could not provide the death certificate, and that the money was supposed to be a form of prayer, not exchange. In the end, I stood firm, saying I will not give any money. Now the whole department knows that I refused to give condolence money, and some people have been looking at me disapprovingly. AITA for not giving any money?"
As you can imagine, there were a ton of responses for this one. Many people thought Pine was not the A-hole:
"NTA. Why does the whole department know? Isn't there a confidentiality clause at your work? I think this is bullying if it continues beyond one incident."
"Your workplace sounds seriously sketchy. No one should be made aware of who has donated and who has not done so. No one should ever be pressured to give, as people may be in strained financial circumstances. No one should be guilt-tripped for not giving or not giving 'enough.' And 'form of prayer?' WTF. Religion should not be practiced in your workplace. AT ALL.
Proof should not be required for coworkers to show compassion and generosity. You are NTA for not donating. Your workplace is TA for shaming you for not donating."
Others thought everyone sucks here:
"ESH. Sending money just seems kind of crass. How much money would one normally get anyway? I can’t imagine it touching funeral expenses. I think it’s a crappy practice to begin with. But I also think that you're expecting an exception to the rules everyone else has to follow, and that is also not great. And now you’re following it up with pettiness? Can’t imagine that’s going to go over well in the long run with your workplace, as you are now seeing."
"ESH, you more than HR. They shouldn't have confronted you about not donating, as that is unprofessional. But you clearly have no problem with the practice itself as you have contributed in the past and would have accepted the money if given to you. So you're refusing to donate out of pettiness, not principle, which makes you the bigger A-hole."
But many thought Pine was the A-hole:
"YTA. They needed proof of a death, which you did not provide. Now you act bitter because a colleague could actually supply a death certificate. She was your grandmother; why didn't you ask a parent or someone and mention that work required it? The whole money thing sounds tacky anyway and is probably the reason why most companies just send flowers as condolences. Anyone could claim a family member had died and want money; the death certificate is to make sure no one is doing anything dodgy."
"Gently, YTA. HR had no proof of a death in your family; you could have provided this and opted not to. If you never contributed to these things because of your own beliefs, I'd say NTA, but it's clear this is because you're angry HR didn't get you anything.
It's not inappropriate to ask for a death certificate; my work always asks for a copy if a person is to take compassionate leave. You chose to use annual leave instead. Where I am, a business must be careful with money collections in case of fraud. So without proof of a death in the family, it could have been quite risky for them to collect money for you."
Note: Responses were edited for length and/or clarity.
