How to Practice Self-Gratitude This Thanksgiving
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Gratitude—something a lot of us practice on Thanksgiving—tends to be a particularly warm, fuzzy and, dare we say, noble concept. You are taking the time to give copious thanks to the people, places, and things that help make your life worth living. And whether that’s expressed vocally at a Thanksgiving table once a year or silently in a journal a bit more often, the practice seems to have a trove of health benefits too. Research suggests that expressing gratitude might help improve a person’s sleep and stress, all while reducing depression and anxiety.
Of course, gratitude is usually heavy on kudos for everyone and everything but the person giving thanks. For example, with a Thanksgiving feast, perhaps you give credit to all of the external forces that led to it, like having an income that allows you to buy groceries—not the hard work it took to get there. Alternatively, maybe you express thankfulness for the people at the table, and what they’ve done for you, as opposed to the trials you faced (and overcame) in solitude. “Usually, when people talk about gratitude, they’re talking about gratitude for other people. But self-gratitude I think is very nice too,” Sonja Lyubomirsky, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside, whose research primarily centers on gratitude and kindness, tells SELF. “And sometimes, people feel a little uncomfortable doing it. It just seems a little awkward. But I think it’s really important and healthy.”
Listen, this article isn’t meant to detract from the power of appreciation toward others. But it’s equally paramount to give yourself a pat on the back too. Here’s exactly how to practice self-gratitude on Thanksgiving.
Recognize what your inner critic is saying—and take steps to silence it.
You know that obnoxious, grating voice in your brain that keeps you from applying to your dream job or berates you for minuscule mistakes? That’s your inner critic piping up—and it can be super harmful: Studies have suggested that self-criticism is associated with higher rates of depression and self-harm. Importantly, though, it’s also something a self-gratitude practice can help counteract, Dr. Lyubomirsky says.
Of course, you might need to take steps to silence that mean little mouthpiece before you can find things you’re thankful for. To start, as SELF has previously reported, it’s important to recognize what the complaint is—negative inner thoughts could be so common for you that you don’t consciously hear them anymore. You might try writing them down in a journal, then reflecting on those ideas: Would you say them to a close friend or even your childhood self? That can be a powerful way of viewing the criticism from an objective viewpoint, Jody Thomas, PhD, a clinical psychologist and founder of the nonprofit Meg Foundation, tells SELF. “Our heads can be dangerous places to hang out,” she says.
Take note of your intrinsic achievements, rather than external ones.
When taking stock of things about yourself to be grateful for, Dr. Lyubomirsky says it might be tempting to fixate on stuff that feels like real, tangible accolades—say, the down payment you just put on your first home or stellar job you just snagged. Those are praise-worthy things, sure, but they’re not *really* the stuff you should be grateful for (and can easily go down the drain in a split second for just about anyone going through tough times and hitting roadblocks that are out of their control). Instead, it’s the core qualities that got you to those places—grit, determination, courage, kindness—you should be celebrating.
This is where considering a close pal can come into help again, Dr. Thomas says. “Think about what you would say to someone else…it’s much easier for us to think in that context,” she explains. Perhaps you love that your BFF has a great sense of style and is super fun to be around—but is that why you care for her so much? Probably not, Dr. Thomas points out. “We can be grateful she has a great fashion sense, but my guess is, she’s not your best friend because she dresses cute,” Dr. Thomas says, noting that there is probably some deep core value you share (kindness, the ability to be present) that you really love.
Also, Dr. Thomas adds that, if you are a woman, it’s okay to have some appreciation for the things you do for other people—say, you’re always first to volunteer for things—but try to dig a little deeper than that. “Being selfless is great, but it’s something I really challenge people, particularly women, to define what they value about themselves outside of what they can offer to others,” she explains.
Ask somebody who loves you what they admire about you. Seriously.
As Dr. Thomas and Dr. Lyubomirsky both stress, self-gratitude doesn’t come naturally—mostly because we’re not really ingrained to think that way. And even if and when we land on something we’re appreciative of about ourselves “there’s an immediate reaction of, ‘Am I literally supposed to say this? Am I allowed to say this? Do I believe this is this?’” Dr. Thomas says. “There’s often an instant reaction of defensiveness or uncertainty.”
Remember how listing off a loved one’s positive attributes can come so naturally? If you’re really struggling to find things about yourself to be grateful for, enlisting the help of people in your life can help. “One of the things that can make it easier to do that is actually hearing what other people think about you,” Dr. Thomas explains, adding that, while you don’t have to absorb praise and immediately believe what they’re saying, just hearing those words can be super powerful. “It becomes this weird permission to be, like, ‘Oh, well, if others see me like that, I guess it’s okay that I can see that in myself,” she notes.
Find a self-gratitude practice that works for you.
Once you’ve identified things you’re grateful for about yourself—which, TBH, is probably 90% of the battle here—it’s time to pick a way to strategically process those thoughts (so you can reap all the benefits of gratitude). As SELF previously reported, there are a few smart ways to go about this:
Keep a gratitude journal. “A physical structured practice around self-gratitude is important,” Dr. Thomas says, and taking time to manually transfer those thoughts to paper can give your brain time to really process them.
Write a letter to yourself. Dr. Lyubomirsky also recommends putting your ideas on paper, but by speaking directly to yourself, either present or past. “My students and I just did a study where we asked people to write gratitude letters, and by far the most common target was their mom, which is nice,” she explains, noting that the same logic can apply to self-gratitude. “People, of course, can also write blessings, and you could say you’re grateful for your health or whatever, for anything in your life, your opportunities.”
Try a “mindful” walk. If journaling or writing letters aren’t your thing, you can also organize your thoughts via a mindfulness practice—say, during a pre-Thanksgiving-meal walk, or even a few minutes of alone time outside on the patio while the turkey cooks.
Don’t force yourself to be grateful for “hard” lessons.
Whether it’s on Thanksgiving or at any point throughout the year, Dr. Thomas says there can be a lot of pressure to be grateful no matter the circumstances. Being kind and thankful toward yourself has its benefits, sure, but trying to force a silver lining into hardships can backfire. “Being grateful and self-gratitude does not mean that we have to be grateful for the terrible things that happen to us or the terrible things in our life.” Instead, Dr. Thomas says, self-gratitude can come in the form of allowance: You give yourself space to be angry, devastated, disappointed, or annoyed. She uses the death of a loved one as an example: “Yes, I’m grateful they existed. I’m not grateful they’re gone,” she explains.
As Dr. Thomas and Dr. Lyubomirsky both stress, self-gratitude isn’t something that comes naturally for most people, and it might take some time and practice to show yourself *actual* compassion. Still, no matter what circumstance you find yourself in over the holiday (alone or with family, grieving, or just getting by), try to carve out space and time for stuff that truly, genuinely makes you feel better, be it a self-gratitude journal entry, goofy text exchange with a close pal, or series binge-watch on Netflix.
Related:
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Originally Appeared on Self
