PSA to men: you don't need to touch a woman's waist to 'get past' her
You're on a crowded Central line tube at rush hour. A man wants to get off, he tells another man,"Excuse me, mate". He moves you to the side... by putting his hands on your waist.
You're at a busy bar at happy hour. You're clearly waiting to order a drink. A man moves into the space next to you, and while he does, places his hand on your lower back and says, "Just squeezing in".
You're in Tesco, deciding what cheese to buy. A man behind you approaches, reaching over for milk. He says, "Don't mind me" whilst moving you to the side – by, you've guessed it, touching your midsection.
If you're a woman, these situations will all sound familiar. Unremarkable, even. I know, because they happened to me within the space of a week. Actually, it happens most times that I'm in a crowded public space and until recently, I'd let it slide. Feeling it wasn't worth challenging. It makes me uncomfortable, sure, but on the scale of things men do to make me feel uneasy in public? This felt pretty minor. When you're existing in a society rife with misogyny, and under the structure of patriarchy, a gentle (albeit unwanted) touch to your lower back or waist can almost seem petty to call out.
But that's the crux of exactly why this is something we should discuss: women are constantly made to feel less than, by small acts, that amalgamate and wear us down. It's exhausting to feel like you're constantly fighting for respect, especially when your experiences are being routinely invalidated. We've absorbed the messaging that we're 'overreacting' or 'can't take a joke'. But we're not.
This is a statement that Sarah, 35, from London, agrees with whole-heartedly. "Every bar I've worked in, most male co-workers touch and even grab your waist with both hands to 'get past'," she explains. "I've often felt too awkward to address it and don't even like to admit it makes me feel uncomfortable. If I can move through the bar without touching anyone else... I believe they can too."
Beth, 23, from Newcastle feels that she wouldn't know how to address it either: "I get a busy train every day, and almost every day, a man 'squeezes' past me – they always touch my waist or grind up against me. I think because this is seen as so normal, it gives creepy men the green light to touch women non-consensually in public. I've never, ever seen a man do this to another man on the train. It just doesn't happen."
And Beth is right, this is something that almost exclusively happens to women, at the (literal) hands of (cis, straight) men. Which is how we all know it isn't an accident. As a woman, I wouldn't touch another woman or man like that, without their consent – and as Beth says, men don't do it to other men. From the club to the supermarket, it seems women simply cannot escape unwanted touching by men. It is not innocent, and it is an act of misogyny. One that plays into our wider culture of male violence against women, that has been referred to by some of late as an 'epidemic'.
The Crime Survey for England and Wales estimated that 1.1 million adults aged 16 years and over experienced sexual assault in the year ending March 2022 (798,000 women and 275,000 men). Unwanted sexual touching was more common than any other type of sexual assault, with 13% of adults aged 16 years and over experiencing it since their teenage years, which is equivalent to an estimated 6.2 million victims. In 2022, an investigation by UN Women UK found that 97% of women aged 18 to 24 have been sexually harassed, with a further 96% not reporting those situations because of the belief that it would not change anything.
There is, of course, a wide range of behaviours that fall under the umbrella of sexual harassment, from unnecessary and wholly unwanted acts, such as leering and standing too close to someone, to street-based harassment (like cat calling), physical contact and sexual assault. But while those seemingly 'smaller' acts of sexual harassment might be dismissed by some as 'not as traumatic' as the more obviously extreme behaviours, they can still be – and often are – extremely distressing and scary.
Nobody should have to tolerate unsolicited physical contact by a stranger, and its prevalence speaks to a wider cultural acceptance of women as objects of male sexual desire. It feeds in to the sense of entitlement that men have when it comes to taking up more space in society, regardless of the women around them. Pushing us to one side, like delicate baby birds, acting as if we have no say in the matter.
There is an epidemic of sexual harassment, where women are predominantly the victims, and little is being done about it. Society needs to shift, it needs to evolve – women deserve to exist without being bothered. We deserve safety and autonomy over our bodies. We deserve to not face unwanted touching, every time we get on a bus or go out to a bar.
So, men. I repeat: you do not need to touch my waist to get through a busy space. Use your words! Like you would if a man was in your way! Or, at the very least, tap me on the shoulder. Let's leave the creepy, sexualised, waist-touching at the door, yeah? Oh, and please do pass the message on to your friends.
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