What Is ‘Retroactive Jealousy’—And How Do I Stop It From Ruining My Relationship?

Jenna Ryu

January 10, 2025 at 12:44 p.m.·7 min read

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If you’ve ever found yourself hung up on your partner’s exes, you’re not alone—or completely out of line. This preoccupation with their past, known as retroactive jealousy, is human, not to mention pretty common, Kimberley Quinlan, LMFT, Los Angeles–based therapist and author of The Self-Compassion Workbook for OCD, tells SELF. It can look like refreshing your SO’s high school sweetheart’s social media a little too often, ruminating on the traits they have that you don’t, or even spiraling into self-doubt when they come up in conversation.

“In the early stages of even a healthy relationship, it’s normal to be curious or anxious about someone’s romantic or sexual past,” Quinlan explains. At its core, “retroactive jealousy usually comes from a need for validation that you’re safe and good enough for the person you’re with.” And speaking from my own six-year relationship, I’ll admit that hearing “my ex and I…”—or any other reminder that he had a love life before me—can still trigger insecurities. (Does he think about her? Wow, she seems way more successful than me based on her LinkedIn.)

That said, how you manage and express those fears matters a lot. If your doubts evolve into unhealthy behaviors (like pressuring your SO to avoid places they went with their ex, say) or become so frequent that they’re basically compulsions ruining your day—and relationship—it’s probably time to address that retroactive jealousy, Quinlan says.

Of course, it takes a lot of inner work and practice to stop comparing and ruminating on your partner’s past. But if you’re truly looking to let go of the former flings and situationships living in your head rent-free, these expert tips should be a great place to start reclaiming your peace and appreciating the current relationship you’ve got right in front of you.

How to deal with retroactive jealousy

1. Ask yourself where these thoughts are coming from.

“Chances are, these feelings are less about your partner’s past and more about your own fears or insecurities,” Imani Reynolds, LMFT, sexologist and therapist at Modern Intimacy in Sacramento, California, tells SELF. For instance, maybe your previous partner left you for an old fling, and now any mention of a previous relationship feels like a red flag. Or their ex, who’s got the perfect mix of confidence and charisma, has you second-guessing your own worth in a one-sided competition. It could also be the case that your SO has been unfaithful in the past, and now you can’t help but read into every little interaction with their former romantic partners.

While a mental health professional can help you dig deep into your particular root causes of retroactive jealousy, Reynolds says that just taking a few minutes to reflect on where these trust issues are coming from (instead of reacting impulsively) is a solid first step to stop jealous thoughts from snowballing into an obsessiveness that could hurt your connection—and peace of mind.

2. Fact-check the story your jealousy is telling you.

Jealousy has a way of turning small details into full-blown conspiracies. Suddenly your partner still following their ex on Instagram is undeniable proof they’re not over them. Or maybe they don’t talk much about their most recent relationship, which must mean they’re hiding something, right?

When you get jealous, “your mind tends to fill in the gaps with worst-case scenarios and assumptions that aren’t always grounded in facts,” Quinlan explains—which is why she recommends challenging this narrative with logic. So before assuming the worst of your partner and throwing out accusations, stop and ask yourself: What other evidence do I actually have that they’re still stuck on their ex? Chances are, you’ll have an easier time building a case for how much they care about you—maybe they supported you during a tough career transition or sent a thoughtful message this morning—which can put those doubts to rest, Quinlan says.

Another way to put things into a more rational perspective? Flip the script. Do I follow any old flings on social media, and does that mean anything romantically? (Probably not!) Over time, Reynolds says, a regular fact-checking habit can help remind you that your jealous thoughts aren’t always accurate or practical.

3. Be intentional about prying into their romantic history.

Rehashing old relationships together can be useful—it’s an opportunity to reflect on what you learned from those past experiences and what you want more (or less) of moving forward. That said, knowing every little detail about their wild sex life, say, or dissecting every fight they’ve had probably won’t do you any favors.

Before you start asking nosy questions, Reynolds says it’s worth checking with yourself first: What’s the point of knowing this right now? For instance, will learning how many times a week they hooked up actually improve your bedroom life? Will it help you understand and support your partner better? Or will their response just inspire a new image you’re better off not having in your mind?

Instead, she recommends reframing your curiosity into more open-ended questions that’ll keep the conversation productive and comfortable for everyone involved. So swap “What did your ex do that pissed you off the most???” with something like “Did your last relationship teach you anything about resolving conflicts or handling arguments in general?” (See how that tweak focuses on growth rather than comparisons—and sounds a whole lot better?)

4. Embrace what’s right in front of you.

One of the best ways to keep your partner’s past relationships from overshadowing your happiness, according to both experts, is to shift your focus to the amazing connection you have in the present. “Remember, the past is in the past for a reason,” Quinlan says. “And it’s important to recognize that they’re choosing to be here with you now.”

You can stay grounded in your current situation by practicing gratitude for what (or who) you have today, she says—perhaps by making a list in your notes app of what makes your bond special and referencing it whenever your retroactive jealousy creeps in. Or actively strengthen your connection by creating new memories together: Plan a weekend getaway in a city you’ve both been dying to explore, say, or turn occasional date nights into a weekly tradition. The more you pour into your love life, the less you’ll feel the need to measure it against their past.

5. Talk through your jealous thoughts together.

Opening up about your feelings doesn't have to turn into a heated confrontation or a dramatic confession about your low self-esteem. It’s more about facing challenges (in this case, retroactive jealousy) as a team, rather than letting it create distance between you.

The key to having a productive conversation, according to both experts, is maintaining respectful yet open communication—which you can do by keeping the focus on your feelings. No blaming, accusing, or attacking. Quinlan and Reynolds recommend sticking with reliable “I” statements. Think: “I know it may sound silly, but I feel a little hurt that you’ve never gotten me flowers, especially since you mentioned doing that a lot with your last partner” versus “Why don’t you ever get me roses? Did you love them more?”

It can also help to express what you want more (or less) of from your significant other, Quinlan says. If you’re seeking reassurance that it’s all in your head, you can start with something like, “I’ve been paranoid lately, and it’d help to hear that you’re as committed to this relationship as I am.” Or if there’s a specific trigger for your jealousy (like how often their ex’s “unbelievably amazing” cooking is brought up in conversation), try a compassionate but nonaccusatory approach like, “I’d really appreciate it if you talked less about your last girlfriend. It makes me a bit uncomfortable. How do you feel about that?”

While clear, honest talks are definitely helpful for easing your worries, it’s important to recognize that it’s not your current partner’s job to constantly validate you or boost your confidence. “Remember that the real work in overcoming retroactive jealousy is ultimately yours to do,” Reynolds says—and luckily, you now have a bunch of tools to start tackling that green-eyed monster head-on.

Originally Appeared on Self

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