How to Save Your Sex Life From the Stress of Infertility, According to a Relationship Therapist

As a sex therapist and relationship expert turned neuroscientist, I see couples at the most challenging times in their relationships. One of the most stressful? Infertility.

Fertility challenges impact roughly one in eight couples so it’s a fairly common occurrence in my practice. (Rather than call it “infertility,” I prefer to say “fertility challenges”—when we frame something as a challenge, we can envision opportunities for growth and active coping, rather than getting mired down by the “problem.”) And it’s world-rocking. There’s frustration, shame, anger, guilt, sadness, grief, blame, and a distressing sense of loss of control when you’re not able to do what appears to come so naturally for others.

The whole thing can take a hell of a toll on your relationship—and your sex life. First, there’s sorting out the diagnosis, then there’s making decisions about the course of treatment, coupled with the financial strain of funding it all, and the physical and emotional side-effects of things like hormone treatments. Compounding this, after extended periods of trying to conceive, lovemaking goes from sizzling sex to a mandated baby-making exercise in feared futility. It’s a doozy.

So what’s the good news? First, there have been ground-breaking advances in the field of reproductive medicine. Assisted reproductive technologies such as intrauterine insemination and in vitro fertilization are available to patients for whom the less invasive methods are not successful. At the same time, fertility treatments are becoming more affordable as companies and insurance carriers begin to offer fertility benefits.

But the best news of all is that fertility challenges don’t have to destroy your sex life—they can actually help strengthen it. How? A study of couples facing fertility challenges demonstrated that when couples embrace sharing the hardship, they can end up feeling closer to each other. They can also develop enhanced ways to communicate and support one another. And a big added bonus: They can develop more confidence in their ability to cope with adversity together.

One thing we can count on in life is there will be plenty of opportunities for us to have to manage stress, adversity, and trauma. But with the right tools, we can always handle it.

Don’t stress about stress.

Stress definitely does impact our overall well-being, but it can only exacerbate an underlying issue. Dealing with fertility challenges is stressful enough without worrying that our stress is causing our fertility issues. Not helpful. We need to learn that not all stress is bad for us. Stress can propel us into active coping. We can transform distress into the useful kind of stress (called eustress) that empowers us to seek solutions.

Practice radical acceptance.

Accepting what’s happening in the moment—including our stress—is key to self-soothing. Acceptance does not equal resignation but can actually empower us to address the aspects of a situation that we can influence, accept what is out of our control, and have the presence of mind to make the distinction between the two. Grounding in this kind of radical acceptance lets us loosen and soften our attitudes and perceptions enough to let go of holding things so tightly that we can’t find a place to rest between our thoughts, fears, and worries.

Here’s how you can approach fertility challenges from this perspective: Acknowledge that you’re dealing with a tough situation and feeling all sorts of emotions. Then take a long, smooth inhalation, followed by a longer smooth exhalation (to calm the nervous system) and say to yourself, “I have all of the inner tools and resources to get all of the information and assistance I need to cope with the fertility challenges we’re facing.”

Learn how to communicate.

Communication is not just about sharing information. It’s about connection. We can learn to create the kind of communication that empowers lifelong dynamic partnership—what I call sexual potential—or the ability to continuously unfold our joyful juicy erotic connections.

This hinges on two main skills. One is the ability to tolerate feelings, including big joy and deep sorrow. But we also need to effectively communicate with our partners in a way that goes beyond regular conversation (which typically involves listening just to make a point, change someone’s mind, or convince your partner that your opinion is the right one). We need to transform our communication style into a true sharing and listening experience that brings about connection and communion.

How to apply this to fertility challenges? Set up a “session” or special time with your partner to take turns listening to each other’s deepest fears and upsets in facing the fertility issue. Make sure to make room for feelings without trying to fix them. If you’re sad, let yourself cry. If you’re frustrated, let yourself rant. Feeling the upsets all the way through helps feelings peak and release.

Practice healthy hedonism.

We need to commit to cultivating tools for finding healthy hedonism—pleasure that feels good and is good for you—during stressful times. It’s easy to find fun when life is going more or less according to plan. But what happens when you get thrown a curveball like fertility challenges?

In a stressful situation like this, it’s more important than ever to focus on pleasure and play. For starters? Identify what you love to do and ask your partner likewise. It’s not all about sex—healthy pleasures can include things that tend to get a bad rap, like eating chocolate, basking in a bit of sunlight, or having wine with dinner. Dedicate two dates each week to indulging these desires, taking turns making each other’s days more delicious. Savoring simple pleasures enhances well-being. So go for it.

For more tips and tools for stress management, enhanced communication, and healthy hedonism, visit my blog.

Nan Wise, Ph.D., is AASECT-certified sex therapist, neuroscientist, certified relationship expert, and author of Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-Filled Life. Follow her @AskDoctorNan.

Originally Appeared on Glamour