If Your Sexual Interest Drops As Your Relationship Progresses, You Might Be Fraysexual
So, you started sleeping with someone a few months ago, and it seems like things are getting a little more intense. Maybe you're developing ~feelings~ for them, and in turn, it's kinda... turning you off? If you feel like this is a pattern for you, know that you're not alone, and no, you might not just have some intimacy hang-ups. There’s actually a term for someone who only ever experiences sexual attraction before an emotional connection—and it’s part of being on the asexual spectrum.
The label for this type of sexuality is called fraysexuality, belonging to those who only experience sexual attraction when they're emotionally connected to their partner. If you’re familiar with demisexuality (a.k.a., the concept of only feeling sexual attraction when there's an emotional bond), fraysexuality is basically the opposite of that.
I can imagine you have some questions right now. Am I fraysexual? When would I lose sexual attraction to that person I’ve been sleeping with? What does it mean to be dating or sleeping with someone who's fraysexual? Will I ever be in a successful long-term relationship?It's not the easiest concept to grasp, but don’t worry: the experts have some answers.
Meet the Experts:
Rachel Klechevsky, LMSW is a sex and Relationship therapist and educator based in New York.
Tarynn Dier, LMSW is a psychotherapist, coach, and consultant specializing in alternative lifestyles and sexualities based in New York.
Ahead, learn all about what it means to be fraysexual—and how that impacts your relationships and sex life. (Spoiler alert: Everything will be okay!)
What is fraysexuality?
In a nutshell, fraysexuality is when someone experiences sexual attraction towards someone as long as they don’t have an emotional bond to them. “Fraysexuality is the experience of sexual attraction to people who are less familiar—where the relationship doesn't reach a point of emotional comfort,” says Rachel Klechevsky, LMSW, a sex and relationship therapist and educator based in New York. However, fraysexual people can still feel romantic attraction if they feel an emotional bond. And BTW, frayromantic people are just the opposite—they lose romantic feelings or struggle to fall deeply in love if the relationship becomes too familiar, but it doesn’t affect their sexual attraction, she adds.
That said, fraysexuality can look different depending on one’s own experiences and perspective. “[For] some, fraysexuality has to do with preferred duration of intimate relationships,” says Tarynn Dier, LMSW, a psychotherapist, coach, and consultant specializing in alternative lifestyles and sexualities based in New York. “For others, it has to do with the waxing and waning trajectory of emotional and/or physical intimacy in relationships.”
And it doesn’t discriminate between any one sexual orientation or gender identity—no matter who you're attracted to, you can identify as fraysexual. It can also play out in monogamous or non-monogamous relationships, Dier adds.
How do I know if I’m fraysexual?
First of all, being human is inherently a fluid journey—it's normal to find your gender identity, sexual orientation, or sexual attraction changing over time. Our thoughts and experiences are always evolving, so it makes sense that our relationship to attraction can change over time, Klechevsky says.
“A fraysexual person might notice that once their relationships become more intimate or integrated, they lose sexual attraction to their partners,” she says. “Again, this does not mean that they don't love their partners or want a future with them—it just means that they are no longer sexually attracted to them.”
If you’re fraysexual, you also might find yourself feeling strong sexual attraction towards new people. “Fraysexual people in long-term relationships will wonder if they are asexual once the relationship evolves, and then they find themselves sexually attracted to a person they just met,” she adds.
But it’s imperative to note that fraysexuality isn’t correlated with someone’s approach to commitment, Klechevsky says: “Fraysexuals can have long-term relationships, with very real commitments.”
Where does fraysexuality fall on the ace spectrum?
First, let's talk about the larger spectrum of sexual attraction. It's important to note that all 'spectrums' are inherently binary and can't account for every experience, Klechevsky says. But generally, asexuality (or a lack of sexual attraction) is on one end of the larger spectrum, while allosexuality (defined as traditional or regular or semi-regular sexual attraction) is on the other. Meanwhile, graysexuality lies in the middle: someone who identifies this way may have an ever-shifting level of sexual attraction.
When it comes to the ace spectrum, the range of sexual attraction is a little different—it lies between asexuality and graysexuality, Dier says. It “describes the range of different ways asexual people may or may not experience sexual attraction or desire,” she adds.
“The ace spectrum actually has at least two layers to it—referring to sexual attraction and referring to romantic attraction,” Klechevsky says. “For some folks, their sexual and romantic attractions are aligned, and for some, they are not aligned at all.”
On the ace spectrum itself, you’ll find the following:
Demisexual/Demiromantic: people who only experience sexual/romantic attraction when they are emotionally bonded to someone.
Graysexual/Grayromantic: people who experience infrequent sexual/romantic attraction to others.
Queerplatonic: people who are able to form deep bonds that aren’t necessarily romantic or sexual, but are deeper than friendships.
Fraysexual/Frayromantic: people who only experience sexual/romantic attraction when whey don't feel emotionally bonded to someone.
If I’m fraysexual, can I still have a serious partner or partners?
For sure! A fraysexual person can have both serious monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. “This is where one's self awareness and communication skills are incredibly important,” Klechevsky says. “A fraysexual person needs to be able to communicate to their partner(s) about their sexual attraction and what that means for their relationship.”
Klechevsky says that it might sound practical for a fraysexual person to be with an asexual person, except that the fraysexual partner might want sex in the beginning. But polyamory might make sense in some cases, too. She doesn’t necessarily encourage engaging in a throuple, though, unless two parts of the throuple are allosexual or demisexual and one is fraysexual. The bottom line, really, is that it all depends on your situation and experiences, and communicating with your partner is a must. And because intimacy and sex aren't one and the same, it's totally possible to have a healthy, loving relationship without any sexual attraction.
“Typical discussion of romantic relationships conflate sex, romanticism, and love,” says Klechevsky. “One can love deeply and feel romantic toward another person for decades without wanting sex with someone.” In the same way, it's possible to have an amazing sex life without wanting a romantic relationship.
If my partner is fraysexual, what does that mean for my sex life?
First, think about the differences between sex, intimacy, and sensuality here, says Klechevsky. “Sex is an activity that is usually (but not always) an expression of physical desire,” she says. “Intimacy is the emotional bond one has with another. Sensuality is the relationship one has with themselves, their bodies, and touch/affection.”
If your partner is fraysexual, discuss what might work for them and navigate the conversation with mutual respect and care. “It isn't one person's responsibility to fulfill someone else's needs, but it is each individual's imperative to communicate their needs/wants and work together to figure out what is possible for each one and how to evolve the dynamic to meet those needs,” she says
You might still be able to have sex, too. The fraysexual partner might just prefer less of it, or prefer to express sensuality and intimacy through cuddling, kissing, and touching.
What’s the difference between being fraysexual and having sex and intimacy issues?
Make no mistake—there’s a huuuge difference here. “Intimacy is an emotional connection that one has with themselves and with another,” Klechevsky says, explaining that they have to be willing to share that with another person. “Fraysexual people aren't deterred by intimacy—they just don't want sex once they have intimacy.”
Is fraysexuality fluid?
Yep! “All of our identities are fluid if we are open and honest with ourselves,” Klechevsky says. So, remember that it’s always okay to change your mind if you feel as though a label isn’t a true representation of yourself anymore.
Having labels such as fraysexuality can help you feel less alone and also communicate your own desires to yourself and others. “Labels are wonderful in that it allows people to communicate their experiences without getting exhausted,” Klechevsky adds. “If there is a label for something, that means that there are other people who are experiencing similar things.”
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