She’s ready to give the Paris Games a sporting chance, now that she’s on ‘Team Gravy’

As a general rule, I don’t like to watch the Olympics because it gives me anxiety. The thought that these young people have worked so hard and sacrificed most of their lives to win a gold medal makes it almost impossible for me to enjoy the competition.

I’m not some “Merry Sunshine” who wants a gold medal for everyone, though honestly, I would be OK with that. If everyone could have their own PBR (personal best record) at the Olympics, that would be fantastic. I’d embrace the whole “you’re all winners” scenario.

Now even with the Olympics giving me a case of the vapors I’m still a huge fan and I have a Team USA T-shirt from Old Navy to prove it. For years I just wished that I could actually enjoy watching it.

Well, that wish has been granted because I have found a loophole that will allow me to watch the Olympics without having gold medal level anxiety.

This loophole appeared to me as I was scrolling through the Team USA website and noticed a lot of athletes who weren’t Olympic newbies.

For example, Katie Ledecky (huge fan) currently the best female swimmer in the world, is on her fourth Olympics. And Simone Biles (number one fan) is on her third.

So, what all this means to my brain is that if the athlete has competed before and medalled, then I can relax, enjoying some cheese and crackers or maybe a blue cheese pear dip while exuberantly cheering. Because I know that since the athlete has already achieved Olympic glory, the Paris Olympics are now “gravy.”

Which means I guess I’m cheering for gravy or maybe I’m on Team Gravy. I don’t know.

That said, if gravy (as in that luscious concoction served at Thanksgiving or as the star of any offering of chicken fried steak or biscuits) had a team, I would enthusiastically want to be on it. Maybe even as the mascot.

Just workshopping here, I would envision the mascot as a biscuit with a dollop of gravy. Think about it. A biscuit just seems more friendly than sliced turkey and much more animated than mashed potatoes.

To try out my “Team Gravy” hypothesis before the Olympics, I went and watched clips from several U.S. Olympic team trials. Now I know some of you are thinking the data would be flawed because I already knew who qualified for the Olympics.

Two things. Yes, you’re right but even knowing that Simone Biles made the team before my “Team Gravy” epiphany, I still would have been a little overwrought. As in, too nervous to enjoy blue cheese pear dip.

But I’m pleased to report that thanks to Team Gravy, I was able to enjoy watching Simone in the trials. Even when the announcer said she was “off balanced” for a split second on the uneven bars, I was able to maintain a feeling of calm.

Now I’m beyond psyched to enjoy the Olympics with a wild abandon. It’s been years since I’ve plopped on a coach and watched the Olympics without a feeling of dread or closing my eyes through every race, floor routine, hurdles, game and medley relay.

I feel like this could be my moment to become an Olympic super fan. In fact, I’m sure of it. Which means I’m going to need more Team USA swag and blue cheese pear dip.

Reach Sherry Kuehl at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com, on Facebook at Snarky in the Suburbs, on Twitter at @snarkynsuburbs on Instagram @snarky.in.the.suburbs, and snarkyinthesuburbs.com.