My sister is a nightmare at Christmas. Do we spend it together?
Every year, I dread Christmas. My sister has no children or partner, is independent and retired; I have a husband and a teenage son. Our parents are dead. I don’t like my sister: she is a feminist, political, clumsy, loud and overbearing.
She has said that we are welcome to stay with her for Christmas (she lives abroad, but not too far), but I can’t do that; there’s nothing for my son at her house, and I can’t afford a hotel and three flights. She said she could come to us, but told us not to worry if we are busy. I feel pressured to reply.
When she’s here, I have to cook for her; she’s useless at helping and wouldn’t think to offer to make a cup of tea. She stays in a B&B and we pick her up and bring her to our house. The thought of her coming stresses me out so much. I try to have kind thoughts, but the reality is awful. When she has gone, it takes me a couple of weeks to get over it.
She is a gracious hostess and makes everyone welcome, but I am not like that. I feel angry that she’s stipulated the days when she can come. I want to see other family and friends and, some days, not get dressed.
I’m so angry. I’m not a lover of Christmas, and this makes it worse. (Although I’m not happy about her coming any time.) How can I stop these feelings? I’m not proud of them but, similarly, it’s my holiday, my time off work and I want to relax.
You can’t stop these feelings, and neither should you, but it might help you to try to work out what their root really is. As with all issues with siblings, I bet this goes way back.
It’s perfectly reasonable for your sister to text you wanting to know if you want to visit, or if she can visit you; and it’s perfectly reasonable for you not to want to visit her, or have her visit you. What’s causing your angst is understanding what you actually want, and finding peace with that decision. What’s stopping you finding peace is guilt.
First: what do you want to do? If you want to spend Christmas just the three of you, in your pyjamas, then what’s stopping you doing that? As you say, it’s your holiday, your time off. I know Christmas is important, but it also seems to make a lot of people unhappy as they are forced into doing things they don’t want to, with people they don’t like. There are more than 300 other days of the year when you can do that.
You have the option of texting her back and saying, “Sorry, this year we are staying home, neither entertaining nor travelling” (the line in italics is my catchphrase, and it sets clear parameters). How she takes that information may surprise you, and maybe even disappoint you. But that’s her responsibility, not yours.
You mention in your longer letter that when your sister is at your house, you can’t invite other people over because that’s not what she does at hers. But, it’s your house and your rules. Sometimes, inviting others can provide a bridge between how we are in the outside world and how we are with family, and make things more bearable. That’s another option if, or when, you do invite her.
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Then there’s the guilt: how she’s chosen to live her life is entirely her choice, and you aren’t responsible for that, either. But you are captain of your own ship. I have to say your sister sounds really independent and pretty sorted (despite the clumsiness); maybe she feels sorry for you and is trying to make Christmas nicer for you? Maybe in picking the days she is being decisive rather than controlling. As for not helping when she visits, given that she is such a good hostess, she may expect the same when she goes to see others.
Be kind, to her and to yourself. You don’t like her and that’s OK. Lots of people don’t like their family. But be sure that you know what you want to do – and do it. There’s no point being inhospitable and then also being at home miserable and guilty.
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