25 Stay-At-Home Moms Are Sharing Why No One Should Compare Them To "Tradwives," And It'll Change The Way You See Things

The "tradwife" lifestyle has been going viral all over social thanks to influencers like Nara Smith and Estee Williams. As a result, many have compared the trend to stay-at-home parenthood, which has led to heated discussions and debates.

So, we recently asked stay-at-home moms in the BuzzFeed Community to share how and why it's different than being a "tradwife." Here are their stories:

1."The difference is all in the name. Tradwife emphasizes wife while stay-at-home mother emphasizes mother. One is about the husband, and one is about the children. I was a WFH/SAHM for nearly 10 years when my kids were young. Yes, daycare was expensive and not what my husband and I wanted. But I ran my own résumé business and was home with the kids, and I am so glad I was. It was a messy, happy, skimpy time, and my children are now adults with good heads on their shoulders and are genuinely nice people. But it wasn't about my husband. Yes, he worked hard and was out of the house 'bringing home the bacon' but he knew our priority was the children and their well-being, not his."

2."Tradwife = 'perfect life'; while a SAHM is selfless, underpaid, and unappreciated."

—Anonymous from California

3."I've been a SAHM for over three years, but I'm far from being a tradwife. My job is to take care of my family, not maintain an image. I wear practical clothes for a day spent bending over, kneeling, going to playgrounds, and all the stuff I have to do to keep the little person in my care alive and happy. That means ponytails, t-shirts, and sweatpants a lot of the time — not 50s-style dresses. Between being an SAHM and my part-time job on weekends, I don't have the time or interest to follow any tradwife influencers. That lifestyle seems shallow and unrealistic. My husband also isn't wild about me wearing heavy makeup and prefers my face without it. Why should I try to look a certain way or rehearse submissiveness when no one is asking me to in the first place?"

4."Being a SAHM isn't about putting on a persona like 'tradwives' for the perfect Instagram post. It is vulnerable and authentic to stay home keeping little humans alive and healthy all day. I had a pretty decent career before having the opportunity to be a SAHM, and I can honestly say there is nothing more meaningful or breathtaking than being your kid's whole universe. It's not about the traditional roles of being a woman, it's about the magic of discovering the world with a person you made and nurturing them into a healthy and compassionate adult who will one day go out and choose their adventure."

—maskedturtle79

5."I stay at home, homeschool, as well as work a remote job part-time. From what I've seen, the tradwife movement seems to focus on the look — perfect makeup, hair, clothes, picturesque tidy homes, and meals that take all day to prepare. Simply put, with three young kiddos there just isn't time for picture-perfect. If I were to strive for the look of a tradwife, I would have to sacrifice time with my kids. I don't wear makeup most days and my hair is in a messy ponytail. Our house is a wreck by the end of the day and I don't look much better, but I've spent the day with my babies teaching, reading, and playing. That's so much more important and meaningful than any superficial look could ever be. I wish real SAHM life would find the viral spark the tradwife movement has. It's not glamorous but it is beautiful."

6."I'm a SAHM because someone needs to take care of our son who is disabled and needs 24/7 care. I do it instead of my husband because I have medical training and am the most organized. I also still work outside the home a couple of days when the kids are at school or my husband can stay home with them. My husband goes to work full-time, and when he comes home, he does the dishes and helps put the kids to bed. Ours is a partnership. If there are some days we have cereal for dinner or the laundry doesn't get folded, he just rolls with it. Tradwives seem to be some sort of unattainable male idea of what a wife and mother should be that some women have bought into. Thankfully, my husband has none of those expectations. He knows that I am the leader of the household and wants to contribute to our family more than just financially. Don't call me a tradwife, I'll come for you."

—Heather from Colorado

7."I'm a mom who is working from home. I still keep up with my profession and participate in events with my colleagues. My spouse and I split the chores, too. Before our son came along, HE was the househusband! Now we're navigating a shared home office in an apartment that's becoming a playroom."

8."The biggest key difference is trying my best to be there for my family, one day at a time, as my authentic self, as opposed to holding someone else's life or some vague ideal as the bar to meet."

—Michelle from Louisiana

9."I've spent the last four years working from home part-time while also being an SAHM. I started doing it because daycare is so expensive that it didn’t make sense for me to work outside the home. I see multiple differences between myself and tradwives. My husband and I are in a partnership. The money is both of ours, and big decisions aren't just made by one of us. He is very hands-on in caring for our daughter when he's not at work. He has no expectations about what the house should look like or the type of meals that should be prepared. I have my hobbies outside of the home that I'm encouraged to participate in, and I have something concrete to put on a résumé if needed since I've worked the whole time I've been with my daughter."

10."I'm in charge of the house and kids while he's at work. Once he's home, everything is 50/50. We are an equal partnership. I don't work for him or submit to him. It just made more sense for me to be responsible for the kids. We can do better financially if he works full-time rather than us both working part-time."

—Abi from the United Kingdom

11."It's ideology. Tradwives believe this is the way relationships should be and that women belong in the home. An SAHM is just a mom whose job is to take care of the kids/home."

12."I think the biggest difference is that the choice to be an SAHM was, for me, child-focused. Quite simply, we were privileged enough that my husband's income supported us and I didn't think my children could get better care from anyone else. It was truly what felt like the best choice for the kids. My husband is not my child and I don't treat him as such. My role is not to serve him. We are partners as parents and as household managers. I just handle more day-to-day tasks as the one who is home with the kids."

—Carly from Utah

13."I'm an SAHM because daycare for two kids would pretty much eat up my whole paycheck. And honestly, when I had my first baby during the pandemic I just couldn't bear the thought of dropping her off at daycare to go be with other people's kids. I was a teacher. My husband works, and I stay home, but if the salaries had been reversed, he would gladly have become the stay-at-home parent. When he is off the clock, he takes on a full share of household and parenting duties. I feel like a lot of tradwife stuff is either religious or aesthetic. I am neither, unless messy and chronically late is an aesthetic. I don't make my own bread, I don't homeschool, and I live in stained leggings. Nothing against the people who do the tradwife thing, it's just not us. I fully intend on returning to work once my youngest is in kindergarten."

14."With the prevalence of autism in children soaring, it's important moms like me not be overlooked. About half of my special needs mom friends work, but it is a huge struggle to balance healthcare and therapy for your child. I chose to give up my career to be the single person providing all that to my special needs children. There are days I don't feel like a mom but a full-time caregiver. No matter how aesthetic tradwives try to make their lives for social media, it will never compare to the insanely difficult job special needs parents are doing every day. I'm not making baked goods from scratch for views. I'm doing it to make something allergy-safe for my kids to eat."

—Candice

15."My partner and I have been together for 13 years. We are not married. I stay at home with our three kids and he works. I am not a tradwife. We are simply trying to survive. My partner and I tried the academic route when our oldest was a toddler, but the only thing we got out of college was debt. When we had our second, my partner was working two jobs so that I could stay home postpartum. Then, the pandemic happened. I would just be paying someone all of my income to take care of my kids now. Instead, my partner works six days a week and I take care of household management. There are definitely things within my household management that would align with being a tradwife."

16."When my husband is at work, he's working. When I'm home with the kid, I'm working. When my husband comes home, we're both working. There's no hierarchy in who does what job. We both do what needs to be done."

—Sara from Washington

17."Being a tradwife implies an imbalanced power dynamic between husband and wife; the husband is in charge and the wife complies. While the daily tasks of a tradwife and SAHM may be similar (childcare, cleaning, cooking) and both categories of women often enter into their roles by choice, SAHMs are typically equal decision-makers with their husbands."

18."As a SAHM I do a lot of the cleaning and cooking. I however love to cook and find it very grounding. As far as the cleaning goes, why wouldn't I do it if I'm home? The way we see it is when he's at work, I'm at work caring for our two kids and keeping the house from being a complete disaster. When he is home everything is equally our problem. He immediately jumps into the childcare and cleaning duties."

—Shelby from Minnesota

19."I was an SAHM because I kind of fell into it. I was laid off in March and became pregnant in October. No one in my area would hire me so I just stayed home. I was not at all prepared, but we kind of figured it out as we went along. I went back to work when my youngest was entering middle school. I didn't love the job of being an SAHM, but the benefit of being able to be with my kids was awesome."

20."SAHM here. 99% of my day is spent taking care of my kids. My grown-ass husband is capable of taking care of himself."

—KC from Florida

21."The goal of a tradwife is to provide a space of comfort for the money-earning spouse to unwind and destress. Because chores and kids can be stressful, a tradwife is expected to shield the money-earning spouse from the realities of the household labor even in conversation. This can lead to a less open, genuine relationship, but it can also provide a structure that some find comforting. Being an SAHM is more like a 9-to-5 job. The money-earning spouse can be leaned on for help when they're home. It is often expected that domestic chores can be shared and an SAHM can have a day off, just like a vacation day from work. This often makes the labor input more obvious. In short, a tradwife seems so glamorous because one of the main goals of being a tradwife is to hide just how much effort it takes."

22."SAHM for seven years now. I became an SAHM for two reasons: so I could figure out what I wanted career-wise while saving money since the salary at my old job would have completely gone to daycare. I also really like being home with my kids and enjoying this time while they're still little. But unlike tradwives, I don't do all the cooking or cleaning because my husband LOVES to cook. He asked me if he could still be the one to make dinner when I became a SAHM. We also want to demonstrate that both men and women clean and cook in the households and are both responsible for it. My husband grew up with the mentality of 'you shouldn't expect someone to do everything for you' and we both believe that teaching independence is an important skill to have."

—Anonymous from New Hampshire

23."I'm an SAHM who doesn't have anything to prove to the outside world. On paper, I behave like a tradwife, but my choices are rooted in love for my family, and I relish what feels like the true freedom of not holding myself to any outside principle. Anyone who calls themselves a tradwife is living up to a never-did-exist standard to prove to people they don't know that they're doing something the 'right' way."

24."Unlike a tradwife who is making bread from scratch for the glory or to hold up a certain elegance, SAHMs are doing the messy stuff. Cleaning in their pajamas and cooking quick practical healthy meals for growing bodies, all while enjoying the mess and knowing that perfection is not something to aspire to be. Love and the feeling of home are what matter to SAHMs."

—Anonymous from California

25.And finally, "I was an SAHM for about two years. To my mind, the difference between SAHMs and 'tradwives' is where the woman's focus is meant to be. For SAHMs, my experience was that the focus was on your kid(s), whether out of a desire to bond with them in the baby years or an economic component that just makes it more sensible to be home. For me, it was a mix of both. My husband and I were both lucky to have had periods growing up where a parent got to be home with us full-time. We wanted that for our son. Plus, daycare would have cost more than I made at my low-level university job. From what I've seen for 'tradwives,' it seems the focus is more on the husband."

What are your thoughts on the tradwife trend? Share your thoughts in the comments!

Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.