A Woman Went Viral For Sharing "Hidden Clues" That Indicate You Grew Up With Emotionally Unavailable Parents
If you scroll on TikTok or Instagram, you've probably come across thousands of therapy-type videos that discuss how our relationship with our parents affects us as adults, for better or for worse.
These kinds of videos usually garner thousands of views. However, a recent video about what happens to someone when they grow up with emotionally unavailable parents hit above the two million mark.
Devon Caley, who is a master's-level therapist with a degree in clinical health psychology, begins the video by saying, "I grew up with emotionally unavailable parents. If I don't like the food that I order at a restaurant, I'm gonna imagine that you think that I'm really wasteful and ungrateful."
She adds, "I grew up with emotionally unavailable parents. I'm gonna continuously try to manage your mood and check in to see how you're doing because if you get upset, and I didn't foresee that, I'm gonna worry that none of my basic needs are going to be met."
In the clip, Devon further discusses the "symptoms" of growing up with emotionally unavailable parents: "I grew up with emotionally unavailable parents. If I didn't do something to earn your affection, I don't trust it. I grew up with emotionally unavailable parents. I'm going to completely socially isolate anytime I feel an uncomfortable emotion."
She continues, "I grew up with emotionally unavailable parents. I don't know how to ask for help. I grew up with emotionally unavailable parents. I've learned how to over-function and put on a really good mask that everything is okay, even when everything is spiraling and it feels like it's falling apart. I grew up with emotionally unavailable parents. I don't feel like anyone knows or sees the real me."
In the final section of the video, Devon said having emotionally unavailable parents can make people dissociate: "I grew up with emotionally unavailable parents. I dissociate a lot. Over-function. Over-function. I grew up with emotionally unavailable parents. I have mastered perfectionism so that you don't have to worry about any of my needs or me, just, really, at all. I grew up with emotionally unavailable parents. My dating history is *eye twitch.*"
Since this video resonated with so many people, Devon created a part-two video that discussed more behavioral traits of growing up with emotionally unavailable parents. "I grew up with emotionally unavailable parents. I'm going to continuously check to see if you're okay because I don't trust you to communicate directly with me," she began. "I grew up with emotionally unavailable parents. I'd much rather abandon or betray myself than leave that up to anyone else doing it. I grew up with emotionally unavailable parents. I feel guilt a lot because if I did something wrong, then I get to give myself the illusion of control."
"I grew up with emotionally unavailable parents. I have a really hard time setting boundaries, and then I just start resenting the people around me, and then I avoid everyone because I don't know how to tell people what I need," she says.
"I grew up with emotionally unavailable parents. I feel depressed a lot because it's a lot easier to be angry with myself than it is with other people. And we know that the anger we feel powerless to address defaults into sadness," she added. "I grew up with emotionally unavailable parents. I don't really know how to nurture myself or other people, and I understand that I can only meet other people as deeply as I'm willing to meet myself, and I don't really know who I am."
After Devon posted these two videos on her Instagram feed, the comments came flooding in. For instance, someone left a comment on the first video saying how it's comforting to know they're not alone in this experience:
Whereas another person believes that Devon secretly knows their parents:
Since both of these videos resonated with so many people, BuzzFeed reached out to Devon to learn more about emotionally unavailable parents, how people can begin to work on this particular parental wound, and what current parents can do if they want to avoid becoming emotionally unavailable to their kids.
According to Devon, "emotionally unavailable" parents or caregivers include a spectrum of parents who are disconnected from their own emotions, who struggle with their own emotional regulation, and who struggle to be present in an emotionally intimate way. They may also be referred to as "emotionally immature" parents.
"The spectrum ranges from parents who were absent or may have exhibited abusive and intentionally neglectful behaviors to 'good enough' parents who were well-meaning but struggled with their own emotional regulation or engagement," she explained.
For example, Devon said that a "good enough" parent may have been present in a child’s life and made sure all of their basic needs were met but may have had trouble addressing their child's individual emotional needs.
Devon added that these parenting behaviors can lead to long-standing patterns of emotional invalidation that a child can carry into adulthood. "This lack of emotional engagement and intimacy is called 'childhood emotional neglect' (CEN)," she said.
"CEN is often not intentional or malicious ... or about blaming parents (as many parents who may have been emotionally neglectful may still be overall good parents and good people).
"[However,] it's usually a product of parents who grew up in generations where mental health was not as prioritized as it is today. Because emotions were not always talked about, many generations, or parents, did not learn how to talk about them or feel them in healthy ways," she said.
This is why parents' and caregivers' lack of emotional literacy might unintentionally be passed on to their children. "Individuals who experienced childhood emotional neglect may have memories of their parents loving them but also blaming them for their own stress, being passive-aggressive, or continually forcing them to prioritize their parents' needs," she explained.
Devon notes that she personally experienced this as well, which is why she created the video in the first place. "I had always thought I had a pretty normal, idealistic childhood," she added. "So if I can help anyone shortcut the realization and have a conversation [with someone] that I have rarely heard throughout my own healing, I want to help facilitate that dialogue and hold space for that."
If you feel that the above videos resonate deeply with you, Devon has provided some tips to help you navigate these difficult experiences and feelings:
• "Read resources that can educate you on relationships as well as validate and help provide insight into your experience. Listen to stories of people who have done the work to have the types of relationships you desire," she explained. "You are far from alone, and this can help instill hope that there is a way forward in healing, even if it feels like the road is long or things are hopeless."
• "Learn boundary-setting and conflict-resolution skills. It can be scary to communicate your feelings and needs in a vulnerable way, but these are essential skills for having the life and relationships you want," she said.
• "Learn strategies to regulate your emotions and build distress tolerance. Many relational difficulties stem from efforts to avoid conflict and discomfort. If we can tolerate discomfort, we are much more likely to be able to remain present and openhearted in relationships," she explained.
• "Journal about your patterns within your relationships or try going to therapy. Sometimes, seeing it all written out or talking with someone who can see around our cognitive defenses can help us piece together important things and look at our relationships more critically," she said.
• "Learn who you are. If you know who you are and start to build a better trusting relationship with yourself, you will be less likely to abandon yourself to avoid being abandoned by others. Many times, it takes a big shake-up in our lives to come to terms with the idea that we don’t know who we are. We’ve lost so many bits and pieces of ourselves along the way to avoid rejection or abandonment," Devon said.
"When we reclaim those pieces and welcome them back home to ourselves, we can truly be our authentic selves, and we will be less likely to look to external resources for answers or validation," she said. "Completing a self-discovery journal or following self-discovery journaling prompts on Pinterest, as well as getting more comfortable spending time alone, can help facilitate this."
• "Build a better relationship with your anger. Anger is a part of you that loves you and shows you where your boundaries are being pushed up against or your values or identity is being called to question. Anger lets you know where you might not be treated well, and it can help you take the scope out to put accountability where it may be due instead of internalizing all problems as yours," she explained.
"This process of expression of anger and acceptance may vary based on several sociocultural factors — and understanding how not just your immediate family but also how the culture impacts both feeling your emotions and emotional expressions like anger is an important contextual part of the healing process."
• "Learn about your emotions. Spend time with them to be able to identify them and know what they feel like in your body. Emotions are like little alarms in your body that are trying to communicate a need to you," she said.
"The biggest 'life hack' I know is that [becoming familiar] with your emotions will make your life SO much easier because your body will literally tell you what you need at any given time. The more we ignore them, the more they will fight to get our attention in other ways," she explained.
• "Learn about your inner child. Try some reparenting work to build more self-compassion, and work on building trust with yourself," she said.
On the other hand, if you're a parent who may believe they have some emotionally unavailable qualities and want to work on it, Devon said to try holding space for your children's feelings rather than unintentionally dismissing or invalidating them by trying to get your children to change how they feel.
"It is uncomfortable to see someone we care about in an uncomfortable emotional experience; it makes us uncomfortable too," she said. "But sometimes, loving more is doing less and allowing someone to feel their full range of emotions with space and permission."
For instance, Devon said you can let your child know you'll love them just the same, regardless of how they feel. "Imagine for a second when you were a child, and you were anxious, mad, scared, or sad, that someone had simply sat down next to you and said, 'It's okay that you’re feeling that way; it makes sense. And I’ll be right here with you until you’re done feeling that way — and then we can figure out what to do about it together,'" she said.
According to Devon, we can only meet other people as deeply as we are willing to meet ourselves. "The more you learn to tolerate your own discomfort, the more you can tolerate someone else’s discomfort too," she explained. "Being able to identify, sit with, and constructively communicate your emotions will change both you and your relationships."
This is because when you begin to challenge your own relationship with discomfort, your children will begin to see how you handle your emotions, which can also inform how they can manage their emotions. "Children learn through observing," Devon explained.
Remember: It isn't about trying to be a perfect parent but, rather, learning and growing through the mistakes. "You are a human being, so no matter how much you know about emotions and regulating them, you’re going to show up imperfectly sometimes," she said. "I invite you to release the pressure to have the perfect words and the perfect gentle parenting interactions. Instead, just try communicating about what you’re feeling and why and see what changes."
At the end of the day, whether you're the parent who may be emotionally unavailable or the adult with emotionally unavailable parents, Devon encourages you not to compare your healing journey with anyone else's because everything makes sense in the context of your own experience. "If you move at a slower pace, that is completely okay; healing is not linear. You will revisit the same patterns or places time and time again, but each time comes from a new place of wisdom," she said. "Ending up in a familiar place does not mean you are not doing the work; it is a part of the process."
You can follow Devon on Instagram and TikTok. Also, if you are interested in learning more about emotionally unavailable parents, Devon has provided a list of resources for you to use below:
• Running on Empty by Jonice Webb, PhD
• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson, PsyD
• Attached by Amir Levine, MD, and Rachel S.F. Heller, MA
• The Journey From Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson, LCSW
• Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab, MSW, LCSW
• No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness With the Internal Family Systems Model by Richard C. Schwartz, PhD
• It’s Not Always Depression by Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW
• Recovery of Your Inner Child by Lucia Capacchione, PhD
• Permission to Feel by Marc Brackett, PhD
• Homecoming: Healing Trauma to Reclaim Your Authentic Self by Thema Bryant, PhD
• @TheSecureRelationship on Instagram
• The “I’m Sorry: How to Apologize and Why It Matters” two-part series on Brené Brown, PhD’s Unlocking Us podcast, featuring Harriet Lerner, PhD (and anything by Brené Brown generally, but this episode features a discussion about parent-child relationships).
Do you have experience with emotionally unavailable parents? If you feel comfortable, share your story and/or how you're currently navigating this relationship in the Google Form or comments below.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline is 1-888-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services; GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.
