It's Time To Retire The Idea Of 'Revenge Dressing' Once And For All
When Sabrina Carpenter stepped out last week for a screening of her Netflix special A Nonsense Christmas, it should have been a professional milestone for the singer-songwriter whose 2024 has been marked by a career glow-up for the ages (from the song of the summer ‘Espresso’ to her sold out Short n’ Sweet tour). But rather than focussing on what this moment means for her as a musician, the focus was on one thing: her outfit.
Specifically, in light of a recent split from the Irish actor Barry Keoghan, the press was quick to dub her vintage Chanel look a 'revenge dress' – a tradition that can be traced back to the late Princess Diana, but which has been applied to a whole gamut of famous women in the years since, from Irina Shayk to Jennifer Lopez.
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For fear of charting overly familiar territory, I’ll keep it brief: back in 1994, Princess Diana wore a black, off-the-shoulder gown by Christina Stambolian to a dinner at the Serpentine Gallery. Two days before, her then-husband King Charles had publicly spoken about having been unfaithful to her after their marriage had 'irretrievably broken down'. Her choice of outfit – a gown which had languished unworn in her wardrobe for three years, apparently, as Diana considered it to be too daring – was interpreted by the tabloids as a retaliation to Charles’ admission of infidelity.
Since then, reporters have waited with bated breath for the first post-breakup outing of female celebrities. The expectation? That these women 'show him what he’s missing' and put on a show for the cameras in a look that’s daring, sexy and male gaze-approved.
Other examples stamped into the public consciousness? Liz Hurley’s plunging, cut-out silk Valentino dress, worn in 2000 following her split from Hugh Grant. More recently, there was Beyoncé’s voluminous, yellow dress worn in the ‘Hold Up’ video as part of her post-cheating-scandal Lemonade project. A year later, there was Bella Hadid, who wore a partially see-through, skin-tight Alexander Wang bodystocking to the 2017 Met Gala in the presence of her ex-boyfriend The Weeknd and his new girlfriend Selena Gomez.
But is this narrative really helpful? Male celebrities rarely face scrutiny of their outfit choices following a public breakup. The very notion of having headlines proclaiming that a man is 'revenge dressing' following a split seems ludicrous – highlighting just how gendered the notion is. It’s hard not to feel a bit dispirited about the ways that women’s perceived worth is still so closely tied to their appearance. When it comes to breakups, surely there are other ways to prove that you are 'doing well' that aren’t just restricted to how you look. But, sadly, it’s not just in celebrity culture where we see this dynamic playing out.
In the lives of us mere mortals, the concept of a post-breakup glow-up is commonplace. On TikTok, women contribute to the trend in sadly unsurprising ways. Whether it’s (already) taut women hitting the gym while captioning videos with 'Heartbroken? No babe, you gave me gym motivation I’m building a body you can never touch' or (already) beautiful girls heading to the salon to switch up their hair look, it’s hard not to notice the pressure that women are put under to maximise their appearance whenever they are going through heartache.
It’s a topic that requires some nuance, but we do have to acknowledge the elephant in the room: women don’t set the beauty standards, they have these standards imposed upon them. Where we could focus on a billion other things in our lives, we’re often made to feel like our appearance – especially if we’re coming out of a relationship and are therefore 'back on the market' – should be the priority.
'We have to consider "glow-ups" in their true meaning without our cultural context. We're often talking about getting "hot" by conventional beauty standards,' says Gigi Engle, a certified sex and relationship psychotherapist and resident intimacy expert at dating app, 3Fun. 'This is quite problematic and a bit of a patriarchal con, in my opinion.'
However, Engle notes, it’s worth looking at the glow-up in a more holistic way. It doesn’t have to be about your appearance, nor does it have to be an exercise in spiting your ex. A post-breakup transformation could entail changing your outlook or energy, taking up new hobbies or, yes, wearing an epic outfit. But whatever you do, make sure it is for you and not to get back at a former partner.
'If we do something entirely for revenge, it might end up feeling quite hollow and empty,' she explains. 'It's when we're doing things that are aligned with our personal well-being, dreams, and goals that we see more positive emotional impact.'
Consider it this way: the best revenge is living life happily and on your terms. And as Engle explains, this can apply to IRL versions of revenge dressing, too. 'We're truly our "hottest" when we're dressing to be true to ourselves,' she explains. 'Sometimes that true self does mean dressing up like a super hottie.'
So, dust off whatever makes you feel good – whether it’s the dress that your ex thought was 'too much' or the comfy sweats that you can freely move around in. Revenge is a state of mind, and it’s best served with a healthy dose of self-love.
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