The secret to great sex isn’t really a secret. It’s asking the right question, 81-year-old sex professor says

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Want to have great sex? For world-renowned human sexuality professor Dr. William Yarber, now in his 41st year of teaching at Indiana University, there’s no big secret. It comes down to asking and sharing with your romantic partner a mix of these magical words: “How do you like to be touched?” and “Here’s how I like to be touched.”

“The essence of sexuality is giving and receiving pleasurable touch,” said Yarber, 81, who is also lead author of “Human Sexuality: Diversity in Contemporary Society,” the perennially assigned textbook that more than 300 universities and colleges use across the country.

Some of Yarber’s students have followed his advice and reported back to him over the years, he said: “I tried it with my partner, and our intimacy is better.” “Our pleasure is better.” “It strengthened our relationship!”

Now Yarber is longing for his own romantic relationship.

He married Margaret Covher, a high school English teacher, in 2000, but she passed away in August 2021. As a couple, they were “emotionally intimate,” he said. “That was a real, powerful thing of our relationship.”

They were close in age and enjoyed going to the theater and seeing movies, especially foreign films.

Yarber and Covher had divorced by the time she suffered a stroke in 2017, but he became her primary caretaker. (He said they divorced because she wanted more independence, but they never stopped being involved with each other.)

“I still loved her,” he reflected. “I wasn’t looking for anyone else.”

‘Extraordinary compassion for others’

Now more than three years after her death, Yarber said he is lonely and hoping to find a partner who’s excited to build a dynamic bond together, one that includes affection and mutual attraction.

His friends agree he’s ready.

“Bill has so many wonderful qualities,” said Dr. Justin Garcia, executive director and senior scientist at Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute, who has worked closely with Yarber since 2013, via email.

“He’s extremely social, curious, determined, generous, and has a contagious humor,” Garcia added. “He also has impeccable fashion — one of the best dressed professors on campus! But the character trait that defines him best, I think, is his extraordinary compassion for others.”

About 1 in 2 adults in the United States report experiencing loneliness, and the highest rates of social isolation are found among older adults. But finding romance, a challenge at any age, comes with its own set of complications for men and women in their seventh, eighth and ninth decade of life.

Because the pool of potential mates is smaller at Yarber’s age, any search for a new companion or romantic partner requires a bit more creativity, said Dr. Jeffrey Kullgren, director of the University of Michigan National Poll on Healthy Aging.

“I would encourage older adults to think beyond just their own generation,” said Kullgren, perhaps by joining organizations that attract people from different age groups to expand their social circle.

“It may not be the person you meet,” he added. “It may be somebody else they know. I think a lot of us can talk about that in our own lives and relate to that (idea of the) person who sets you up with somebody else.”

‘An entirely new arena for courtship’

Yarber has tried this intergenerational approach, primarily through his university colleagues, though he draws the line with receiving help from well-meaning students. He’s also tried to navigate dating apps, which didn’t exist when he last dated.

“Dating apps and websites are the most common way singles today are meeting partners, and that is true across a wide range of demographics, including for those 50 years of age and older, who have been a rapidly growing demographic of dating app users,” Garcia said.

“For many older singles, this is an entirely new arena for courtship,” he added. “While they may know what they want, and how they want to interact, the tools for finding someone and for letting yourself be found” are new.

The limits Yarber is putting on his search may be thwarting his efforts. He would prefer to stay in Bloomington, Indiana, where he teaches, but he’s not closing the door entirely to the idea of moving.

“I’m not looking for that situation, but it could happen,” he said.

Yarber considers himself an optimist who works hard at taking care of his physical and mental health. For those who might be interested, he told CNN that he’s in “good shape for my age” and has “a good diet” that makes him look a bit younger than people might expect.

He also wants more than companionship. Yarber agrees with the majority of older adults who say that sex is an important part of a romantic relationship at any age and it’s easy for him to envision his daily routine when he finds this elusive new partner.

“Oh, it just changes my life, ” he said, smiling. “I have more zip in my step!”

Allison Gilbert is coauthor of “The Joy of Connections” and an Emmy Award-winning journalist. Follow her at @agilbertwriter.

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