Tori Spelling Breaks Silence About Divorce from Dean McDermott: 'I've Never Felt More Alone'

The 'Beverly Hills, 90210' star filed for divorce from McDermott on March 29, just two days before her new podcast 'misSPELLING' made its debut

Tori Spelling is speaking out about her divorce from Dean McDermott, in her own words.

The Beverly Hills, 90210 actress broke her silence on Monday about the dissolution of her marriage, in the debut installment of her podcast, misSPELLING.

"I've never felt more alone," Spelling, 50, said. "I don’t feel worth loving. That’s the truth. And that’s something that’s just in you, it’s not something I wanted or created. That starts when you’re young. [And changing it], that's not easy to do. ... I don't know if you can."

It was an emotional episode recorded moments after Spelling filed on Friday, March 29. in fact, the episode started with the mother of five calling McDermott, 57, and leaving him a voice message to let him know what she had done.

"There’s this weird thing that I didn’t know about before that you have to be careful with your ex. It’s a he-said, she-said, who filed first. I had to file and go through the process and then once it was accepted and publicly posted, then I’m allowed to call and fill in my ex. So I just called Dean," Spelling explained. "He’s working and I have to tell him and I’m super nervous because I don’t like confrontation."

Related: Tori Spelling Files for Divorce from Dean McDermott After 18 Years of Marriage

Spelling went on to say that she'd been telling herself  she wanted to file for divorce for "like... 15 years."

She held back because she wanted to "protect" McDermott from hurt, and protect their kids.

"We always say, ‘Hey, it made it 18 years. It shouldn’t have made it 18 years," Spelling said. "And I think he would say the same thing if he and I had a real heart-to-heart. It would have been over a lot sooner."

So what went wrong in their marriage? According to Spelling, the "honeymoon period" ended four months after the two got together — a romance that famously began when they cheated on their spouses (Charlie Shanian and Mary Jo Eustace respectively) after meeting in 2005 on the set of the TV movie, Mind Over Murder.

"We had this very, quick, passionate falling in love period," Spelling recalled, calling it "fast and furious romance" and praising McDermott for appreciating the side to her she rarely showed anyone. "I just remember I could show him me. It wasn’t like, the cute like, giggly, ‘this is what people want me to be.’ I was able to be like, ‘Loud and like ugh, body-type of Tori. I could have like, I could have a fowl mouth. I’m not just Donna Martin, the perfect good girl. I could have some bad girl in me and it was okay. And he liked all those sides and he liked how smart I was and accepted me."

But Spelling says that there were "red flags" she saw that she didn't address early on. "Everyone talks about red flags. I like saying that I just like to make dresses out of red flags and then proceed," she joked.

Those red flags, Spelling says, include "anger issues" she claims McDermott had as their lives in the public eye grew.

"I said from the beginning, ‘It’s going to be a lot. I’ve been told it’s an emasculating road.’ And he was like, ‘I can handle it,' " Spelling shared. "I don’t think he knew how big it would be. How big the life I was given and live is. I think he was like, ‘Oh yeah, things come and go.’ But with me, it never went. From the moment I was born, I was in the press. There hasn't been a reprieve from it. So you kind of have to be used to jumping on board with that world and getting through it and owning it. And I thought he was on board with that."

Related: Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott 'Were Definitely Trying' Before 'Out of the Blue' Split Announcement: Sources

Things changed, Spelling says, when they had kids. (The two are parents to Liam Aaron McDermott, 17, Stella Doreen, 15, Hattie Margaret, 12, Finn Davey, 11 and Beau Dean, 7).

"Honestly, our relationship was never the same after we started having kids," said Spelling. "We always said, ‘We won’t be those parents that change. We’ll make sure we make our relationship a priority, the two of us. We have date nights.’ And everything went out the window. I became completely focused on the kids and kind of left him, in a way."

"Our relationship definitely changed where I really felt like I was in this alone with the kids,' Spelling added. "And he was there, but he was an extra set of hands. He put the car seat in because I didn’t know how to do it and things like that. Emotionally, I was it. Like, ‘Tag, you’re it.’ I was the parent. And it was a lot of responsibility while also rebuilding a career — which I did. We became a family brand. I went from Hollywood rich girl... to like, cool mom. 'Look at her. She does it all.' Meanwhile, behind the scenes, it was all falling apart."

Spelling wasn't prepared to let anyone know things were falling apart.

She explained on her podcast that she "created the character of Dean" after growing up the daughter of famous television producer, wanting to script her romance like a fairy tale and make McDermott into "all those Prince Charmings I wanted when I was young."

"He had a lot of those qualities. But… you know… We did our reality show and the first one was like, ‘Fun, fun.’ So any bad stuff that would happen or fights or anything, they would edit," she shared. "Women everywhere, I would hear, ‘I wish I had a Dean.’ And I was like, ‘If you only knew…’ "

The pair went to therapy over the years to try to work on their issues according to Spelling it didn't help at all "because we were talking about two different things" — with McDermott often focusing on Spelling's sloppiness around the house, and how she often didn't clean up after their pets.

"I’m really good at taking blame so that someone can start to feel like they can open up. So yeah, I would say, ‘I do this, and I do that.’ Hoping he would be like, ‘Yeah, and I do this.’ But instead it was more focused on, ‘The dog s-- all over the house. She has too many animals. She’s a hoarder. She’s messy.’ And I’m like, ‘Yup, yup, yup. That’s me,' " said Spelling.

As for those aforementioned "anger issues," Spelling alleged on her podcast that McDermott had a "temper' which was "often fueled by alcohol."

"When he would drink, it was hard because I knew that at some point, it would turn," Spelling claimed. "And I knew... you know, it was always different. It could be 2 drinks, it could be 5, 6 drinks. And then I would just see it turn and I’m like, ‘Oh, here we go.’ And then that became my dance on the eggshells. No matter what I said it wasn’t right and I would have to, in my head be like, ‘Okay, quick quick quick on your toes.’ "

'It was like a fight. A mental fight," she said. " ‘I think he might aim here and if he aims here with what he says, I’m going to respond this way and it’ll take him down.’ And it got to the point where nothing would make sense and I would just know to stop talking. And that usually, just space and stop talking, it was hard. "

McDermott, who says he is sober now, has acknowledged that his drinking played a part in their troubles. In an interview with the Daily Mail in November 2023, he revealed that the couple hadn't been sleeping in the same bed anymore, and their marriage was characterized by “anger and…yelling.”

“It ended up with me drinking a fifth of tequila every night, seven days a week, and a handful of narcos [narcotics] by myself with, you know, a beautiful family in the other room,” he said. “That's what it led to and that's what led to the brokenness. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t live that life anymore.”

Drinking was involved, Spelling claimed on her podcast, the night they finally decided to separate. That was June 17, 2023 — the date Spelling listed in her filing as their date of separation, and the same day McDermott announced that the couple had decided to split in a statement that was later deleted off his Instagram.

“It’s with great sadness and a very very heavy heart that after 18 years together and 5 amazing children, that @torispelling and I have decided to go our separate ways, and start a new journey of our own,” he wrote at the time.

Asked about what happened that night, Spelling said the two had been at a photoshoot earlier in the day with her 90210 costar Jennie Garth.

"Jen and Dean haven’t always gotten along and I just remember that day she was like, ‘He was really great,' " recalled Spelling. "He helped and styled and carried and did everything for us that day, because we didn’t have the budget to hire people. We had to do the whole photoshoot ourselves, and video shoot — just me and Jen. And he was great. And when I got home, she texted me and said, ‘Dean was really great today.’ And I was like, ‘Oh, that’s going to mean a lot to him, for me to go in and say Jen gave you a compliment.’ "

However McDermott, Spelling said, "had been drinking at that point" and after she passed on the message from Garth, the two "started to discuss something else."

"I could tell, ‘Oh, he’s fired up and it’s not going to go well,' " Spelling said. "And in my head I’m like, ‘Stop talking, walk away, cause otherwise this is going to escalate.’ But once in a blue moon, I don’t just walk away and I don’t just shut up. I come back. And I always say, it’s the Taurus in me. Stubborn. The Taurus will make peace with everyone and super patient and will be like, ‘I’m sorry, it’s me, it’s not you.’ And then you push us, you push us, you push us, and we then just snap."

"We had started fighting and I walked away, still passive aggressively saying things, 'cause I’m passive aggressive — trying to work on that," she continued. "And he was like, ‘What’d you say? What’d you say?’ And I was like, ‘Hmmm. Uh huh, proceed — I said this!’ And yeah… so it just like, escalated and he came in screaming. And he made a remark that I don’t want to discuss. But it’s not even a terrible remark, it’s just a dig at something he knew would really be hurtful to hear."

Related: Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott's Relationship Timeline

Spelling did not say what the comment was, but it appears she will explain more in a future episode.

On Friday, PEOPLE confirmed that Spelling, 50, filed for divorce from McDermott after 18 years of marriage. In her court filing, the actress cited irreconcilable differences as the reason behind their split.

She also asked for sole physical custody of their five minor children and joint legal custody with McDermott's visitation rights to be determined at a later date.

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Spelling and McDermott tied the knot in a private ceremony in Fiji on May 7, 2006.

Over the past few years, the couple have fielded rumors about the status of their marriage, especially after Spelling shared a holiday card on Instagram where McDermott was notably absent.

In recent months, the two have both moved on. McDermott is seeing new girlfriend Lily Calo while Spelling was spotted kissing Ryan Cramer, the CEO of Santa Monica-based agency Neuron Syndicate Inc., in November.

Despite their new love interests, McDermott told Page Six in March that Spelling is still his “biggest fan” and continues to support him from afar on maintaining his sobriety journey. He described her as “caring,” “empathetic” and someone who “wants the best for everybody” sometimes “at the expense of her happiness.”

“You know, she just wants me to be happy. Bottom line. And she’s such an incredible woman that way,” McDermott told the outlet. “She’s one of the most generous people I’ve ever met in my life.”

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