I Track My Teens' Phones And Discovered Something Unexpected About Myself
It was 2 a.m. as I stared at my phone screen, watching the blue dot representing one of my teenage sons move through unfamiliar streets after a party. Although he had no curfew, he rarely stayed out this late. Unable to sleep, I watched his movements, waiting for the telltale signs that he was in an Uber and heading home.
Since installing a tracking app on the phones of my teenage twin sons, this anxious late-night ritual has become all too familiar.
The blue dot’s journey across my screen became my nightly companion. I quickly discovered I was far from alone. According to a recent survey, 58% of parents use cell phones with built-in tracking features, while 53% rely on dedicated family monitoring apps. Like many of these parents, I initially installed the app for safety, but what I discovered about myself went much deeper.
What began as a practical safety measure gradually revealed something I hadn’t fully acknowledged: how much I crave being present in my sons’ lives. I divorced when they were 3 and have since missed countless moments, from learning to ride a bike to school presentations to everyday conversations that many parents take for granted. The tracking app became a way I felt connected to them, a digital substitute for being there in person.
Michelle Felder, a psychotherapist and parenting expert, explains this behavior: “Parents who have anxious-preoccupied attachment styles may use monitoring as a way of maintaining a feeling of connection with their child.” However, identifying a pattern is only the first step. What matters is how we channel these feelings.
For parents in shared custody arrangements, Felder suggests using tracking constructively: “A parent with limited time with their child might use a tracking app as a starting point for connection; for example, sending a text saying, ‘I see you made it home safely. I hope your presentation went well — I can’t wait to hear all about it!’ This engages, shows care and keeps communication open.”
As a teenager, my parents had no idea where I was when I stayed out — just the vague promise that I’d be home “later.” They’d leave the porch light on, imagining worst-case scenarios if I was home too late. Today’s technology has replaced that brand of parental anxiety with something more complex. We can now track our children’s movements in real time, but that constant ability to check in creates its own kind of tension. Now, there is the temptation to monitor rather than trust our children. Sometimes, I wonder if my parents’ forced ignorance of my exact whereabouts was a blessing in disguise.
While my compulsive checking had become a habit, my wife had a different perspective on their independence. “They’ll call if they need us,” she says with a confidence I wish I had. Her approach isn’t from lack of caring; she loves them deeply but with a healthier sense of boundaries. Seeing her relationship with my sons thrive without digital surveillance helped me recognize my monitoring habit as something I needed to fix.
Reena B. Patel, a parenting expert and licensed psychologist, recommends that parents regularly ask themselves reflective questions: “Have I been frequently tracking my teens’ locations? Have I invaded their privacy too much? When am I overly hovering? Do I assume they are lying right off the bat?” These questions can help identify when monitoring crosses into over-surveillance.
These questions never crossed my mind until a meeting a few months ago, when I instinctively opened the app as we waited to begin. “You check that app a lot,” a client remarked. “Is something wrong?” Her simple question caught me off guard. I wasn’t responding to any danger; rather, the app had become my unconscious habit, driven by separation anxiety rather than actual parenting needs.
“When minimizing their own anxiety becomes the driving force behind a parent’s monitoring, rather than meeting their child’s needs or maintaining safety, it could be a sign that tracking has shifted to unhealthy surveillance,” Felder noted. For parents questioning their own habits, she suggests watching for signs likerepeatedly checking their teen’s location or finding it difficult to engage in other activities because they’re constantly checking a tracking app.
My sons have developed a much more balanced approach to location sharing, which starkly contrasts with my own. When they went on an interstate vacation with friends during school break, they downloaded a tracking app to look out for each other. They were using the app the way I had intended to — to ensure safety. Seeing how they used tracking technology forced me to confront how I had used it — for my emotional reassurance, rather than their well-being.
I’ve slowly learned to distinguish between legitimate safety monitoring and anxiety-driven surveillance. Safety checks happen when they’re out late or in unfamiliar places. The problematic behavior happens when I find myself checking every few minutes to see if they’ve left a place, information I could simply get with a text.
One source of the anxiety comes from parental duty, the other from unresolved feelings about missing parts of their childhood. Before opening the tracking app, I now ask myself: “Am I checking for them or me?” Recently, when I wondered if they’d made it to their after-school activities, I deliberately chose to text them directly rather than check the app. It was a small step toward more direct communication.
Digital technology has created new challenges around surveillance and independence. “As technology advances, parental monitoring continues to move away fromthe occasional check-in or reliance on community oversightto constant digital tracking — which can blur the lines between safety and surveillance,” Felder noted. Over time, this shift may contribute to decreased adolescent autonomy and may eventually lead society to accept encroaching upon a teen’s privacy as an expected part of growing up.
Patel has advice for parents struggling with their tracking habits. “Parents should clearly communicate the purpose of tracking their teens, respecting privacy, using technology transparently, limiting frequency and adjusting monitoring levels as needed,” Patel said. “It’s important to understand that teens’ independence grows as they age, so the level of monitoring should evolve to accommodate this growing need.”
Through this experience, I’ve discovered that my tracking behavior was driven by my fear of missing out on their lives. My divorce created a void I unconsciously tried to fill by digitally monitoring my son’s movements.
The blue dots still occasionally move across my screen, but I check less frequently. I haven’t deleted the app, as it still serves its purpose when they’re at parties or in unfamiliar places. But it’s no longer my first instinct when I wonder what they’re doing.
My sons are becoming adults, and I’m learning that letting go is part of the deal, whether I’m ready for it or not.
