The ‘Uncertainty Stage’ Can Last Over A Year In Many Relationships
POV: You’re in a new relationship and things have been going super well. (Yay!) About eight months in, though, it starts to feel a bit different—maybe you find yourself nitpicking at something the other person did, or you begin to notice their red flags, leaving you to wonder... is something off? Spoiler alert: This is all totally normal—you’ve just swiftly exited the beautiful, yet flawed honeymoon stage.
All relationships are different and move at their own pace. However, the one thing they all have in common is that they do change over time. “How they change directly correlates with how the people in the relationship are changing,” says Shawntres Parks, PhD, licensed marriage and family therapist and Women's Health advisory board member. So, if you’re “engaging in self-development and becoming more self-aware, more introspective, more insightful, chances are your relationship is going to grow in a more positive way.”
Meet the experts:
Shawntres Parks, PhD, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and Women's Health advisory board member.
Betsy Chung, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and relationship expert in Newport Beach, California.
Generally speaking though, there are five stages of a relationship and—similarly to the stages of grief—some stages can repeat or be non-linear, while other stages are progressive. A change may happen “when there are other circumstances that arise that kind of shift the order of things,” Parks says.
Just remember: “Couples that are most successful are open to change, and willing to navigate ups and downs of relationships together,” says Betsy Chung, PsyD, licensed clinical psychologist and relationship expert in Newport Beach, California.
Ahead, learn about the five main stages that your 'ship will go through, roughly how long they might last, and how to navigate them.
The Honeymoon Stage (Up To Six Months After The Relationship Begins)
This stage comes at the very beginning—both you and your S.O. constantly have *that* twinkle in your eye when looking at the other, and everything’s coming up roses. Even though you’re still getting to know each other, you both might feel as if you’ve found the “right” one, says Chung. “Both are on best behaviors, and understand each other on a very surface level, though it may feel as though they know each other deeply,” she adds.
You’ll know you’re in this stage if you feel euphoria just by thinking of them, and you…ignore some red flags. “There's kind of this symbiosis where everything that the person you're attracted to likes, you like their views and perspectives you tend to align with,” says Parks. “Everything that you're seeing is kind of from the idealized perspective.”
You also might prioritize the relationship before other parts of your life. Be careful and stay objective, as these decisions can set the tone for the developing relationship. Chung also recommends keeping up with your personal life outside of your new relationship and invest in your friendships with people who will be honest.
Get out on the grill.
You’re probably planning to use it already. So invite your date as you marinate, and enjoy her presence with your perfectly seared steak.
Visit an orchard.
And buy some stuff. This year, some businesses (if they’re still open) have seen a downturn in sales. So support your local economy, and pick up sweet treats, when you go apple picking and more.
Rent a scooter or two.
They’re already everywhere, right? Use an app for the rental. Then roll through your city, navigate safely, and stick together.
Create a scavenger hunt.
This requires some planning, but you can do it. Buy sealed candy or little items your partner might love, and write out a few clues. Then hide the items in places that match the hints. The final prize? You.
Go back to the drawing board.
Fall brings school supplies, so it’s easy to find artsy items in stores or online. Buy your materials, take a seat, and take turns sketching each other. Even if you’re no Picasso, effort counts.
Volunteer together.
We may be home more, but nonprofits can still use our help. Give time to an important project—or one that means something to your date. Find virtual and onsite opportunities via VolunteerMatch.
Say "cheers."
This isn’t your typical toast. Plan to visit a vineyard; October is harvest season in some areas. Hopefully, you’ll discover something great.
Play photographer.
Your date can be the model. Make it Instagram-worthy by choosing a location with cool fall leaves or nice lighting. Tip: Learn a few shooting basics so you do their beauty justice.
Pop into a panel discussion.
School’s in session, and it’s election season. That means you can find lectures, book discussions, and other panels online. Book in advance (try your local bookstore or an event site), and walk out a little more informed.
Take a martial arts class.
Taekwondo, anyone? Check your local listings to see what’s open and what’s required. Then dive in with your date and do some sparring.
Try a guided meditation.
Feeling wound up as the year winds down? Meditation can help you get calm. Find a quiet environment, settle in with your date, and push play on your smartphone. Get free options via the UCLA Mindfulness Meditation Center or on YouTube.
Take a day trip.
A short drive can make you both feel brand new. Try an outdoor destination that you’ve never seen. And if you have to grab lunch, check out the new city for a new experience.
Sip on hot cider.
Now you can find an authentic cup. So take a break from pumpkin spice overload, settle into a cozy space, and offer a toast with this classic.
Schedule a ghost tour.
Hopefully neither of you have scared each other by this point. If you pass the vibe check, book a trip to a so-called haunted house—together.
Play tourist in your own city.
You know all the cheesy stuff you said you’d never do? Try it now. With fewer people traveling, you two might as well see that weird landmark everyone loves.
Walk the dog.
Are you a dog dad? If your furry friend is generally cool—no biters, please—bring your pup on the date. Or have your date bring theirs. Either way, you all get some exercise.
Go rock climbing.
If you do this at an indoor facility, when they’re open, you can get hooked into the safety gear and scale a wall. If your date thinks Spiderman is hot, they might think you are, too.
Take a hike.
If you prefer the outdoors, go to a rocky trail. It can be great to get moving at a higher elevation.
Go camping...kind of.
Grab some blankets, your drinks of choice, and a few snacks. Then settle into your backyard or a nearby campsite for a bit so you can talk—and cuddle up—under the stars.
Play minigolf.
Check to see if courses near you have reopened, and confirm any safety guidelines. And if your date needs a hand lining up their shot...well, you’ll be happy to help.
Run a 5K race.
Sign up for a fall event with your date. Your participation might even benefit a good cause. And if you’re avoiding crowds, virtual races are an option, too.
Have a jam session.
If you’ve got talent, whip out your musical instrument (emphasis on musical) and play a solo, or see if your date has skills to share. If not, there are always lessons on YouTube.
Channel a chef.
The holidays are just around the corner, so learn a festive recipe with your date. You can hold off on the turkey, but new sides are good bets.
Go to a farmer's market.
It’s veggie season. Stop into a local market to pick up fresh produce. And if the squash and pumpkins start calling your names, answer.
Get lost on purpose.
This is perfect for fall, especially if the leaves are changing. Hop into your car, close Google maps, and see where you end up. And if your final destination is just an open field? Call it an adventure.
Bake together.
Feed your sweet tooth and make a cake, pie, or something even more ambitious together. Not only is it the perfect meet-up, but you'll add another recipe to your repertoire and have a fun memory to remember it.
Go horseback riding.
If you're not too afraid of horses, a peaceful horseback ride is the perfect chance to get out among nature and do something outside your comfort zone.
Go to a sports game. (Or watch one.)
Both sports fans? Head out to a game for your favorite teams. And if you're not quite ready to be among crowds, make it a date at home.
Take a hot air balloon ride.
For anyone not afraid of heights, consider a trip in a hot air balloon. You'll see your town from a whole new height, and maybe learn more about your partner at the same time.
Check out your local bookstore.
Love reading? Take your S.O. to one of your favorite local bookstores and help them find the next book they'll love. (You can even check online to see if the store is hosting any author readings or interesting panels.)
Play in an arcade.
Show off your competitive side and take your partner to an arcade. Whoever loses buys dinner.
Navigate a corn maze.
See how long it takes for you and your partner to make it out of the winding maze. Bring water and a snack in case you get really really lost.
Play lawn games.
Cornhole anyone? Get the most out of the outdoors and set up a lawn game like volleyball or croquet.
Go for a picnic.
Grab a pizza, a bottle of wine and head to your local park for a romantic picnic. Remember to bring a towel so you're not lounging in the dirt.
Take up bird-watching.
Immerse yourself in nature and grab your partner for some bird-watching. A tip? Bring binoculars.
Go ziplining together.
Spend an afternoon flying high. Jump on a zipline and get a quick adrenaline rush with your partner.
Head to a museum.
Show off your artsy side and walk around your local museum. It's the perfect date idea no matter the weather.
Scream on a rollercoaster.
Spend a day at an amusement park and feel the wind in your face as you and your partner ride the coasters. Just try not to puke.
Sing your hearts out.
Warm up your voice and belt out your favorite songs with karaoke. You can even set the mood with a love song.
Laugh at a comedy show.
Giggle through an evening at a local comedy club. Just please, please don't be a heckler.
The Uncertainty Stage (Six Months Up To Two Years)
Those rose-colored glasses? Consider them off, for the time being. In this stage, you might start to recognize little things about your person that annoy you—suddenly, they don’t seem so perfect anymore. During this stage, “partners begin to uncover flaws about the other person that causes them to question the relationship,” Chung says. You might even reconsider whether they are the “right” one for you.
Still, “as conflict is starting to emerge, it feels very mild,” Parks adds. “They're typically not the larger conflicts because you still maybe haven't gotten to the place where you're starting to talk about the more serious issues that tend to be really necessary to work through for the success of a long-term relationship.”
You might confide in your friends, feel disappointed that your feelings aren’t super intense like before, or even “engage in sabotaging behaviors such as dating other people or starting arguments,” Chung adds. If you notice your partner is starting to have reservations, don’t jump to the assumption that they want to break up prematurely—and if you find yourself fixating on their flaws or behaviors, remember that your S.O. is just a human, and they have both positive and negative traits.
“Ask yourself ‘How does this person make you feel?’ rather than hyper-focusing on their external flaws,” Chung says.
The Adjustment Stage (After Two Years)
If you’re able to get through that initial uncertainty phase, you’ll get to the adjustment stage. Here, you'll be faced with conflicts and incompatibilities that are deeper-seated and and harder to navigate—possibly having to do with cultural differences, such as family culture or ethnic culture, or religious beliefs and morals, Parks says. “You're having to negotiate whatever those challenges are in order to see whether or not this relationship is viable to transition into a long-term partnership,” she adds.
Try to navigate these conflicts and fights together, Chung says. “Couples at this stage do have a desire to make the relationship work, but continue to remain uncertain of long-term potential,” she says. How open you both are to working through difficulties might depend on how long you’ve been together or how attached to you are to one another.
At this stage, be wary of any relationship habits or patterns forming, especially unhealthy ones, like your partner giving you the silent treatment after a fight. A key to getting through this stage is practicing healthy communication and learning to compromise, Chung explains.
When conflicts arise in this stage, Parks recommends “listening to understand as opposed to listening to respond.” Sometimes in relationships, people are used to reacting through their emotions rather than taking time to understand the context of their partner’s point of view. To solve conflicts, try to “listen to gain a sense of understanding about where your partner is coming from, maybe why they have the belief or the position that they have, and how the two of you together can navigate this difference,” Parks says.
The Commitment Stage (After Two Or More Years)
This stage is called the commitment stage for a reason—here, you’ll start to accept each other’s flaws, finding that they “outweigh the difficulties,” Chung says. (Woohoo!) You’ll get more comfortable with each other, in addition to the idea of staying together long-term.
Parks says that sometimes couples fear that when they reach a deeper commitment level, their sexual intimacy might fade away. She recommends nurturing that intimacy at every stage of the relationship: “Excitement and passion is the responsibility of everyone in the relationship, and it is a thing that requires continued work. Like a fire, right? We have gotta keep putting wood on it to keep it going,” she says.
In this stage, you’ll want to make sure you stay objective about the reasons as to why you’re in the relationship, because it can be easy to stay together just because you’re comfortable with your routine or feel guilty ending it.
The Acceptance Stage (After Five Or More Years)
Getting through obstacles together gives you some safety and security and brings you closer than ever—to the final stage of acceptance. “This is the optimal stage for couples,” Chung says. “Couples experience a level of closeness that's irreplaceable and reassuring of relationship security.” You’ll be grateful for the relationship in this stage, and appreciate your partner as a reliable source of support as you also focus on your own personal goals, like travel, job changes, or relocation
They might become the first person you call if you’re in a state of emotional distress, if they aren’t already. “We hear couples talking about, ‘My partner is my best friend,’ because typically they've gone through the honeymoon stage, they've gone through early attachment and crisis, they've come through it,” Parks says. “They truly have a felt sense that they really know and understand each other."
It can become painful, though. After all, “the more connected you are to a person, the scarier it is to lose the relationship,” Chung says. So, she recommends you continue to invest in the other relationships in your life so you aren’t dependent on your S.O.—no matter what stage you're at. Duly noted!
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