This Viral TikTok Shows The 1 Way Partners Fail Moms During The Holidays
Holiday traditions ― from shopping for family members to making treats for school parties ― often fall on the mom (in heterosexual relationships, at least).
There are many, many articles that reinforce this, along with the classic “Saturday Night Live” Christmas morning sketch in which the mom of a family, played by Kristen Wiig, only receives a robe for Christmas as her husband and children open many presents and full stockings. Her stocking remains empty.
Now, a viral TikTok video is making the rounds to remind dads in heterosexual relationships that it’s on them to fill their wife’s Christmas stocking. In the video, a dad films his kids as they open their Christmas stockings and his own filled-up stocking, only to come across an empty one ― which is, of course, the mom’s.
In the video’s caption, TikTok user Aubree Jones wrote, “Here’s your yearly reminder #stockinggate. It took @whataboutjoshjones 10 years to learn it was his job. Last year we did a poll [and] 7/10 women either fill their own stocking or wake up to an empty one. Let’s change that this year!”
The video has more than 2 million views and thousands of comments, a majority of which validate that the empty stocking issue isn’t a rare occurrence for moms who often do the bulk of holiday shopping. And where’s the fun in filling your own stocking?
The TikTok is meant to be a lighthearted reminder, but it struck a chord with users.
One person commented, “As a mom and wife, this actually made me cry. This is my reality, and it hurts,” while another wrote, “The divorce came out of nowhere!”
“Years later and I’m still mad about this,” someone else commented.
“I think that’s why it’s also so sad because it’s not really shocking ... there are just so many holiday memes and TikTok videos that are specific to this, and partially because, yeah, some of them are funny, but it’s also because of the ‘Oh, me too,’” said Emma Shandy Anway, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in California.
Moms deserve a full stocking, but an empty one on Christmas morning speaks to more problems than just a lack of trinkets. Here’s what those problems could be and how to address them.
This is another example of unbalanced emotional labor at home.
Recently, there’s been a lot of talk on social media about the mental load and emotional labor that occurs when someone in a family is in charge of the majority of household management, with Anway explaining that “‘emotional labor’ and carrying ‘the mental load’ are typically kind of terms that are used interchangeably.”
This phenomenon doesn’t just happen with “planning presents and scheduling, but it’s also anticipating other people’s needs [and] putting other people before themselves,” she added.
Research shows that emotional labor is usually the mom’s responsibility in heterosexual relationships, whether it’s the holiday season or a random summer day.
For example, someone who carries the mental load has to think through the allergy-safe foods to pack for her son while visiting grandma, as well as remember to order more allergy-safe cookies and refill his EpiPen prescription.
Or, in the case of Jones’ so-called “stocking gate,” the mom has to make sure her family’s Christmas morning experience is joyful and organized — often without taking herself into consideration.
“It’s not just the needs that are in-your-face obvious, it’s also three weeks from now ... it’s going above and beyond to manage everybody’s experience,” Anway said.
Carrying the mental load during the already stressful holiday season can cause problems for moms.
Between holiday shopping, sending out cards, family traditions, travel, Christmas concerts, holiday parties and more, this season is already a fast track to exhaustion (whether you’re a parent or not). This is especially the case for moms who carry the mental load in their family; it can lead to burnout, resentment and feeling left out from the season’s joyous moments, Anway explained.
You likely already know if this sounds like you, but Anway said there are a few red flags that unfair emotional labor during the holiday season is dragging you down. If you aren’t enjoying the holiday season, dreading it, or staying up late doing all of the things that need to get done, it’s likely a sign that it’s time to set boundaries. You don’t have to do everything — even if it feels that way.
Instead of making cookies for your kids’ classes, stop at the grocery store and buy premade treats, Anway suggested. Another good way to save your energy is by declining some holiday invites.
You should also aim to get in some self-care during this demanding time of year, whether that’s a day off from work, a solo hike, or whatever feels restorative to you.
It’s also critical to bring this up with your partner and let them know how you’re feeling. Anway recommended sitting down together and telling them, “I’m tired of carrying the emotional labor. Can we as a team figure this out together?”
“Because one thing that people tend to do that ends up being really problematic is — just using a hetero partnership example — the husband will be like, ‘Well, just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it.’ But that still is putting the mental load on the woman to figure out what needs to be done,” she said.
It’s important that couples figure out how to go through the holiday season (and their lives) on equal footing. It shouldn’t be up to one person to always delegate tasks.
Bottom line, issues like an empty Christmas stocking are just the tip of the iceberg.
There are a lot of reasons why tasks like filling Christmas stockings are left to the mom in a heterosexual partnership.
“This is a thread of the broader conversation of what it is to raise a family in such a patriarchal culture,” Anway said. “From the get-go, girls and boys are raised differently. Little girls are bought play kitchens and babies and all these things that, for sure, they like, but you rarely see a little boy bought these things.”
She also noted that, from a young age, women are trained to be caretakers, adding, “And men don’t face that same sort of slice of life that women do. They have different expectations placed on them.”
In many families, it’s simply expected for the mom to do the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping and the bulk of the child-rearing.
“We are a lot more old-school puritanical than I think we like to think we are,” Anway said. “There’s a lot of overt and covert gender roles and expectations that people are dealing with.”
This is a major problem in society, but solace can be found in the fact that we are at least acknowledging the issue, she noted, along with a generational shift in parenting responsibilities. Studies show that millennial dads spend more time with their kids when compared to older generations, and Gen Z dads are more likely than previous generations to help with tasks like changing diapers.
If your family isn’t there yet, that’s OK. You can use this stressful holiday season as a jumping-off point so Christmas next year is more enjoyable. If you find yourself feeling inadequate as you see images of picture-perfect families on Instagram or stories of the ideal family on TV, just remember that you are still doing a great job.
“I think a lot of the reasons women run themselves into the ground this time of year is because they don’t feel like they’re good enough,” Anway said. “Comparison culture is so rough.”
Instead of trying to get every single thing done and then some, take a moment to appreciate all that you’ve done this holiday season and this year as a whole.
“You are a great mom and you are doing a great job — maybe lean into the concept of good enough this season, because you are good enough. It’s really easy to forget that in the flurry of all the things that tend to build up as we kind of get toward the end of the year,” Anway said.
