Why Do All of My Exes Smell the Same?
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Like many people, I try to not think too hard about my exes. I believe that the best way to move on after a relationship is to neatly box up any residual feelings and store them in the back of my mind, only to be opened, contents dissected, during my bi-weekly therapy appointments. Unfortunately, there are always moments in life that will unexpectedly summon the ghosts of your past.
I recently learned this lesson the hard way. This past summer, after a few dinner dates with a new love interest, I was invited to his home for...dessert. As soon as I got there, I instinctually began casually casing his apartment for any signs of strange activity that would prompt me to make a quick getaway. Not because he struck me as the type to have any questionable skeletons in his closet, but you can never be too careful. Luckily, I didn’t find anything incriminating, but what I did discover was still alarming. Perched on the arm of his brown leather couch was a bottle of Dior Sauvage, as if it was placed there for the sole purpose of being seen. I knew it well. It was the same fragrance that had decorated my ex’s nightstand, and the scent that lingered for months in the sweatshirt I’d borrowed from (and still hadn’t returned to) another ex before that. The initial shock of seeing it, mixed with the disbelief that this new man would smell the same as the men I’d been with before him, was paralyzing. All I could do was stare at the bottle.
With the memories of my past relationships rushing to my head, this 60-milliliter vessel felt massive, like I was Barry Keoghan standing in front of the Minotaur statue in Saltburn. Once I snapped back to reality, I immediately left his home feigning illness and fatigue. All the residual emotions I’d stifled in boxes were now spilling out all over the backseat of my Uber. And then, in a moment of Carrie Bradshaw-esque clarity, it dawned on me: Would everyone I date smell the same? And if so, will I ever be able to escape my exes?
Don’t get me wrong, there’s a reason so many people wear Sauvage: It smells really good. Its bergamot, lavender, pepper, and cedar notes are classic and familiar with an overwhelming appeal. In 2021, Dior announced that Sauvage was the best-selling fragrance for both men and women, with a bottle being sold every three second according to Business of Fashion. There are currently five iterations of the scent, plus grooming products like lotion, deodorant, and after-shave. A $8,200 special edition version is even available for purchase on the Dior website.
But, for me, the scent is a reminder of past failed relationships. Seeing it again felt like a sign that I was doomed to repeat a pattern of attracting the same guys over and over again: conventionally attractive, fun, and nice enough to date. But also, noncommittal and topped off with a sprinkle of arrogance. Would I ever graduate from this sickening cycle? I thought I already had.
“It’s so funny because it really does seem like everybody’s ex wears Sauvage,” Tynan Sinks, beauty writer and co-host of the perfume podcast, Smell Ya Later, told me. “Like, everybody.” Hearing this made me feel less alone. I soon discovered that many of my friends had similar experiences of associating their exes with ubiquitous colognes. Aside from Dior Sauvage, two repeat offenders were Le Labo Santal 33 and YSL Y. Friends whose exes routinely sported Santal 33 described them as your typical Lower East Side fashion guy—creative, stylish, and perhaps even adventurous, but with a pretentious nature that’s underscored by an obnoxious predictability. When referencing her ex who wore the scent, my friend said, “It’s like he thought he was in on this super niche and obscure underground fragrance, but it’s actually wildly popular.” YSL Y, my friends and I concluded, was likely sported by your classic corporate executive type. Y exes were described as being like that one person who spends a semester abroad and comes back acting like someone totally different. Our contention was less so about the fragrances themselves—like Sauvage, these are really good perfumes—it’s more about the guys who chose them.
Now, it’s also important to note that our assessment is not indicative of every person who wears these or other popular fragrances. Plenty of people have happy memories associated with these scents. It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t buy them, and wearing a more niche fragrance doesn’t necessarily make you any more interesting or cool than anyone else (no matter what PerfumeTok says). Nor does it make you less likely to possess toxic traits. But, a scent can reveal a lot about who a person is and how they want to be perceived.
Like creating your personal wardrobe, choosing a fragrance requires a certain level of introspection. It can be directly tied to a potential willingness to explore yourself on a deeper level. “Someone who wears something very specific probably has an awareness of themselves,” says Emma Vernon, matchmaker and founder of The Perfume Room podcast. “They had to ask themselves reflective questions like: Who am I? How do I outwardly project that? What does that say about me?” Going against the grain of what’s popular at any given moment could signal a freedom of thought, a desire to connect with yourself, and possibly the capacity to handle a deeper connection with someone else.
While it’s not a definitive science, fragrance is a vast and complex art form. Like any other artistic medium, it is expressive, communicative, and deeply personal. “It’s not just an accessory of fashion or a status symbol,” says David Moltz, founder of D.S and Durga. Comparable to how artists make music, perfumers gather inspiration from their lives, memories, or desires to create a sensory experience for consumers. How the fragrance is interpreted or associated is left entirely up to you, informed by your own experiences.
For instance, only a few weeks after my aforementioned traumatic evening, it was just my luck that I had a chance run-in with a Sauvage ex from college. Naturally, I was inclined to ask him what colognes he had in his current rotation. Though the encounter was brief, after three years of no communication, he seemed different, evolved maybe—and so had his cologne. He went on to tell me how he now meticulously layers many fragrances like Bond No. 9 Lafayette Street and Prada Black, among other scents. He’s even sure to swap them out, depending on season or feeling. The alleged care that he put into on his fragrance combinations felt refreshing. It was a shocking deviation from the guy I’d dated three years prior, who didn’t seem to care about much at all. Though a new and improved beauty routine wasn’t nearly enough to make me forget the unfortunate demise of our relationship—another conversation reserved for my therapist—there was hope for him yet. And if that was the case, then maybe I didn’t have to fear Sauvage or the men that wore it.
Either way, it’d be nice to go out with someone who has a unique scent, something that’s not so easy to replicate or pinpoint. That way if things end badly, it would be a bit easier to move on without the constant reminder of what once was. And if things do go well, we have a nice scent to associate with happy memories. Vernon suggests shopping for a new scent together and making a date out of the whole experience. “That way, you get to know each other, and it ends with a gift,” she exclaims. You’ll make a new memory and know that you won’t hug your partner and smell the person that broke your heart, or the person whose heart you broke.
Though woodsy or musk fragrances have routinely been advertised for men, playing around with softer notes is a welcome deviation. “I actually like wearing flower perfumes, not mixed florals, but a singular flower scent,” Moltz says. “A guy that shows up smelling like rose or just lilac is confident and badass.” He likened this energy to Fred Astaire famously wearing a gardenia pinned to his lapel—effortlessly cool and singularly unique. Many companies like D.S. and Durga, DedCool, or Byredo have moved away from binary scents entirely and toward genderless fragrances, removing a boundary that limits how we experienced scent. “It’s more about a feeling,” Vernon says. “It should be less about whether this [fragrance] is masculine or feminine, just that it smells hot.”
More than anything, the real growth lies in the journey, Sinks explains. “As long as you find something that reflects you, or are searching for it, then that’s super cool,” he says. “If we’re being honest, you’re probably going to scar someone with that scent too, niche or not.”
Whether you and an ex split amicably, or you blocked each other on social media and vowed never to speak again, there are tons of things that will likely remind you of them. Sabrina Carpenter even sang about how just picking up a fork reminded her of an ex in the first lines of her song “How Many Things.” Scent just so happens to be one of those beautiful—albeit sometimes cruel—reminders that will always connect us and keep our memories alive and well.
So, will you ever escape your ex? Maybe not. But you can at least find satisfaction in knowing that every time they smell Coco Mademoiselle, or catch even the slightest whiff of vanilla, they probably can’t escape you either.
Cosmic Cowboy
Fahrenheit
Radical Rose Extrait
$390.00 at matiere-premiere.us
Althair Eau de Parfum
La Foret
Vetivertissimo
Replica Under the Lemon Tree
I Don’t Know What
Bois Imperial
$100.00 at essentialparfums.com
Palermo
Angels’ Share
Coastal Cypress & Sea Fennel
Roark’s Cove
Men’s Vetiver Eau de Toilette
$125.00 at saksfifthavenue.com
Cherry Smoke
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