Why More and More Couples Are Headed Towards a Gray Divorce
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The term "gray divorce" — also known as divorce for married couples over the age of 50 — is a hot topic these days. We see it happening a lot recently in pop culture, with both Bill and Melinda Gates and Hugh Jackman and Deborra-Lee Jackman calling it quits after nearly three decades together. But it's not just happening with celebrities: Between 1990 and 2017, the divorce rate has doubled in this age group, while divorce in younger couples has seemingly dropped and leveled off. Now, one in four divorces in the U.S. is among those over the age of 50.
"With life expectancy increasing and less social stigma attached to gray divorce, many couples are less likely to settle and to remain in an unhappy marriage," says Ellen J. Klausner, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist with a private practice in New York and Connecticut.
Financial strain and infidelity are two common reasons among all age groups for marital strife. But couples over the age of 50 also cope with complex life transitions and societal changes that can throw their relationships for a loop. Retirement, newly discovered health challenges, evolving marital roles and opportunities for financial independence and children moving away can all surface deeper issues and also bring about newfound tension, as well as feelings of loneliness, fear and even awkwardness.
"Couples who have been together for years may become comfortable in their relationship, forgetting to prioritize their spouse without even realizing it," says Dr. Catherine Nobile, Psy.D, a New York-based licensed clinical psychologist and the Director of Nobile Psychology. "Your interests, values, and life aspirations change as you age. This can leave you lonely if you do not consistently communicate with your spouse about these changes."
Of course, even if you experience hardship and change in your marriage at this age, it doesn't mean you're headed for the courthouse. Still, experts agree there are a few key "warning signs" that your marriage may be headed for a gray divorce if the issues aren't addressed.
Signs of a gray divorce
You've grown apart
Dr. Nobile and Dr. Klausner have seen in their experience that the biggest signal of a potential impending divorce after age 50 is the gradual build-up of distance in the marriage. Your interests no longer align, your values differ or you just don't enjoy spending time together anymore. After being together for so long, you may put each other on the back burner or learn that you've developed differing priorities or physical desires. This — paired with the pressure of some of the previously mentioned life transitions — can be a recipe for resentment and eventual divorce.
"If couples stop enjoying activities together or no longer prioritize communicating their feelings or spending time together, a decline in connection is likely. Both members of the couple have to value the relationship in order to get out of autopilot and connect," Dr. Nobile adds.
You're not adjusting well after the kids have left
"Empty nest syndrome"— or, the grief families feel when their children move away — can be a large factor in creating distance, says Dr. Klausner. When kids go off to college or start families of their own, the couple must learn to reconnect and define themselves outside of their roles as parents. This adjustment is far from easy, and for some it leads to fights, lack of communication and grief.
"While acknowledging the continuation of their relationships with their children, grandchildren, extended family and friends, many couples realize that those relationships aren’t enough to sustain the 'glue' that kept the marriage together in the past," says Dr. Klausner.
Parents will often first try to stay in a marriage out of believing it's best for their children. But this could also depend on financial status and the need for stability. If an adult child is financially independent, the couple may feel more freedom to divorce.
You're arguing about the little stuff more often
In every marriage, there are arguments and misunderstandings — both big and small. But if you happen to notice them occurring more frequently, especially over more minor issues or inconveniences, this could point to a deeper set of problems.
"When the conflict involves significant criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling, the likelihood of divorce increases even further," says Dr. Nobile.
One of the biggest arguments for older married couples revolves around finances, especially as one spouse or both consider what life after retirement may look like. When one partner has different spending habits than the other, this can throw off the couple's long-term goals and stability, lead to more secrecy in the marriage (i.e. hiding bills or making big purchases) and even financial peril. Concerns about asset divisions and long-term security can put tremendous pressure on a marriage after retirement and can even end a relationship if both parties can't find common ground.
There's less investment
Emotional withdrawal can take on many forms — avoiding physical intimacy (kissing, holding hands, sex, etc.), not being supportive of your partner during difficult times or even seeking advice and support elsewhere are all signs your marriage could be on the rocks.
One of the more subtle signs that your partner is withdrawing is leaving you out of future-planning conversations. If you notice your spouse not asking for your opinions on anything to do with your finances, goals or aspirations down the road, this could point to a divorce mindset.
There's more secrecy
Generally, do you sense things are just... off? They're being secretive about their Facebook conversations or stepping out of the room more often to take a phone call. Maybe a large bill came in the mail that you weren't expecting. Perhaps your spouse is spending more time away from home and not asking you to join them.
Of course, the worst thing your mind may jump to is cheating. Moreover, Dr. Nobile believes these changes in routines could be a sign of one partner creating distance or contemplating a divorce. Then again, talking with your spouse and being honest is the only way you'll truly discover what's really going on.
How to avoid a gray divorce
Assuming you are safe in your marriage and wish to reconcile, it's important to have an honest and open discussion. Be prepared for a tough, emotional conversation. Being authentic about how you're feeling or how you are perceiving their actions is never easy, but it is a key first step toward potential repair.
If you are the one not happy in your marriage, do not threaten with the "d-word" unless you really mean it. Rather, focus the conversation on what you both need and want out of your relationship now and in the future that you're not currently getting and try to identify together what might be happening.
"Is the good greater than the bad? Imagine how your relationship was when it first started and pinpoint what has changed," Dr. Nobile advises. "This can help you to understand if the relationship could be fixed by putting in effort like you used to once the relationship was fresh."
After reflecting and talking it out — sometimes multiple conversations and a bit of time are necessary for meaningful change to occur — the next steps could include seeking professional marriage counseling advice. An expert specializing in couples therapy can help couples decide whether reconciliation is possible or if divorce is the right path. Dr. Klausner points to resources aimed at couples over 50 at the American Psychological Association and AARP as great places to start online.
The following books may also aid a spouse and/or couple in arriving at their decision, according to Dr. Nobile:
Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples: Third Edition
Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
How to cope with a gray divorce
Sometimes, the couple and/or one spouse may conclude that the marriage is truly over. In this case, Dr. Nobile says it's crucial to first consider and prepare for the profound emotional and lifestyle side effects of gray divorce:
Sorrow and loss: It is difficult to deal with the loss of an intimate partner in a marriage over time; it might mean the loss of not only your relationship but also the life you hoped for together.
Identity crisis: Many individuals may struggle with their sense of identity post-divorce, especially if they define themselves primarily through their marriage or family roles.
Financial instability: The end of marriage means a dramatic decline in income and finances, especially if you are financially dependent on your partner. Women over 50 have it especially harder. A 2020 study shows women can experience a 45% decline in their standard of living for gray divorce compared to a 21% decline for men.
New living arrangements: Finding new housing can be challenging and expensive.
Depending on the circumstances of the marriage, it may not be all doom and gloom, however. Gray divorce may liberate some from any constraints they may have felt within their marriage, and grant them the ability to better their self-esteem and explore their true self.
"New paths may be followed that were not possible within the marriage," Dr. Klausner notes. "Some individuals feel the freedom to 'come out' in late life leading to a new identity and increased satisfaction and pleasure."
No matter what you're feeling, it's important to consider joining a support group — either in person or online — filled with others going through a divorce so that you feel less alone. It's also a good time to find a community with similar hobbies, volunteer, take an adult education class and reach out to your friends and family who can help you cope.
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