Woman Confronts Boyfriend After He Lends Money to Ex; Now They're 'at an Impasse' with 'Weird Tension'

A woman is seeking advice after her boyfriend of six years lent money to his ex-girlfriend, causing "weird tension" that neither of them "know how to resolve fully."

In a post shared on Reddit, the woman, 28, writes that while she and her boyfriend, also 28, have a great relationship and that he is "sweet, patient, thoughtful," his ex continues to come between them.

The ex, who dated the woman’s boyfriend for a year before their relationship began, had a tumultuous and toxic dynamic with him, according to the post. The woman alleges the ex was struggling with significant mental health challenges, and that her behavior affected the boyfriend to the point of jeopardizing his academic performance. After she cheated on him a second time, he ended the relationship and blocked her on social media.

However, the poster writes that it isn't in her boyfriend's nature to hold grudges, so he unblocked the ex after a year. Since then, the ex has continued to initiate contact with the boyfriend.

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"She's gotten bolder since the pandemic, even commenting how happy (me and my boyfriend) look in our pictures on social," the poster writes. Her boyfriend engages with the ex minimally, saying thanks or greeting her back.

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"My boyfriend is transparent about these things, and I'm generally unbothered," she writes. "I did ask him if replying to her, even if dryly, might be doing more harm than good (she might think it's okay to keep talking to him, which would then be something I WILL be bothered by). He said I was right and promised not to respond at all anymore."

The situation took a turn recently when the ex reached out to the boyfriend asking for financial help, explaining that she had recently been disowned, kicked out and hospitalized for mental health issues.

The boyfriend sent his ex $500, a choice he made without consulting his girlfriend. The couple, who live together, share expenses but maintain separate finances. He assured his girlfriend that he did not plan to engage further with the ex, but the decision unsettled her.

"I thought, well, tough," she writes. "I had an ex cheat on me too, and I'm not lending him a dime even if he fell on hard times. My boyfriend doesn't share the sentiment. He said he lent her money ($500) and isn't expecting it back. He didn't open her message explaining what had happened though, nor does he plan to reply. He just sent her money and that was it."

The woman confronted her boyfriend about the situation, expressing her concerns that his actions violated their previously agreed-upon boundaries regarding the ex, she continues.

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"He said he understands where I'm coming from but that respectfully he can decide what to do with his money. I told him pretty much everything here, but we ended up at an impasse with neither one backing down. I feel by talking about this, I've created some weird tension that neither of us knows how to resolve fully. There's just such a huge fundamental difference in how we'd tackle this situation that I also wonder if I'm maybe projecting in some way (?)," the woman writes.

One commenter on the post affirmed the woman's position, writing "You did nothing wrong in sharing your feelings with him about this toxic ex and his communication with her. He told you he promised not to respond to her any more - but then he not only responds to her, he gives her $500. While it is his money to do with as he wishes, he also made a commitment to you that he broke. "

Another commenter agreed, recommending that the poster take a hard line against her partner: "He has a right to do what he wants with his money, but you have a right to decide what you'll put up with from your partner. For me, this would be a dealbreaker."

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