People Are Talking About How "Therapy Speak" Is Hurting Friendships, And It's An Important Conversation

Trying to maintain friendships as an adult can feel a little tricky, between trying to plan get-togethers months out in advance due to busy schedules or having people ghost at the drop of a hat. However, while there have been plenty of discussions across social media about how to communicate within friendships as of late, a recent topic about being an "inconvenience" to our friends — whether by asking for favors or sharing big life problems — has taken center stage.

Amelia discussed this issue at length by posting a TikTok about how she believes it's more than okay to ask friends for a ride to the airport, even during rush hour. "Actually, it's more than okay — it's radical," she said.

Amelia goes on to explain how late-stage capitalism might be negatively affecting how we connect with others, especially our friendships. "There's this thing called the 'Small Favors Economy,' and the idea is essentially that in the past, people used to rely on their community, their network, or neighbors for small favors. Things like rides to the airport. Things like a cup of sugar. Things like borrowing a dress for an event — but now, with 'late-stage capitalism,' those things all seem rude for us to ask because we can just do them ourselves. We can just call an Uber instead of inconveniencing a friend, or we can order a dress on Amazon and have it get there tomorrow. Or we can Postmate our groceries instead of asking around if anyone has anything," she said.

She goes on to say that these behaviors can drive us further into isolation from our friends, which may only benefit companies who are trying to sell stuff to us on our phones. "Honestly, I think we all need to get a little comfortable with the idea of inconvenience; it's really not that bad. And in this case, it can be really good — like if you ask your friend for a favor, they'll ask you for a favor, and it's a great cycle and a great way to deepen our friendships and stop the loneliness epidemic," she said.

While Amelia's TikTok garnered a lot of attention (over one million views), Chelsea Fagan, CEO of The Financial Diet and author of A Perfect Vintage, added another valid point to the conversation with a stitched TikTok. "First of all, she is absolutely right, and she should say it ... but I would also like to say that this is partially the fault of our current discourse around mental health and therapy," she said.

"Like, don't get me wrong: I'm definitely glad that it's less stigmatized to have certain mental illnesses — although a lot of them are still extremely stigmatized — but the way we often talk about mental health and self-care now is so hyper individual that it's basically antagonist to the concept of community," she explains. "Like everything is a zero-sum game, where doing something for someone else inherently takes away from you rather than building strong social ties that will serve you through your whole life. And it's made it where I think a lot of people are genuinely afraid to ask for favors because it's now viewed as a kind of 'intrusion.'"

After both videos were published, many people resonated with these perspectives. For instance, one person stated how being an inconvenience is a part of friendships.

While another person made it clear about how they feel about their friendship with others.

When we reached out to Amelia about her video, she explained that she believes there are a few different reasons why people have begun to believe being an inconvenience to loved ones has become such a huge point of contention for people. "There are so many factors at play here, but I do think technology is a main driver," she told BuzzFeed. "When you have Uber and InstaCart at your fingertips, it seems like asking for a favor from a friend or family member is more of an inconvenience because now, you can do it easily yourself. And America, especially white American culture, already had such a 'bootstrap' and 'do it yourself' mentality that these apps and services really latch onto."

Layne Baker, LMFT, licensed therapist and relationship expert, seems to agree with Amelia. "Late-stage capitalism and technology put a lot of emphasis on people functioning independently, which can greatly impact not only how, but how often, we engage in our friendships and connect with others on a deeper level." She explained that this idea can "blunt our opportunities for strengthening connections." "It can erode the notion that it's even 'acceptable' to ask a loved one for something you can accomplish on your own," she added.

On the other hand, Amelia also believes that people are afraid of being an inconvenience to others because of the current discourse around friendship expectations and boundaries. "I think social media can spark a subconscious fear of asking for too much and then being ridiculed for it online," she began. "There is so much conversation online about what being a good friend is, what being an asshole is, and everyone has different standards — but everyone has an opinion. I think that can subconsciously drive people apart from one another as well."

Layne believes that this current discourse around boundaries — while incredibly important — could be in the spotlight because, as a society, we have gone so long without really acknowledging boundaries within our relationships. "So it makes sense that the opposite of all this boundary-lacking would be 'perfect, iron-clad boundaries' that help us center ourselves and our needs, take on much less, and deprioritize the comfort and expectations of others," she explained.

However, just like Chelsea mentioned in her video, Layne explained that the notion of "perfect boundaries" with loved ones is, in and of itself, an unrealistic expectation to have of yourself and others. "It suggests that boundaries are rigid and fixed no matter the relationship, meaning, once you set them, there is no room for nuance," she said. "Healthy boundaries contain a certain level of flexibility in safe, trusting relationships: 'Even though I said yes to Favor A, I don’t have room to help with/don’t want to do Favor B, and I trust that my ‘no’ will be respected by the person asking.'" That's why asking for favors, giving favors, and sharing 'minor inconveniences' can only exist within safe and trusting relationships and not abusive ones, Layne said.

Physician, behavioral expert, and author of Unstoppable Brain: The New Neuroscience That Frees Us From Failure, Eases Our Stress, and Creates Lasting Change, Dr. Kyra Bobinet, agrees and adds that the only way someone can feel more comfortable "being an inconvenience" (or having "social vulnerability" as Dr. Kyra coins it) is if both people's idea of safety and trust are similar and they both have the ability — and safe space — to practice vulnerability from an empowered place within the relationship. "We are only concerned with being an inconvenience if we are fearful of feeling vulnerable to the judgment of others or even ourselves for being 'needy,'" she explained.

However, Dr. Kyra also points out that even the "small favors economy” idea reinforces the capitalism we're trying to escape. "This belief that the kindness between us humans is an economy is almost as toxic as getting our needs met by the transactional, capitalistic economy (e.g., Amelia's example of Uber instead of a friend driving you to the airport) because it A) turns people into objects and transactions instead of humans we should care for and trust to care for us, and B) propagates the belief that we are alone; that we have to look out for ourselves and broker our needs, if not with Uber, now with a friend," she explained.

Although there may be truth behind this, it's important to recognize and acknowledge that this discussion is through an able-bodied lens that assumes an individual has the ability to choose to do something on their own without the help or need of someone else. When, in fact, 1 in 4 adults have some type of disability in the US, according to the CDC. Add mental health into the conversation, and it becomes a layered and complex topic as disabled individuals may depend on these technologies that aid in late-stage capitalism just to get things done.

That's why, regardless of the situation, having and building a safe community that not only encourages individuals to lean on one another but also encourages open and judgment-free communication is vital so everyone feels cared for. "Relying on others (and encouraging others to rely on you!) is one way to put some care-filled work into your relationships," Layne said.

"Just because you’re able-bodied and can do something on your own doesn’t mean you have to do it one hundred percent of the time. Sure, sometimes it might be more efficient to just take care of a need by yourself — and that is perfectly okay," Layne added. "But as human beings, we are relational creatures and don’t do very well in isolation. We need connection and thrive in community. Those things aren’t just 'nice to haves' — they’re crucial to the health of our human experience."

Also, not solely relying on yourself for every need and service helps to normalize seeking assistance from others for those in your community who aren’t able to do certain things on their own. This mindset can also contribute to a more inclusive experience of asking for (and accepting) support for everyone, Layne explained.

Remember: being an "inconvenience" or "socially vulnerable" with others is a sweet way to show your love to the people you care about if they replicate with kindness and respect, Amelia said. "It’s actually really nice to feel needed and to show up for others when they need you," she said. "My friends know I’m good for an airport ride — the Uber lots are a hellscape I wouldn’t put my worst enemy through — and I know they’ve got me, too."

What are your thoughts on being an "inconvenience" within friendships? Tell us in the comments below.