Women Are Sharing The “Icks” About Men They Ignored That Only Ended Up Getting Way, Way Worse
As women, we're often socialized, especially when we're young, to tolerate bad, uncomfortable, and even outright unacceptable behavior from men. I mean, how many times were you told "boys will be boys" as a child? It was practically a mantra when I was growing up — and I'm not even that old.
Sometimes, this conditioning teaches us to dismiss the "icks" and gut feelings that arise in our relationships with men. We may brush the red flags aside, hold out hope, or convince ourselves things might improve (even if we know, sometimes, deep down, they will not). None of this is our fault; it's a direct result of how we were raised.
Because this is all too common, we asked women of the BuzzFeed Community to share the "icks" in their relationships with men they quietly ignored that eventually turned out to be a huuge issue down the line. Here's everything they shared:
1."He was very persistent. He kept asking me out so many times, and then one day, I felt like, 'Why not?' so I gave him a try. We didn't last that long, but he definitely turned out to be such a D-bag. The thing is, in every single story I know of the guy being super persistent about asking a woman out, and she finally gave in, he ended up being a red flag and made her miserable. Every time."
2."Early into dating, he went nuclear on a light-hearted, lovingly-meant roast/joke I said (It was just a little pun. He said a particular combination of words which reminded me of an old, well-known dog food commercial, so I repeated the dog food commercial tagline). He immediately went ballistic, screamed at me and, accused me of calling him a dog, refused to talk all day after that. It was bizarre. But I let it slip since I knew he had a stressful day ahead."
"Oh boy, was I wrong. This was only the tip of the iceberg... You can imagine how this turned out. My whole personality faded. I was walking on eggshells 24/7. Yes, he is now an ex-partner (after one year)."
—kaa
3."I'm a high schooler, and my first relationship was with a stage-five gym rat. I looked past it at first because I thought it was just a hobby or he really cared about his health. But soon, more came to light. He had a public weightlifting Instagram account with like 500 posts. It was all he talked about. He even once told me, 'My friends think you're only with me for my muscles' (smug laugh). It even got to the point where he would say, 'I have the best physique of any 16-year-old in the state' (For context, we lived in CA)."
"He even tried to get me on a diet after I revealed my weight (still a healthy weight). He would ask me how many calories I ate per day, and after he recommended I started counting calories, I responded, 'I don’t think that’s necessary, and I don’t want to develop any kind of eating disorder' to which he responded, 'That’s just an excuse weak people make!' So after I realized he was 10x more obsessed with himself than with me, I broke things off. (Cue ‘Feather’)."
4.Similarly, "He started making subtle comments about my size and me needing to lose weight. I let them go and made no effort to change myself for him, and his comments became more and more hurtful. Ultimately, I ended things because he delivered a statement that I still know word-for-word five years later because of how devastating it was. Ladies, don't stick with someone who's not going to build you up. Our worth is not determined by our bodies."
—Anonymous
5."Money issues!! He had a good-paying job, and the red flags initially made sense. He traveled a lot for his job and would lose his license and credit cards, but I understood it's hard to get replacements sent when you're always on the move. Sometimes, his company card wouldn't get activated for hotels to check in, so we'd use mine. Or, the cards on his Apple wallet were locked for going out of state, and the bank wouldn't unlock them until Monday. At first, I was suspicious but didn't mind helping him out as it always 'made sense.'"
"But then, he'd want to take me out for drinks or fancy dinners and ask to pay me back. He had me get my nails done often and pay for it later. I don't get my nails done, so I clarified that was his expense. Yet, he somehow had cards available to buy a new iPhone or watch, and he always had a card to get hammered at airport bars and on flights."
(Cont'd) I finally started adding up how much he owed me in four months… $3,000. That's not even including the gifts my mom bought for him because his child support was higher for the holidays, the hundreds he owed my guy friends who would take him out drinking when he came to town, or the gas he used when he borrowed my car. I have no issue being with a guy who doesn't have money, but perhaps stay in your lane financially regarding lifestyle."
—Anonymous
6."He never used toothpaste or soap. He was always talking about his great hygiene habits, but water just doesn’t cut it. I couldn’t do it anymore and ended the relationship."
—Anonymous
7."We had been dating for three months (both in our late 20s) before he let me come to his instead of him coming to mine. When I got there, his place was filthy. I'm talking months-old piles of pizza boxes and dirty laundry everywhere. A bed with a dirty sheet half falling off it. Overflowing ashtrays and piles of empty bottles. I ignored my initial red flag warning and told myself I shouldn't be snobby and judgemental and that this was the sort of thing that someone could grow out of with help and support. Stupidly, I ended up marrying him."
"Of course, the hoarding ended up being the tip of the iceberg of an unwillingness to learn how to be a grown-up, take responsibility for anything, or do any of the mental load of looking after a household (and the empty bottles turned out to be a much bigger problem than I thought, as well). It wasn't my job to fix him or teach him how to be a grown-up. We got divorced, and I'm now engaged to a man who does his own washing up, makes his own doctors' appointments, and gets a real kick out of getting tough stains out of the laundry."
—Anonyous
8."The 'victim card.' What I mean by that is the subtle venting about his job, his untrained dog, his hard work not being recognized, etc. At first, I related (who wouldn’t, right?) but the 'woe is me' started to become overwhelming with no solution to better the situation. He started to take his frustrations out on me. I'd wake up every morning wondering what version of him I’d get that day."
"I had just ended a relationship, bettered myself, and became independent, and now I had to listen to an adult baby complain about how nothing went his way when he had a job, a good family, a roof over his head, and food on his plate. The best part was when he suggested moving in with me after I bought a house on my own and quitting his job without direction (he worked at a gym as an instructor). I was not about to become his sugar mama. I noped out."
—Anonymous
9."I once dated a guy who was super involved with his Godkids. Their mom was a good friend of his from high school. As I was a mother of two at the time, I was super turned on by this fact. Fast forward four or five months into our relationship, he started putting me down for having kids. He said things like, 'Most men would just cheat on you a lot behind your back instead of telling you how big of a turn-off it is to your face!'"
"When I brought up the fact he helps his friend and her five kids willingly, he responded that he likes the feeling of being a 'savior' and the way other people view him because of it. Gag. Still makes me repulsed to this day."
10."I never minded my (ex) boyfriend subscribing to models on OnlyFans, as I've never been one to shame pornography use or sex work — do what ya gotta do. What became a problem was, ahem, when I caught him buying a specific woman's OnlyFans pictures... aka, his friend whom he knew very well and we hung out with regularly."
"The kicker is that he made a profile with a totally different name and a totally different email address, so she had no idea it was him buying them either. Yeahhhh, big, big ick."
11."He was a compulsive liar and gaslighter, and I ignored it because I wanted to be in a relationship SO BADLY. We met on a dating app, and he had listed his current city as mine, but he was actually moving here soon. Our first date was the day he moved to town, and he showed up in baggy clothing because everything 'was in boxes in his car.' He was telling the truth about that, and I chose not to be judgmental about his first-date outfit. I also ignored the initial thought of, 'Who looks for a date when you haven't even moved into your new place yet and then doesn't tell their date that?'"
"Then, he lied to me about his name (yep, he sure did) and about his birthplace. He also used an older picture in his profile where he looked much different. Later, he'd tell me it was fine if I brought my dog over to his apartment but would yell at me about hygiene issues, claim I never washed my hands even though he literally saw me do it, and then tell me I hated sex just because one time while watching a movie he started tickling me, and I told him to stop. It was ick-gaslighting lies like this that I consistently ignored. But, get this: HE DUMPED ME. ON MY BIRTHDAY."
—Anonymous
12."He said there was a family party at his parent’s house. It would be a great way to meet everyone. No need to dress up. So, I go…all bright-eyed and ready to greet his kin. When we arrived I noticed an odd 'vibe' in the room. Everyone seemed so low-key. It turns out he had invited me to a WAKE for his uncle who had just died from Huntington’s disease! Not only that, but there was a young niece who was already obviously afflicted with the same terminal illness. WHAT WAS HE THINKING? I married him anyway. WHAT WAS I THINKING?"
13."I was asked out by a widower whose wife had passed away eight years previously. On our date, he brought her urn (containing her ashes) to a very nice restaurant. I felt sorry for him and understood he was grieving, so I tried to get past it. However, the first time he invited me over to his house, he had naked pictures of her all over the place. I could not get out of there fast enough."
—Anonymous
14."Things got serious really fast with this guy I started seeing a few months ago. We only lasted three weeks, but it felt like months together. He told me he loved me three days in. I was confused, but I went with it (that's the first ick). It got worse. So much worse!!!"
"Turns out he's an aggressive and mean drunk and seriously insecure. I ended up leaving him when he got mad at me for using Facebook marketplace because, in his mind, I was 'clearly cheating' on him (spoiler alert, reader: I was not). He then proceeded to insult me, my cats, and my mother while I packed my stuff and got the eff out of there. Ladies, theydies, and gentlemen, if it feels weird, don't think it's just because he's not your usual type! It's because it IS weird."
—Anonymous
15."An ex of mine had two large dogs but would often spend nights at mine during the week because of my work schedule. I always wondered how the dogs faired at night, but he never said anything negative about the arrangement, so I figured everything was okay. One weekend, we were at his house, and I had brought some laundry to do. He kept offering to take it down to the basement for me, but I insisted I could do it, not knowing the horrors that awaited me downstairs."
"Piles of dog poop, EVERYWHERE! The smell made my eyes water even. I should have broken up with him that day, but I let my disgust destroy all affection and intimacy in our relationship. I was so disgusted by the neglect of his animals and how vile the basement was I let it rot our relationship just like the dog poop in his house."
—Anonymous
16."The first time we were intimate, his big, goofy dog jumped on the bed. The guy quickly asked if I minded. It was an immediate ick to have the dog excitedly beat us to the bed before sexy time, but I took a deep breath and let it go. Plus, this guy would openly and proudly remark that you shouldn't blame pets for their behaviors as it's the owner's fault for allowing, training, or lack of. He was absolutely correct, and boy, did that lull me into a false sense of security!"
"Turns out the dog had crippling anxiety, zero boundaries, and regularly treated the bed (along with everything else) as if it were his own. As a result, this adult man was accustomed to sleeping on grimy, torn sheets that, even when freshly washed, smelled faintly of a recently walked dog. The first time I brushed off the visible debris and started to wipe the sheet with an anti-bacterial soaped towel, the guy looked at me like I was performing an unnecessary sacrilege and asked what I was doing with full audacity. I was just trying not to have to think of laying on the bedroom equivalent of a downtown sidewalk."
(Cont'd) "Despite my pushback and mentions of training, he was perfectly fine with acting like he and the animal were littermates. Ick. THEN, towards the end of the relationship, the dog started to piss the bed. Dude bought mattress covers, cleaners, and added a supposed 'dog-specific' blanket to the bed — anything but giving his 90-lb lap dog some boundaries.
"For the record, I never blamed the dog. It wasn't his fault. In fact, I adored the big doofus. So yeah, I was out here tolerating filth for the sake of love and a relationship. Never again will I compromise my standard for clean, animal-free sheets."
—Anonymous
17."We met on Hinge and I lived an hour away with my parents after university. I made it clear I was looking for a relationship. He was four months out of a four-year relationship. That should have been my first red flag. After we had sex for the first time on the third date, he said, 'Wow, Hinge finally worked.' Huge ick looking back now. He also constantly told me about this religious girl he went on a date with (but couldn't be with because he wasn't religious), who he referred to as stunning and gorgeous but never complimented me the same way."
"This was my first sort-of relationship at 24 that turned into a situationship. I had always planned on moving to his city before we met, but I definitely sped up my timeline because of him. The week after I moved in, he wasn’t communicating with me. The day after we saw each other for the first time since I moved, he took me on a date and then, at the end, dumped me out of the blue, saying he 'was too anxious and just wasn’t ready for a relationship' (Yet, he proceeded to be back on Hinge within a week and have a new girlfriend two months after dumping me). Two years later, I’ve gone through massive personal growth and have the most incredible boyfriend now."
—Anonymous
18."I was set up on a date with a guy about 8 years older than me. I was 30 and divorced with twins, and he was very open to the fact that I had kids. On our first date, he kept GUSHING about his mom and how amazing she was. He told me, point blank, that NO ONE came before his mother. I was caught off guard and thought it was a bit icky that this man, who was almost 40, was so obsessed with his mom. Still, I went out with him again because I thought I should give him more of a chance."
"I asked about any significant exes, and he said that he was never married but bought a ring for his ex of four years while they were still together. However, she left him for another man, apparently her high school sweetheart, and it left him heartbroken. When I told him what a shame it was, he responded with, 'Yeah, well, she's dead. My mom said she got what she deserved for leaving me. So, the joke's on her.' I almost choked on my chicken! Apparently, she was struck by a car, a hit and run, and died after being in a coma. The joy with which he said it was disturbing... I did NOT accept another date."
—Anonymous
And lastly:
19."His relationship with his aunt who raised him. I respect being grateful and protective of your maternal figure, but he'd talk about her constantly, no matter the situation, any opportunity to bring her up, even during our intimate moments. He's in his mid-40s and can't spend the night because she disagrees with him being out with women 'like that.' She would text him nonstop if she knew he was with me."
"I later discovered she did this and had issues with every woman before me. Yet, if he told her he was going out with the guys, she wouldn't contact him at all. If we spent too much time together, she would give him a guilt trip, and he’d take it out on me; it was a never-ending battle."
(Cont'd) "I didn’t spend much time with her. She had a very uncomfortable demeanor. The only time we were alone in a room, we had a brief conversation about a recent loss in their family. I extended my condolences and told her she could call me if she needed anything. It was a conversation that lasted no more than two minutes."
"A year later, he told me that she said I was rude and made vicious remarks to her about him. This created a huge argument because I told him she was lying. We had to hide the last few months of our relationship from her because she threatened to move to a shelter if I was still in his life (since I called her a liar). Good riddance to both of them."
—Anonymous
Have any of your own "icks" to share that turned into a huge problem down the line? Maybe it wasn't in a relationship, but with a friend, family member, or coworker. Let us know in the comments or at this anonymous form.
