Women Who Used To Be In Unhealthy Relationships Are Revealing The Seemingly Little Things That Became Big Deals Later On

Carley Suthers
·13 min read

Unfortunately, it can be very easy to find oneself in an unhealthy relationship. While red flags might be obvious to those on the outside, a person can often overlook the reasons why a romantic partner isn't good for them and stay in a dysfunctional relationship for years. However, after a breakup, many of these individuals will realize they were in a toxic situation and make it their mission to warn others of the signs they missed...

Woman sitting on bed with head in hands, man in background looking away; both appear troubled
Witthaya Prasongsin / Getty Images

So, recently, when Redditor u/froofrootoo asked the r/AskWomenOver30 community, "What is a common mistake made by women who end up with someone they *don't* like as a person?" I knew I had to share some of the most insightful responses. From invalidated feelings to political differences — here are 17 seemingly little things women wish they had noticed while in unhealthy relationships:

1."I think a red flag that many women see as a green flag — and I certainly did when I was younger — is when a man is super close with his mom."

<div> <p>"Being able to identify enmeshment vs. a healthy relationship is important. There are men out there who — even after getting married and becoming a parent — will put their mother's feelings before your needs. It’s wild. </p> <p>Thankfully, I did NOT marry a guy like that, but I initially thought it was a red flag when I found out he never called his parents. But when shit hit the fan with them, his loyalty was to me and our kids, and that was that. There was no wishy-washiness over who mattered most to him, and he had no problem walking away from that toxic relationship. For women married to a mama’s boy, it’s difficult to be able to respect your husband and be attracted to him when he puts you and the family you created behind his mother."</p> <p>—<a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/1i024xn/comment/m6uof16/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:u/sourdoughobsessed;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">u/sourdoughobsessed</a></p> </div><span> Jackf / Getty Images/iStockphoto</span>

2."That super masculine look/vibe he's putting so much effort into? That's to impress other men, not you."

"Guys who care more about the opinions of other men rather than what women think are terrible partners to women. They are almost always massive misogynists, and they don't see you as a person whose thoughts and opinions matter. I have had better luck dating men who genuinely prefer socializing with women instead of men."

—u/Lythaera

3."If every one of his ex-girlfriends is 'crazy,' look at the common denominator."

"I decided to trust my ex when he said his girlfriend before me was 'crazy,' — which apparently led to the end of their relationship (They were together for over two years before she ended it).

I noticed that the details of how she was 'crazy' changed a lot. He said his high school ex was 'crazy' too, and almost every other girlfriend he’d ever had. It was always the woman's fault, but he would stay with them until she dumped him. I hear from mutuals now that he claims I was 'crazy' for the three years we dated, too. I think I dodged a bullet."

—u/Trilobitememes1515

4."One common mistake we, as women, make is not asking whether or not we truly trust a man — and I don't mean only in terms of not cheating. A good relationship needs way more trust than that."

A couple sits at a desk, smiling and holding hands, while talking to a professional in a white coat in an office setting

5."People who are too charismatic are usually hiding something. My ex-husband (and high school boyfriend) lied constantly to get people to like him. I didn't realize that until about 10 years in."

"He would lie about strange stuff. When we first started dating, The Sopranos was popular, and he tried to convince me his uncle was in the Mafia — which I guess sounded cool when I was 15. One of the last bizarre lies he tried to convince me of was that his heart was in his chest backward. That's when the jig was up.

On the other hand, my current husband very quickly laid all his cards on the table and told me many things about himself that weren't flattering, but he wanted me to know who he was. He always told me where he stood and clarified that he wanted a committed relationship.

Moral of the story: if it sounds sexy and too good to be true, it probably is."

—u/InNegative

6."This may be controversial, but here goes: politics absolutely matter."

"They're proxies for people's value systems, and if you're willing to vote for a party that wants to restrict the rights of women and people of color because 'the price of eggs' is too high, we don't have the same values.

Your vote tells me a lot about how you see the world, how much empathy you have for others, how informed you are, and whether or not you believe in progress. Politics is personal, and vice versa."

—u/interrobang2020

7."Not paying enough attention to language usage..."

A man and woman are engaged in a tense conversation by a window, with the man gesturing and the woman looking at him with a serious expression

8."Don't misinterpret him being antisocial for being deep and mysterious."

"If a guy is quiet and reserved, don't assume he's a mysterious box waiting to be unwrapped and discovered.

In reality, he's likely introverted, antisocial, and doesn't want to engage with you, your friends, or your family in the way a partner should."

—u/Strict_Succotash_388

9."Gratitude and appreciation are fine. But when you start considering him 'cute' or 'adorable' in that 'Oh my gosh, look at that lil' guy go' way, you've started seeing him as less capable. "

"I see so many women do the 'That's so sweet' response to things that are clearly token gestures that haven't been thought through. 'Omg, he bought me chocolate! I mean, I'm diabetic and need to watch my blood sugar, but isn't that so sweet?'

No, it's not sweet. Don't let 'it's the thought that counts' blind you to when he is being thoughtless.

A bungled gesture is still a bungle. Once in a blue moon is fine, but if every 'romantic' gesture is a case of 'but it was so sweet of him to even try,' ditch the relationship. You deserve someone who can court you properly, not a cute puppy that keeps pissing on the rug."

—u/madeupgrownup

10."Most guys I have dated initially presented themselves in a different light than the person they truly are. I urge you to trust your gut when their behavior makes you pause."

Two people sitting on a bench, facing each other. The person on the right looks surprised or confused, wearing glasses and a white turtleneck

11."Pay attention to the details of someone's past when you meet them. Ask questions about it, and then ask yourself whether the person they seem to have been before they met you is consistent with the person they appear to be now."

"If they claim to have had major personal growth right around the time they met you, that's suspicious. If they say they used to be messed up because of childhood trauma, but now they're totally fine and will never be anything like the way they used to be, it's unlikely they know that for sure. They're likely pretending to be far more recovered than they really are.

When people genuinely change, they tend to have stories about what inspired them to change, and the change needs to be longstanding before you (or they) can truly know whether it's a lasting change. A claim of 'I'm all better now' without a detailed explanation of how or why or for how long is inherently suspicious."

—u/queerbychoice

12."I joked for years in my marriage, 'I know he loves me, but I don’t think he likes me.' And maybe he did, but I’ve learned that it does not matter why someone does what they do to find a partner."

"I cannot love someone and turn them into who I want them to be. No amount of empathy or understanding on my part will turn an unsatisfying partnership into a good one.

I gain zero by sacrificing myself, and this person gets the best version of me. So, I’m now only picky regarding a few things. Grumps, angry men, bitter men, overly sarcastic men — all in the bin. Be nice or get out."

—u/thaway071743

13."Love bombing: In all my past relationships, men would go from zero to 100 by making grand declarations of love almost immediately. Even when my gut told me to run, I stayed."

Man in casual clothes gives a gift box to a smiling woman in a hijab sitting on a couch

14."If you say something to your man like: 'Hey, you did something insensitive that hurt or annoyed me, can we talk about it?' And he immediately responds: 'No, I didn't. Your feelings are wrong. Here's why you're wrong, and I'm right,' and follows up with a million justifications for his behavior until you drop it — that is a huge red flag."

"This communication style never resolves disagreements, and the guys never change or seek therapy. I had a zero-tolerance policy for this when I dated, and that's how I found my husband.

My husband always responds: 'Oops, my bad, are you okay? How can I make it better?' He doesn't take my feelings as personal attacks but seeks to understand and repair them. Sometimes, he explains why he said or did something, but only to help comfort me — never to prove I'm 'wrong.'"

—u/Unhelpful_Owl

15."If he has a habit of speaking disrespectfully to the other women in his life, he will be disrespectful to you as soon as he stops trying to win you over."

"My husband treats his sisters and mother well, and he has female friends and coworkers he respects. His favorite author is Agatha Christie.

I love him as a human being."

—u/blue_effect

16."Not currently partnered, but here's something I've learned: if you have to convince yourself that he's a great catch and you're making the right choice — you're definitely not."

"You're settling. Don't ever do that. If he's not an enthusiastic 'Hell yes!!'' Then he's not the one for you; I don't care how much of a 'nice guy' he is.

Every woman I know who settled only hurt herself in the long run. In 2025, I want women to stop brainwashing THEMSELVES into accepting things they don't really want."

—u/crazyHormonesLady

17."I got with my ex — who was a miserable and critical person — because he said all the right things. We rushed into marriage without knowing each other that well. I was very young, dumb, and insecure. I didn't like myself and worried about never finding love. I was easily fooled."

A person in a wedding dress sits on a couch looking at a phone, while someone in a suit stands nearby gesturing with a concerned expression

Did any of these "red flags" surprise you? Have you ever ignored little things in a relationship that became big issues later on? Let us know in the comments!

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.

If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault, you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE), which routes the caller to their nearest sexual assault service provider. You can also search for your local center here.

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