You're Probably Ruining Relationships With This Passive-Aggressive Behavior
You’ve probably given someone the silent treatment once or twice (or maybe even more than that). You know the drill — you and your partner get into a heated argument that ends with hurt feelings and no resolution. Then it turns into a few hours, or even a day or two, of not talking.
It’s not a great move, but it can be a natural reaction after a disagreement.
You may be afraid to share how you really feel about a tough situation, said Dan Suffoletta, a licensed mental health counselor at Self Space Therapy in Washington. Or it could be a response that’s ingrained in you after watching your parents give each other (or you or your siblings) the silent treatment, said Aparna Sagaram, a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Space to Reflect in Philadelphia.
There are lots of reasons why people do it, and therapists have lots of thoughts on this passive-aggressive behavior. Here’s what they say:
First, the silent treatment is not the same as taking space from someone, cutting someone off or emotionally shutting down.
“The silent treatment, I would say, is basically deciding that you’re not going to talk to someone, but you’re not telling them that you’re not talking to them,” Sagaram said. “I think that’s the key difference between the silent treatment versus the concept of taking space — when you take space, you’re letting this person know I need some time away from you ... you communicate that you need space.”
Setting a boundary where you communicate the space you need and why is very different from this. When giving someone the silent treatment, you haven’t actually told the person you’re not talking to them or that you were hurt by them. Instead, you just stop speaking to them, Sagaram explained.
When compared to the decision to cut someone out of your life, “the silent treatment seems like it’s more of a reaction to what you’re feeling in the moment,” she said.
“A cut-off is an intentional decision that you no longer want to have a relationship with this person, and either you can communicate that with that person, or you can also decide that you don’t want to communicate that decision with that person and just no longer speak to them,” Sagaram noted.
But with the silent treatment, you plan to resume communication eventually, even if you yourself don’t know how long the silence will last. It’s “an undefined but temporary period of time,” Suffoletta said.
More, people generally give the silent treatment to someone they want in their life, such as a partner.
“I want whoever I’m giving the silent treatment to be in my life in a different way, and I’m trying to get them to change how they interact with me by very visibly showing my displeasure,” Suffoletta explained. “It’s basically saying you lose access to me, or you’re being punished for something, whether it’s conscious or not. I’m trying to draw attention to my displeasure, and this is an attempt to be heard or to get needs met.”
The silent treatment also should not be excused as someone’s freeze response because they’re two very different things.
“Sometimes we get emotionally flooded, and I work with a ton of people where the words just don’t come in response to that threat,” Suffoletta said. “There can be the freeze response, there can be the overwhelm, and it’s just I’m not capable of speaking about this right now.”
But when it comes to the silent treatment, it’s done as a way to show someone you’re explicitly mad.
The silent treatment is not good for your relationships.
Whether you’re giving the silent treatment to your partner, parent, child, friend or colleague, it’s bad for your relationships.
“The silent treatment is pretty harmful to a relationship because it leaves the other person completely in the dark. They have no idea what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling, and it leads them to guess what you’re feeling,” Sagaram said. They may even check in over and over again to figure out what’s wrong, which will likely further annoy you.
The silent treatment also puts you in a position of power as the other person just waits for you to finally speak to them, she noted.
“Oftentimes, when the person is left in the dark, they start to ruminate ... and they might catastrophize,” Sagaram said. They may even be totally unaware that you’re upset.
“It creates a very unhealthy dynamic. It’s definitely something we do not want to encourage, even if you’re really upset with the person,” Sagaram added.
Think about what you hope you’ll get from giving someone the silent treatment.
While the silent treatment is certainly not an ideal response, it can be a natural one — especially if you grew up in a family where it was normal.
Ask yourself what you are hoping to accomplish by giving someone the silent treatment. Maybe you want someone to take accountability for something they did, or you want them to express remorse, or you want them to feel your absence, or you want them to show they care about you, Suffoleta said.
“These are maybe all the various reasons that we start giving someone the silent treatment, and it comes down to asking yourself, ‘OK, is this the best way for me to achieve these things? Is it the best way to achieve these things in the absence of communication?’” he said.
“By not talking to them, are we actually going to get the change in behavior we desire?” Suffoletta added.
That answer is probably no. Instead, you can think about what you can actually do to get the results you hope for, whether that’s having a conversation, setting a boundary or communicating that you need space.
It’s understandable if the silent treatment feels more comfortable in the moment — but it’s not in the long run.
“I think it’s also important to know that sometimes giving the silent treatment initially can feel good ... it can feel comfortable,” Sagaram said. “It feels safer to withdraw and stop talking to the person than it does to actually approach them and say, ‘Hey, this hurt me, but I’m not ready to talk about it.’”
But sometimes temporary discomfort is necessary for relationships to grow. If you communicate with the other person and let them know that you need to take some space for yourself, it’s a way to preserve the relationship, Sagaram noted.
Some time to cool off also lets you eventually get into a headspace where you can have that necessary difficult conversation about whatever set you off, Sagaram added.
Those conversations are necessary because the silent treatment is not a good way to get your point across. It’s a flat-out bad way to treat those you care about.
“Empathy can play a helpful role here as well,” Suffoleta said. “I think it can also be helpful to say, ‘When has someone given me the silent treatment? How did it make me feel? Is that a way that I want to make someone else feel?’”
Being iced out as punishment isn’t a way for relationships to grow, instead it’s a way to hurt them. While the silent treatment may feel safer, it’s not a fair way to treat those you love or a way to help your relationships flourish.
