The 1 Question You Should Never Ask Someone Who Isn't Drinking
Before she became a sober coach, Casey McGuire Davidson spent years working corporate jobs. Her weeknights were spent juggling office happy hours and girls’ night invites from her coworkers and friends.
When she cut back on her drinking, she’d often field questions and comments like “Aw, you’re not drinking?” or “Why aren’t you drinking?” when she passed up her usual red wine.
“I was always the one ready for a glass of wine, so when I stopped, I think it caught a lot of people off-guard,” said McGuire Davidson, who has been sober eight years now and hosts the podcast “The Hello Someday Podcast for Sober Curious Women.”
“Sometimes I would make an excuse, like I was not drinking because I was driving home or because I had an early workout, and my friends would pressure me to ‘just have one,’ ‘live a little’ or ‘have some fun,’” she said.
Unfortunately, those comments spoke to every insecurity McGuire Davidson had about not drinking: Was she only fun when she drank, and a total bore otherwise? Could she still be social without the social lubricant of a glass of cabernet? Was she ruining the night or letting others down by not participating?
If you’re not drinking because you’re on a sobriety journey and early in the process, all you want to do is fly under the radar.Casey McGuire Davidson, a sober coach
“If you’re not drinking because you’re on a sobriety journey and early in the process, all you want to do is fly under the radar,” she told HuffPost. “So the worst thing someone can do is make you feel guilty about not drinking, pressure you to drink or ask you why you’re choosing not to drink.”
At first, McGuire Davidson felt the need to over-explain herself, as if she needed to justify her health decision. But over time, she realized that her choice wasn’t something she owed anyone, even her nearest and dearest, an explanation for.
“It’s not about them ― it’s about what’s best for me, and that’s what matters most,” she said.
Like many recovering drinkers, she became quite good at responding to those “You aren’t drinking ― why?” inquiries. Below, she and others who’ve stopped drinking share a few pointers on how to address the often-awkward question.
Have a go-to response at your disposal.
Amy Liz Harrison, an author and podcast host, has been sober since 2011. After being caught off-guard by this question a few times, she realized she needed an easy, go-to phrase to chime in with.
“I came up with, ‘No, thank you, I discovered I’m actually allergic to alcohol.’ Or, ‘I’m going to pass, I’ve realized I’m allergic to alcohol,’” she said. “I usually followed that one up with the joke, ‘I break out in handcuffs.’”
For her, the line was effective because it shut down any additional conversation. At this point, most people are familiar with gluten-free diets and other dietary restrictions and food allergies.
Pick a go-to response that works for you, said Michael Walsh, a substance use and addiction specialist who regularly gives this same advice to his clients.
“Tell them you’re on a cleanse, or that you’re training right now or that you’re on medication and can’t consume alcohol ― they’ll leave you alone!” he said.
Of course, you don’t have to make an excuse, either, Walsh said. He likes to remind his clients that there’s way less judgment attached to being sober these days ― there’s “Sober October” and bars specializing in booze-free drinks ― and that it’s OK to just say, “Oh, I don’t drink” or “I’m good with just sparkling water right now.”
Frame it as a health and wellness challenge.
When McGuire Davidson first stopped drinking, she told everyone in her life that she was doing a “100 Day No Alcohol Challenge” so that she’d have more energy, sleep better and have less anxiety.
“By having a set time period of time when I was not drinking, it took away the ability of friends to encourage me to ‘just have one’ or to ‘just drink tonight,’” she said.
When she answered the question this way, McGuire Davidson noticed that people immediately started talking about their own fitness initiatives like running a 10K, buying a Peloton or their weekly yoga class.
“Sometimes people would talk to me about their own sleep challenges or whatever dietary changes they are making to increase energy or reduce anxiety,” he said. “Either way, it moved the conversation away from alcohol to a broader health topic quickly.”
Change the conversation.
As McGuire Davidson suggested, the goal is to shift the conversation to something less booze-related. So, along with your go-to phrase, it’s smart to have some conversation starters up your sleeve.
“After you say you’re not drinking, ask something like, ‘Have you traveled anywhere exciting lately?’ or ‘Are you reading anything interesting?’” Harrison said. “This quickly changes the subject without making a big deal out of it, allowing you to steer the conversation in a more comfortable direction.”
Don’t feel you owe anyone an explanation.
If you’re early in sobriety or simply taking a break from drinking, remember that ultimately, you don’t owe anyone an explanation, said David Hampton, a sobriety coach and the host of the “Positive Sobriety Podcast.”
“The interesting thing about our culture’s relationship to alcohol is that alcohol is about the only drug that we feel we must make an excuse for not using,” he said.
You don’t owe people an apology or explanation for not drinking any more than you owe them an explanation for why we go to the gym or see our dentist, Hampton said.
“There is no need to feel guilt or shame about self-care,” he said. “As we say in recovery, ‘No’ is a complete sentence.”
Act like a vegan.
Sometimes it helps to think of the choice to abstain from alcohol as being similar to choosing to live a vegetarian or vegan lifestyle, McGuire Davidson said.
“If someone didn’t eat meat, it would be ridiculous to imagine their friends guilting them into having ‘just one bite of a burger.’ It would be disrespectful and rude,” she said.
When you think about not drinking alcohol as a simple health and lifestyle choice, she said, it becomes easier to order a nonalcoholic beverage in the same way a vegetarian would opt for the vegan BLT instead of the steak.
Remember, your friendship is about so much more than getting buzzed.
It’s easy to feel guilty for not participating in the social aspect of drinking, especially if you used to be the one pouring the wine, McGuire Davidson said. But remember: You’re still showing up for your friends, just in a different way.
“I used to think I had to drink to bond, but now I realize I can be just as supportive, fun, and connected ― maybe even more so ― without alcohol,” she said. “When you reframe it as an act of self-care, that guilt starts to fade away. You’re making choices that support the best version of yourself, and that’s something to be proud of.”
