13 Sex Tips From Actual Sex Therapists And Professionals That Just Might Spice Up Your (Sex) Life
Thanks to Reddit's r/IAmA, over the years various sex therapists and professionals have taken to the subreddit to answer some of the most commonly asked questions and issues they come across. Here are some of their responses:
This post is for educational and informational purposes only. The advice given is not meant to replace therapy with your own provider.
On 'sexpectations':
"Often when there is no passionate kissing outside of the bedroom, a Sexpectation is created. This happens a lot for women. For example: 'If I kiss my partner passionately or give him a long, lingering hug then will he think that I want sex with him? When really I just want to kiss him and give a long lingering hug and not have it lead anywhere or have strings attached.' This leads to the woman avoiding passionate kissing so as to not lead her partner on. The best thing to do is to make sure that anything that is passionate or physical like kissing doesn't always lead to sex."
"Many of the clients I work with who describe having less interest in sexual activity than their partner typically express a sense of relief when intercourse (or other specific activities) is intentionally off the table for a period of time so that each partner can enjoy other sexual activities without the pressure and expectation that it should lead to intercourse. When there is open dialogue and an agreement that certain activities are off the table for a period of time, it can allow the partner who has less interest in sex to feel more freedom to explore other ways to be sexual and physical."
On initiating sex:
"I love the clear ask for sex! Having a clear signal rather than a vague reach (like a slight hand on the thigh) helps clear any ambiguity. Perhaps ask your partner what a is a way that they would like to be invited to sex."
On trying new things in the bedroom:
"Sex is truly an endless buffet, though if you are with the same person/people over a very long period of time, we can tend to lose sight of this. One helpful step can be to reflect on this: What activities are you already engaging in? Are there any elements that you (and your partner) can change/add to enhance the experience? Think five senses: anything you can do to shift any of your five senses during the experience is helpful. When we continue to have the experience that we're having the same 'boring' sex over and over without any spice, oftentimes that's partly due to a lack of engaging all the five senses in different ways."
"Communication is huge when it comes to having a sexually fulfilling life. Ideally, you'd be tag-teaming this brainstorming for novelty with your partner(s) so that it's a team effort and you can both contribute to the elements you're interested in giving a shot."
On making time for intimacy:
"Busy is going to happen. There is ALWAYS stuff going on, work, school, kids, vacation, Mom in town, a race to train for, holidays...the key is not to rely on spontaneity but rather be intentional and carve out time in your schedule weekly for the two of you to intentionally show up for the physical side of your relationship. If you think about it, one hour for the both of you a week is only, like, 0.6% of your week. You need to set that time aside."
On anxiety's impact on sex:
"It can be helpful to get a better understanding of oneself with the things that may be getting in the way of accessing sexual desire and arousal. Two common constraints are stress and anxiety. For most people, if they're experiencing stress and/or anxiety, they aren't feeling sexual desire. For some, it's not on their radar when they are feeling stressed or anxious. Reflecting on the main stressors in one's life and addressing those is a good first step."
On medication and sex:
"Medication can definitely impact one's hormones and physiology. Our society highlights orgasms as being one of the main determining factors of whether a sexual experience is 'successful.' This can add unnecessary judgment and anxiety for both of you. Shifting the narrative away from orgasm being the goal can be really helpful and liberating. When you remove orgasm as the goal, you can tune into the process — the process of play, exploration, and pleasure. An orgasm is just a juicy bonus."
On polyamorous relationships:
"In my experience, the poly relationships I have seen to be more solid and healthy are the ones in which there is open and clear communication about agreements and boundaries, which are continuously reassessed over time. Ideally, each partner is practicing introspection and relational self-awareness and is real with themselves about what they are truly okay with vs. what their partner wants. There's a difference between a couple who decides to have a poly relationship as a "last ditch effort" vs. a couple who has a very solid foundation of trust, safety, and communication before they decide to welcome other partners into their dynamic."
On sex after childbirth:
"The body is miraculous in being able to grow and give birth to children, so I want to take a moment to acknowledge that. A lot of women struggle with how much their body transforms during and after having children. It will understandably impact how you physically look and feel in your body, as well as how you feel about yourself. I recommend the book Taking Sexy Back: How to Own Your Sexuality and Create the Relationships You Want by Alexandra Solomon. She is my all-time favorite professor from my graduate studies."
"My all-time favorite book on female sexuality is Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. I recommend looking these up online and reading about them to see if they're a good fit."
On sex in long-term relationships:
"After the beginning of new-relationship energy in a relationship (aka puppy love), the spontaneity of sex naturally goes down. This doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you or the relationship. It's just that the high cocktail of hormones that made everything easy and exciting have lowered back down to normal. As a woman, this might mean that your more dominant type of desire, responsive desire, emerges. So instead of relying on thoughts about sex to just pop into your mind, you need to transition your desire and invite it in."
"A good way to do this is to have what I call intentional intimacy time: physical intimacy on the calendar, so you can prepare your mind. Like going to the gym, you need to prepare by setting your clothes out, getting your protein mix together, not eating three slices of pizza beforehand, etc. Your desire needs the same preparation. Your desire isn't like a bag of popcorn that you can pop into the microwave."
"Feeling bored with a sex partner after a period of time is fairly common, though it can be more of a concern for some than others. For many, it can feel challenging to be in a long-term relationship and balance feelings of safety and security while also balancing the desire for novelty and spontaneity. It's a paradox — love seeks closeness while desire needs distance. If you're recognizing that some of your behaviors are self-destructive, that is something you want to be curious about. You wouldn't want to judge or shame yourself, but rather, bring a compassionate curiosity around any patterns of continuing a self-destructive behavior despite the consequences."
On sex in media and porn:
"Porn can be a positive or a negative. A positive if it's understood that it's not real life and if used as a booster for desire as a fun thing to share together or sometimes solo. It becomes an issue when porn is used as an avoidance strategy for real intimacy with your partner, is the only way you become aroused, or is used as sex education."
"The junk on TV and porn, etc. is NOT reality. For example, the last time I timed a sex scene in a movie it was about 60 seconds. They lock eyes, kiss passionately, and then BAM, they are rolling around in bed, and then BAM, they roll off each other, sigh, and that's it. And an orgasm for a woman happening in 60 seconds in some awkward position like in porn? Nope, not going to happen. It's all for the show. That is NOT real life."
"The best place to start is to educate yourself and your partner as to what a sexual relationship between two committed people actually looks like. AND what desire looks like for both partners. Once you know what is reality, then you can actually learn how to navigate it in a way that has both of you happy and feeling good."
Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
