33 Shocking Secrets People Kept — Or Are Still Keeping — From Their Partner That Range From Heartbreaking To Really, Really Dark
Recently, we wrote about secrets people are keeping from their partners, and the BuzzFeed Community had some of their own secrets to spill. Here's what they had to share — along with some responses from the original Reddit thread.
NOTE: There are mentions of drug use and suicide.
1."I feel so lonely during the holiday season because my wife's sister flies in, expecting all of us to take PTO and wait on her and her family's every whim. It's an extremely stressful time at work usually, and combined with The Queen coming in, I feel like I don't have a support system (especially since my therapist also goes on vacation at this time) because, during this time, my wife ignores me and is solely focused on keeping her sister happy. We spend a significant amount of time with her sister and family, completely ignoring mine, despite my sister, my parents, and myself asking for just some consideration (Thanksgiving and Christmas day are almost always reserved for my wife's family because there are more people, and my wife had a bad experience with my family 10 years prior). Every year, for these four weeks or so, I feel so lonely that I strongly consider suicide."
"My wife interprets it as just me being a scrooge and tells me not to ruin the holiday for her, even though she spends the whole time trying to cater to her sister. She expects the kids and me to help, so she transfers that pressure to us. The kids are resilient, but I feel so broken inside during this time. I tell her, but she thinks I'm just overreacting.
I've never mentioned the suicide, though."
2."My husband doesn't know the one-night stand I had while we had briefly broken up — which led to a pregnancy — was really with my ex, who he hates and was the rebound from. I also never told my ex the baby was his. He was an extreme narcissist, and I knew he wouldn't be good for me or my baby. My husband chalked it up to the one-night stand who didn't want to be a part of my son's life and raised him as his own. A few years ago, when my son went to college in my home state, he met my ex through my relative. They became close and decided they both wanted a DNA test because they were so similar (my son knew my husband wasn't his bio dad but never asked questions)."
"I didn't know they connected until months after their meeting. I was devastated. Since then, my son has learned that the 'relationship' his dad wanted with him was a facade to try to get back with me. He learned who his dad was in a short period of time. They don't talk much anymore, but my son is happy to know his siblings and the rest of his dad's side of the family. My husband still has no idea my ex is a part of our son's life, and he'll never hear it from me."
—Anonymous
3."I only matched and met my current boyfriend because he is from the same town as my ex. 💀 It's been six years, and I love him more than anything or anybody else…but at the beginning, I just hoped my first love would slide into my DMs again."
4."My wife's father is on Grindr constantly, according to my gay cousin. He has even tried hooking up with my cousin. My wife and mother-in-law have no idea. Frankly, it shocked me when my cousin told me, but he actually showed me the evidence."
5."For a long time, I didn't tell her about the man whose life I ended. While deployed, I acted in an emotional moment and regretted it almost immediately. My chain of command helped make the incident go away, and life went on. After I came home, I struggled with anger and post-traumatic stress, as many of us do. She was respectful and supported me as well as she knew how. After a few years passed, I felt that I could talk more openly with her about some of the things I had seen and experienced overseas. There were lots of painful memories that I shared with her, and we both wept. I finally told her about how I took a life in extreme anger and tried to make it clear how sorry I was."
"We split up last year. When we had 'the talk,' she brought up the story I had told her and how she had never felt at ease with me after that. So, I really don't like talking about it anymore."
6."My husband doesn't know I'm bisexual. He hates bi people and says they all cheat and can't maintain relationships because they're too greedy and fickle. We've been together for over 15 years, and I've never even considered cheating or leaving. It never comes up, so it doesn't really bother me, but I sometimes wish I could tell stories about past girlfriends."
7."I've been with my husband for seven years and have faked every orgasm."
"I feel like too much time has passed, to be honest about it. I don't have to orgasm to enjoy sex; I find self-pleasure easier if I need some sort of release. I also don't want to hurt his confidence."
8."I have been self-medicating with topiramate for undiagnosed borderline personality traits (not the full-on disorder) for a year, and everyone is happier for it. I see a psych for ADHD and have tried several times to discuss how irritable I was and ask for this medication, but I work in medicine too, and he sees our visits as chat time, so he brushed it off, and I am too mortified and uncomfortable with it to bring it up again or find a new psych, so I found a way to get it myself, and it is a godsend. My mother has a full-on borderline personality, and it seems to be fairly genetic."
"The exquisite irritability I have when the meds wear off is one of the most uncomfortable feelings I've ever experienced, and nothing else I have tried helps. It seemed to really come out after having kids. I've suggested that I have this to my partner, too, but he also dismissed it."
9."My partner and I are lesbians, and I don't know if their family will ever respect us as a couple. Call it a gut feeling. I'm no contact with my family and have been for years (they're anti-gay, and there's some personal stuff), and my partner sometimes asks me how I knew it was a lost cause/what made me give up/how their situation is different. They ask from a place of hope and wanting everything to work out. I try to give them hope and keep their hope alive. I remind them that their parents love them very much and that whatever relationship they have is worth keeping. I would never want to drive a wedge there because I've lost my parents and wouldn't want that for anyone. But I know, deep down, their parents are never coming around."
"I know we're never going to get to bring our cinnamon roll recipe to Christmas, I'm never going to knit their dad a Chief's hat, and I'm never going to go to the zoo with their nephews. I can't ever tell them I've given up because they're SO hopeful that this is the year I'll be invited; this is the birthday I'll stop by; this is the holiday we'll meet."
10."I love my husband. He's my best friend, my everything, and I don't know what I'd do without him. We see a lot of world issues the same, our parenting ideals are the same, and we enjoy a lot of the same things. We do have our differences as well, which is good. As perfect as this may all seem, I feel absolutely zero spark or passion in our marriage anymore. For me, it's completely gone, and I feel stuck. I will take this feeling to my grave."
—Anonymous
11."He quite literally is the reason I got out of an abusive relationship alive. He knows the basics, but he didn't know the day he helped me leave my abuser and bought a gun. I found out I was three times more likely to die after getting out. That's just counting the times I was choked out. I was trying to escape the whole time, and he was the only person willing to help."
12."I tried to kill myself in 2021 and nearly succeeded. I was desperate and hopeless about my life and the future; everything was falling apart then. After three years of therapy and several clinical stays (especially in the early days after) I have an amazing life now with a well above the median paying job, amazing friends and creative hobbies. I met her after all the bullshit. She knows I'm in therapy, and that's good enough for me. I don't want her to be worried about my mental health or, worse, have doubts. I'm great now, and that's enough."
13."I've sent messages to an ex since my partner and I started dating — even after we got married. The guy never responds, and I never really expect him to. I want to work out my feelings, which I do best in writing. I've always resented the fact that I never got to speak openly and vulnerably with him the way we both wanted me to. So, I send him emails like he and I used to exchange messages on all kinds of philosophical and personal topics. My husband I love dearly, and I would never leave him for the ex. I just miss having that sort of emotionally intellectual connection with someone. I've never known or connected with anyone like I did with that ex."
"My love with my husband runs much deeper and has lasted much longer. It's just that intellectual spark that I miss. I've imagined him replying in my head a few times. Each time I come to the same conclusion: I miss him and I will always have love for him, but I would never throw away the life I've built with my husband for what was really more of a summer romance with the ex."
14."The relationship is over now, but when we were just friends, a new girl joined our friend group. I was very interested in this new girl and planned on bringing her home after we all went out to the bar. A third friend let me know she wasn't interested in me. Drunk me ended up making a move on my friend because I didn't want to go home alone. That kicked off a three-year relationship with someone I wasn't really attracted to."
15."My husband doesn't know that I still chat with my first really serious boyfriend fairly often. We've still got a really strong bond and have always joked that we'll finally be together when we end up in the same nursing home. The conversations get pretty hot and heavy sometimes, and since my marriage is pretty much celibate, that's both a blessing and a curse."
—Anonymous
16."The seizures I had (she came home and found me slumped in the corner of the bedroom, not breathing and completely blue) were because I overdosed on opioids."
17."I know that my spouse's deceased father had alcoholism, was so terrible with money that his wife isolated their finances, bought their house in her name only, etc.. so when he filed for bankruptcy multiple times, it wouldn't ruin the entire family. My spouse would have you believe he was a perfect person and has actively denied things her mom has said. But I have had multiple people (even outside the family) tell me the truth."
"I have never told my spouse I know and never will, but it does help me understand some emotional challenges they deal with."
18."One night, when I was staying over at my boyfriend's house, I went to get some water, and when I turned into the kitchen, I saw his dad slap his mom literally like TWO FEET away from me. And when I tell you, she did not wait a single second to slap him back (EXTREMELY hard). He stared at me, then her, shocked, and then just started walking away. I don't know what made me do it, but on his way past me, I put my leg out a little, and he tripped and caught himself. I know it was extremely disrespectful to involve myself (and the dude is literally 20+ years older than me), and it wasn't even my house. Still, during later private conversations with my boyfriend's mom, she told me that for the rest of their marriage (which was short after that), he didn't lay hands on her again. I will literally never tell my boyfriend, and I don't think his mom will either."
19."My dad was diagnosed with metastatic prostate cancer this week, and I feel like I can't tell my boyfriend because he just lost his dad a few months ago. I feel lost because I'm struggling, but I simply don't have the heart to talk to him about it."
20."When I was married, my ex introduced me to his new boss…yeah, I'd once had a one-night stand with that boss! I kept my trap shut, and so did he."
21."I'm terrified to have kids (we both want them). My number one fear in life is her dying in some kind of pregnancy complication (we live in a Republican-leaning state, so getting medical help may not even be an option even with good insurance, and she might go to prison even for trying with the way the laws are moving). My number two fear after that is PPD/her stopping loving me after having kids or not showing me affection anymore and giving me the 'my kids are all I need' line or something like that. I have trouble telling her these things because I'm afraid she'll think I don't want kids and break up with me."
22."I've cheated on every partner that I've ever had. I am 40 and have been in five serious/long-term (two-plus-year) relationships and have cheated on all of them (except the current fifth). I'm basically a serial cheater, and I fit the stereotype of 'they'll never change' and 'if they cheated on their ex, they'll cheat on you too.' That said, I've been with my current partner for five years, and I truly feel I've met the love of my life."
"All of my previous partners were people with whom I was not compatible, should not have been with, or rushed into the relationship, and I was always looking for an out. We were always good at being friends but not partners. In most cases, the relationship was long over in my mind, but I didn't know how to end it because I didn't want to hurt them. When I eventually did end it, I tried to do so amicably, and none of my partners knew of my infidelity (that I'm aware of). I'm actually low-key still friends with two of them.
My partner does know of my relationships and most everything else about me that would have come up in normal conversation, but I will never tell him this."
23."About a decade ago, I was addicted to opiates following a traumatic surgical procedure. My wife is fully aware of my addiction, and I'm coming up on 10 years sober. I was upfront with her about this when we started dating, and I told her what to watch out for in case I ever relapsed. What my wife doesn't know is that while I was struggling with my addiction, I was caught shoplifting at my former job. They only knew about a small amount, or at least only had proof of a small amount of what I had stolen, because I was only charged with a misdemeanor. In reality, I must have stolen upwards of $3000 in merchandise over the span of several months."
"I was caught and charged with misdemeanor shoplifting and fired from my job. Luckily for me, it was only my part-time job, and my full-time job wasn't impacted. I was able to get off on the charges by entering into a diversion program since I was young, and this was my first offense. After completing the diversion, I was able to get the charge expunged from my record. It doesn't show up on any background checks.
Ten years later, I'm sober and have a leadership role at my current job. Most people would never guess that I had a drug problem or that I would be a shoplifter. My wife even once joked that I wouldn't be cut out for stealing because I'd be too obvious."
24."My husband gaslit me for the first 12 years of our 20 years of marriage. I no longer love him or feel respect for him. He used my income from work for the first fourteen years. I'm still miserably married and feel like I wasted my time and didn't get to enjoy being a grandparent to my children's children. I feel used and disgusted with myself for putting up with this; I've become mean and heartless with him because he refuses to help me pay bills in our home. I'm very caught in this web."
—Anonymous
25."When I first met my now husband, we had only been out a few times before he went to San Francisco for a job interview. When he came back, I asked him how it went. Since we were in the early days, I didn't think much about it if he got the job and moved across the country. I figured we would part as friends. He told me they weren't interested in him, which surprised me considering it was a great company that specialized in exactly what he did; he fit what they wanted to a T. I later found out (after we were married) he was offered the position with great pay but turned it down because he felt there was something special about me and wanted to see where it went."
"I'll never tell him that I know (his mom accidentally spilled the beans on her deathbed), but I love him so much because of it!"
26."My ex's mother got drunk one night and confessed to me that his dad wasn't his biological dad. She explained that the man who he thought was his biological dad couldn't have kids, so they mutually agreed to use a sperm donor. Even after a terrible breakup, I couldn't bring myself to tell that secret. His 'dad' wasn't the best person, though, and he had a lot of health issues that concerned him for his future. I just kept telling him that he would more than likely be fine because I was going to school to be a genetic counselor, and it looked like it would skip his generation."
27."I know all of his Reddit accounts and occasionally check them. I also made a different one to give him relationship advice after he posted seeking advice; I pretended to be a middle-aged man. For the record, I only did this because the comments were flooded with wild assumptions and could jump mountains with how high those made-up conclusions were."
28."Sex was painful with my current partner, and I thought it was normal, so I always had painful sex until I hooked up with a friend I'd known for years. He's sweet, gentle, and a sexy man. I never thought anything of it until he touched me in ways I've never been touched. I told him this would be between us if we took it further. He said yes with no hesitation."
"I still have painful sex with my current partner, which I don't understand why. He'll never find out that I've been having mind-blowing sex with someone else."
—Anonymous
29."I have pretty significant HPPD (hallucinogen persisting perception disorder) from doing too much acid as a youngster. It's something that sounds a lot scarier than it actually is. For the most part, it's stuff like getting a bunch of eye floaters/visual snow. But she already seemed pretty freaked out when I told her I had dropped acid 'once' in college, so I figured it might be wise to keep this detail to myself. It doesn't really affect me and most days I don't even notice it anymore. But every once in a while, I'll space out while looking at the pavement or something, and the subtle fractals will kick in, and I'll think, 'lol, imagine if my girlfriend knew what I was looking at right now.'"
30."I got his best friend jumped. He had a friend who was a piece of shit. He'd steal, lie, hit women, crowd-kill at shows, and target women specifically. He lied about getting kicked out to get money off people, then used that money for concert tickets. He'd crash at people's houses and steal from them. He'd sexually assault girls who were 16, whilst he was 19. Everyone knew this, and they isolated him and even jumped him a few times for showing his face. He had no friends except for my ex, who was adamant he was innocent."
"I grew up in a rough area, predominantly around metalheads, punks, and bikers. These types of people protect women and vulnerable people like their lives depend on it, so when they found out what he does to women, they wanted him jumped. But they had no idea where he was or what he looked like.
He messaged me a lot, even after I told him to stop and said he made me uncomfortable. So when my friend, a scary 6'5 buff man with tattoos, asked me how to find him, I told him. I messaged him and arranged to meet up for a show, claiming I'd pay for him.
He meets up with me, and I lead him around a corner, where four of my friends are waiting for him. I then turned around and left, knowing what was going to happen. My friends thanked me for helping them and the guy was jumped. He gave back all the money he owed over the course of a year and left town. And to this day, no one knows I helped them or that they couldn't have done it without me. We agreed to never speak of it, and I never told my partner, who was devastated over it. And I never will; the bastard deserved it.
The moral of the story is don't be an asshole. Karma will catch up."
31."He didn't like that I relied on medication. I took an Ambien secretly every night after he fell asleep. It only started to really scare me when I learned I had to get off of it to get pregnant, and I had no idea how to convey how nervous I was to be off of it when he thought I was sleeping better and didn't need it anymore."
32."I love my spouse, and they would be a great parent but a terrible co-parent, so I don't want to have kids. They would act as management, making demands and placing blame for failures on my shoulders without exerting the effort raising and teaching kids would take. They do not have the ability to do the hard things. I would have the entire mental, emotional, and physical labor of parenting. I would marry them again and again, but I don't want to have kids with them because I'm not selfless enough to be okay with this."
33.And finally..."My husband is a terrible kisser. We've been together for nearly 20 years."
—Anonymous
What huge secret have you kept from your partner — or what was your partner's huge secret that was kept from you? Let us know in the comments below or via this anonymous form, and you could be featured in an upcoming BuzzFeed Community post.
Submissions have been edited for length/clarity.
