35 Funny Tweets That Break Down The Math Of Parenting
If we could sum up parenting with a pie chart, there would certainly be some debate around how to divide it up.
Over the years, the funny parents on X, formerly known as Twitter, have been been sharing their percentage breakdowns. For some, parenting might be “30% love, 10% discipline, and 60% downloading horrible new apps from the school or camp.” For others, it’s more like “40% ‘will you please eat that’ and 60% ‘STOP EATING THAT!’”
The mathematical possibilities are endless, but below, we’ve rounded up a sample of 35. Keep scrolling for some funny breakdowns that don’t always add up, but are relatable nonetheless.
67% percent of parenting is just trying to keep a straight face when your child says something like, ‘mom, he hit me with his banana.’
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) January 6, 2023
Parenting is 30% love, 10% discipline, and 60% downloading horrible new apps from the school or camp
— Ruth Graham (@publicroad) June 3, 2024
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, "What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?" and fifty percent is asking "What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?"
— Raw Motherhood (@MetteAngerhofer) August 7, 2021
I’m no mathematician, but I can tell you that 75 percent of parenting is cleaning up cheese stick wrappers.
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) July 16, 2021
50% of parenting is teaching your child that they can always trust you, and 50% is looking them dead in the eye and saying they can’t watch paw patrol because “the tv is broken until tomorrow”
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) October 14, 2021
No one told me that 20% of parenting infants is performing musical numbers (both Broadway and improved). Really putting my theater kid chops to work 🤗
— Sky is AGENTED ✨ (@writtenbysky) June 10, 2023
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) May 18, 2022
At least 40% of parenting is handing children fruit
— Sarah Crook (@SarahRoseCrook) February 9, 2022
Parenting is 60% managing kids' social calendars, 20% speed eating in secret, 30% crying, also in secret, and 10% forgetting how to use math
— Helleanor Rigby (@Mom_Overboard) July 12, 2022
73 percent of parenting is hiding from your kids in the other room so you can eat a sleeve of Oreos in peace.
— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) November 7, 2021
40% of parenting small children is just saying “wow” and “cool” when you don’t mean it.
— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) May 24, 2020
Seventy-five percent of parenting is just trying not to yell "FUCK!" too loudly when you step on your kids' toys.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) June 15, 2018
Approximately 80 percent of parenting toddlers is cooking breaded chicken dinosaurs and saying “be careful” 135 times a day.
— Joe Donatelli (@joedonatelli) May 11, 2019
I’ve often said — to great applause on this platform — that 60 percent of parenting is filling out forms. Today I can tell you the other 40 percent is continuously looking for, failing to locate and then replacing device chargers.
My parenting seminar is over. Good luck to all.— Claude Brodesser-Akner (@ClaudeBrodesser) October 10, 2021
Parenting is 10 percent joy, 10 percent wonder, and 80 percent asking them to please put on their shoes already.
— Hans Noel (@ProfHansNoel) June 1, 2021
I swear like 20% of parenting is finding new and creative ways to convince kids that their dinner is not, in their words, disgusting.
— Michael D. A. Clarke (@MichaelDAClarke) June 15, 2024
89% of parenting is asking WHOSE WATER BOTTLE IS THIS
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 4, 2021
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
— Mommy Needs a Life (@momneedsalife3) July 30, 2022
Parenting is 90 percent figuring out who left the fridge open.
— Meg St-Esprit (@MegStEsprit) December 8, 2019
75% of parenting is shouting, "Why is it sticky here?!"
— MommyingHard (@MommyingHard) January 18, 2023
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 23, 2023
Forty percent of parenting is pretending to be interested in really boring shit.
— Dennis DiClaudio (@dennisdiclaudio) December 7, 2019
Nobody tells you that fifty percent of parenting is just asking your kid to finish their yogurt over and over.
— Pamela Jakiela (@PJakiela) January 18, 2022
65% of parenting a toddler is walking 5 feet behind them like you’re the Secret Service walking behind the president.
— Dave Whiteside (@dave__whiteside) August 7, 2024
90 percent of parenting is pretending your kid isn’t shit at Mariokart
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) June 29, 2021
Parenting is 85% lack of sleep and 25% caffeine
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) August 9, 2021
Convinced that 30% of parenting is learning how to maintain a straight face for whatever quirky stuff your kid comes up with.
— Kelsey (@kelseyk) August 15, 2024
70% of parenting is telling your kids how smart they are when you know they'll touch the hot Mexican food plate every time.
— A Dad Influence (@gbergan) May 27, 2022
50% of parenting girls involves them running away when you brush their hair
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) April 15, 2022
I didn't realise going in that 70 percent of parenting is trying to peel stickers off the floorboards.
— Ky (@MelbourneBitter) November 12, 2019
75% of parenting is just moving cups to out of reach places.
— Tad Carpenter (@TadCarpenter) April 21, 2022
Over 65% of parenting is just being upset about the time your kids wake up
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) October 12, 2020
80% of parenting young children is just being there for them. So they can hand you their garbage.
— Steve Patterson (not a parody)🇺🇦 (@patterballs) July 12, 2021
Parenting is 40% “will you please eat that” and 60% “STOP EATING THAT!”
— JON SCHABL (@JSchabl) August 20, 2021
Trying not to laugh and reinforce bad behavior is easily 80% of parenting. 20% is baseless claims about percentages.
— @dad_hard (@kunkelcomedy) April 11, 2024
