43 Tweets About Trying To Get Out The Door On Time With Kids
What they don’t tell expectant parents who arrive at the hospital full of hope — only to be sent home because labor isn’t far enough along — is that it’s officially the last time they will be early for anything.
From diaper blowouts to missing shoes to forgotten homework assignments, leaving the house with kids is a new adventure each and every time.
Here, some of X (formerly Twitter)’s funniest parents describe in hilarious detail what it feels like to be running late ... again.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) February 21, 2023
When your kids leave a mystery puddle on the floor you will always find it when you’re rushing to leave the house. It’s science.
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) July 14, 2022
There are 2 types of parents: those that make their kids use the bathroom before they leave the house & those that do not.
They never fucking marry each other.— Doc McMuffins (@Cynical_Parent) August 16, 2021
Kids at dinner: I'm not that hungry.
Kids, next day at breakfast when you're running late: where the buffet at?— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) January 19, 2021
Ready to walk out the door for a playdate and my 3yo hollers: HOLD ON, I JUST GOTTA POOP BEFORE WE LEAVE.
No DNA test needed. She’s my husbands.— Shit I tell my toddler (@Toddler_talkin) October 7, 2023
At what age do kids leave the house without forgetting something because I can confirm it’s not 13.
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) May 23, 2021
Parenthood offers the unique experience of realizing you are already running late for something that doesn't start for 4 hours.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 25, 2022
My son vowed to be on time & organized this school year & I was like, “Wow! This kid is nothing like me!” & then 3 days later he’s getting in the car 5 minutes late, wearing only one shoe, & I’m like, “There I am!”
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 23, 2021
Kids thrive on routine which is why they make every morning a struggle to get them up and out the door.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 20, 2021
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before.
— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) November 6, 2023
My kids are late to their first day of school because I don’t want to give their teachers the wrong impression of us by being on time
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) August 28, 2023
Mom on mom group: my 4-year-old refuses to put her shoes on
Mom 1: hmm she sounds autistic
Mom 2: that’s developmentally normal mama! Just never leave the house until she does it, she’ll learn!
Mom 3: you need to hire an Autonomy Therapist, this will only get worse— Cartoons Hate Her! (@CartoonsHateHer) July 1, 2024
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) March 15, 2022
Me: Are you ready for school yet?
10-year-old: No. But I will be.
Me: When?
10: On time. Ish.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 18, 2022
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) July 7, 2022
11am: asks 3yo put on his own shoes before we leave the house.
11:15am three days later: shoes on we leave the house.— John Cena (@SohnCena) May 26, 2020
Is getting kids ready for school and getting them all in the car on time considered exercise? I feel like it is. I already dropped them off and I'm still trying to get my heart rate down.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) September 16, 2022
Me: Mornings are so chaotic. Every day it’s like a mad dash to pack lunches, make breakfast, and get everyone dressed for school on time.
Co-worker: Why don’t you just meal prep over the weekend?
Me: My kids are actually here during the weekend too, sorry for the confusion.— The Dad (@thedad) September 22, 2023
It’s all fun and games until you’re running late, trying to leave the house and your kid insists it’s a perfect time to search for his Kinder Surprise toy that is about the size of a mouse turd.
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) February 26, 2020
I don’t ride a peloton but I have gotten three kids dressed and out the door to school on time, so same.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) July 6, 2023
"It's PI DAY and I'm supposed to bring a pie to class," my 8yo announces as we're headed out the door running late to school.
Just no.— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) March 14, 2023
People texting me that they’re running late brings me joy.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) November 6, 2023
Me- *running late
My toddler- at a full stop collecting all earthly possessions to bundle up and bring to the car— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) October 28, 2021
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 28, 2022
Parenthood taught me that if you're running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn't matter.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) February 27, 2024
My 2.5yo is suspiciously unable to play by himself for even one second UNLESS it’s 2 mins until we have to leave the house and then, like magic, he can do dialog for two dump trucks having a conversation about and then dumping 500 tiny pieces of Playmobile all over the floor.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) February 7, 2023
Trying to leave the house with three kids is like trying to make your flight while running through the airport with a bunch of unchecked luggage.
— The Mom at Law® (@TheMomAtLaw) March 23, 2019
Episode #452 of Running Late:
2 stops to look at every ant on the way to the car. EVERY. ANT.— Tired Dad of 2 (@Tired_Dad_of_2) June 7, 2019
Mission impossible but it’s just me trying to drop my kid at nursery and get to work on time
— Lottie-pop 🍭 (@Lottie_Poppie) May 27, 2022
15 minutes before we were supposed to leave the house this morning I noticed that my kindergartner had a three page writing assignment that was due today.
Nothing screams high quality learning like a mom standing over her child yelling at her to write faster we have to GO— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) February 7, 2022
When you’re actually about to get the family out of the house on time but then your 6-year-old demands to tie his own shoes pic.twitter.com/n9XId0WoKS
— The Dad (@thedad) February 22, 2023
Why do toddlers insist on being independent only when you're running late?!
— 3 Wild Rainbows (@wildrainbow2) October 26, 2020
A haunted house but it’s me getting 3 kids in costume for their Halloween parade and in the car on time and then having to turn around and go back for the 3 projects due today we left at home.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) October 31, 2022
Getting somewhere on time as a parent is an extreme sport.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 30, 2023
If you enjoy unplanned scavenger hunts as you’re about to leave the house then having children may be right for you
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) May 9, 2020
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) February 24, 2024
If your kid wakes you up two hours earlier than usual and you think “at least I’ll be early for work, or at least on time,” you’d be wrong.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) December 22, 2022
Here's a little song I wrote about trying to leave the house with the kids in the morning it's called "OHMYGOD WHY AREN'T YOUR SHOES ON YET" and a one and a two
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 8, 2021
Dryers need a I Need This Gym Uniform Dry in 2 Minutes setting for all us parents running late in the morning.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 30, 2021
I think I missed the chapter in the parenting books where it said that I would one day have to patiently wait for a stuffed monkey to take a pretend pee while I was running late.
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) August 27, 2020
My daughter spent 20 minutes in the bathroom brushing her hair and applying face cream and mascara only to leave the house in sweatpants. Middle school is all about finding that perfect balance.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) November 9, 2023
Every time I leave the house with my four kids for a trip, I understand more and more how the McCallisters were able to forget Kevin at home.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 23, 2021
*Parent Math*
Ok, the birthday party starts at 1 so we need to leave by 12:15 but we need to stop and get a gift so we really need to leave by 12 so we need to start getting everyone ready by 11. Wait, what about lunch, are they serving lunch? We are already running late.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 24, 2019
