5 Signs You Complain Too Much—and What to Do Instead
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After a really crappy day, sometimes the best medicine is unloading all my pent-up frustration onto anyone willing to listen. I can go on and on about a rude interaction at the DMV, a stubborn food stain on my favorite white pants, or whatever else has me on edge. And honestly, complaining can feel so good that it’s almost…addictive.
It’s no secret that venting has some legit mental health benefits. “When stress and agitation are brewing inside us, it’s important to find a release, get support, and move forward,” Ingrid Helander, LMFT, a couples therapist based in West Hartford, Connecticut, tells SELF. But in my experience, I don’t always feel much better after popping off. In fact, sometimes I end up more riled up than I started.
So I wasn’t surprised to learn that blowing off steam doesn’t guarantee relief—and in certain cases, it can actually be counterproductive. According to Helander, constantly complaining can just breed more negativity. Not to mention, turning every minor inconvenience into a griping spree will likely strain your relationships too, she adds.
To help you determine whether your mini tirades are doing more harm than good, we asked therapists to lay out the biggest signs that complaining is dragging you (and your loved ones) down—instead of providing the cathartic release you were hoping for.
1. You feel even worse than before.
Obviously, whining for half an hour won’t fix your problems. According to Helander, though, a productive complaining session can help you feel validated or inspire you to come up with an action plan. At the very least, it should give you that satisfying “ah, I’m glad I finally got that off my chest” feeling that allows you to move on with your day.
But if you find that lamenting leaves you in an even worse mood—you’re more angry, annoyed, and overwhelmed—it’s worth asking yourself: What was the point? Because after putting up with an irritating situation (or person), you probably want to lift your spirits and clear your head, not spiral deeper into negativity, Helandar says. And that brings us to our next red flag….
2. You resist every helpful suggestion or solution.
Look, sometimes we just need to be pissed and talk a little shit. It’s easier to say “this sucks” than to deal with an overwhelming workload, for example, or a flaky friend who keeps canceling at the last minute.
That said, it’s often in your best interest to look for ways to improve your circumstances, especially if you’re repeating the same grievances like a broken record. That’s because having some sort of “solution” (whether it’s making a to-do list or scheduling a heart-to-heart with your pal) can give you a sense of control over your annoying situation, Helander says.
On the flip side, continuing to gripe while brushing off your supportive pal’s “What about trying…” or your concerned mom’s “Have you thought about…?” may mean you’re slipping into rumination territory. “Rumination is defined as a repetitive dwelling on negative emotions without ever arriving at a conclusion or solution,” Nelly Seo, PsyD, a psychologist at Therapists of New York, tells SELF.
This could look like whining to your besties about how your partner never does the dishes or constantly complaining about a coworker who keeps taking credit for your ideas—while overlooking perfectly reasonable fixes like creating a cleaning schedule or having a calm conversation. Unlike healthy venting, this maladaptive coping mechanism makes it hard to truly move forward, and according to research, may leave you even more stressed and anxious.
3. You ignore any silver linings.
No one’s expecting you to find the “bright side” in every tough moment. “The human brain has been evolutionarily wired to be biased towards the negatives, which can lead to those feelings of helplessness and hopelessness in difficult situations,” Dr. Seo says.
But there’s a difference between acknowledging that something sucks—and allowing that cynicism to completely cloud your perspective (especially when the issue you’re facing isn’t a huge deal). For instance, maybe you can’t enjoy the delicious plate of carbonara pasta in front of you because you’re still fixated on the 45-minute wait. Or perhaps you’re on the most gorgeous, scenic hike—yet you can’t savor the views because you’re moping about stepping in dog poop two miles back.
“Some life events may not have a silver lining,” Dr. Seo says. But obsessively mulling over a minor inconvenience (and letting it ruin your day) will only keep you stewing in your frustration.
4. You complain in a mean-spirited or catastrophic way.
I can’t believe how incompetent my boss is—we’re never gonna get anything done here. The guy who cut me off in traffic is such an [insert creatively cruel expletive]—he deserves to get into an accident.
These hard feelings are natural to some extent, and in small doses, they’re probably not a problem. That said, letting dramatic, hateful thoughts snowball and consume you is a waste of your time and energy, according to Helander. Simply put: Trash-talking whoever set you off won’t help the situation, she says. If anything, it’ll probably just make you feel worse and amplify feelings like rage, resentment, anxiety, and pessimism. (Not to mention, the world is already filled with enough negativity, so we could all probably use a little more empathy and compassion right now.)
5. You’re starting to wear out your support system.
When you do it in a healthy way (don’t worry, we’re about to get into that), “complaining can bring you closer to other people,” Dr. Seo says. Maybe you and a coworker bonded over the chaos of a nightmarish boss. Or you felt even more connected with your partner while commiserating over a drama-filled family reunion.
On the flip side, you might notice your go-to support crew becoming less engaged (and perhaps more distant) when you’re complaining sooo much that you’re the downer of the group. Remember, your best friends, family members, and other loved ones are there to lift you up—but they’re not your therapists. So when you make a habit of bellyaching about how dating apps are totally useless (you only swipe left…) or how #foreveralone and single you are, “they can become exhausted hearing you repeat the same petty grievances over and over,” she says. As a result, they may pull back to protect their peace, which Dr. Seo and Helander agree won’t just strain your relationships: It can also leave you feeling isolated when you need your people the most.
And speaking of support, if it’s almost impossible to see an upside in any circumstance, you may be better off talking to someone outside of your social circle, anyway—specifically, a therapist or your primary care provider. Chronic negativity and hopelessness can be subtle signs of depression, and these professionals can not only screen you for the condition but also help you figure out how to feel better.
How to complain more productively
It’s not about never voicing your frustrations; it’s all about how you air them, both Dr. Seo and Helander say. Here are a few pointers that can help ensure your complaining boosts your mood—instead of dragging you down.
Consider setting a time limit. Keep that voice note to your bestie about your snobby mutual friend to just five minutes. Pop off about a terrible haircut you splurged on for half an hour, max. This approach, Helander says, can help you fully express yourself without ruminating.
Go in willing to listen to feedback. Instead of talking at your friends and family, “keep your mind open to different perspectives,” Dr. Seo suggests: This way, you can consider potential solutions you hadn’t thought of on your own, while also being mindful and considerate of loved ones who are only trying to help you.
Wrap up your complaints by tapping into some gratitude. “This can be a powerful way to remind yourself of all the positives in your life when you’re bogged down by negativity,” Dr. Seo says. For example, take a moment to appreciate how supportive your mom is—even after she just drove you up a wall with all her unsolicited dating advice. Or, after surviving the most grueling work week ever, remind yourself that it’s finally the weekend! Ending a griping spree on a high note won’t magically erase whatever’s got you peeved, Dr. Seo says. But it can wake you up to the fact that things aren’t so bad—and help pull you out of your resentment hole.
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Originally Appeared on SELF
