5 Subtle Signs You Might Have Alcohol Use Disorder
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When Julie McFadden started drinking alcohol at age 13, she didn’t question it because, well, all the cool kids were doing it. She continued the habit as she got older, but didn’t think she was in red flag territory; she kept working, paid her bills, and generally functioned in society just fine. It wasn’t until after McFadden stopped drinking and sought help when she was 33—two decades later—that she recognized she had a problem all along. “Now that I’m sober, I can see it,” McFadden, now 41, tells SELF. “But I don’t know if I could have seen it when it was happening.”
A lot of people with alcohol use disorder (AUD)—a medical condition that makes it hard to stop or control your drinking even though it’s affecting your health, career, and/or relationships—find themselves in a similar situation. The overwhelming urge to drink can cloud your judgment, making it difficult to recognize the signs of an addiction. AUD can also be hard to spot because it exists on a spectrum, meaning you can have a mild, moderate, or severe case. “Traditionally, people would think of it as black or white, like you either have a serious disorder or you don’t,” but people need to “see the shades of gray,” Anne Fernandez, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist with the University of Michigan Addiction Treatment Services, tells SELF. “That’s one of the biggest barriers I find to people understanding what problems they might be having with alcohol use and seeking treatment.”
Whatever your reason for being here is, know this: The sooner you realize that your drinking is problematic, the better. Over time, alcohol can change your brain in ways that make you more vulnerable to relapse, Dr. Fernandez says. And getting help can lower your chances of experiencing some of the devastating impacts of alcohol misuse, like liver disease, cancer, deadly injuries from accidents and violence, job loss, and more. For the record, if you answer yes to two or more of these 11 questions you can be diagnosed with AUD, but there are also more subtle red flags that you or a loved one may have a problem with alcohol. Here are five to look out for.
1. Alcohol is the only reason you look forward to social interactions.
It’s pretty normal to participate in events—themed cocktail parties, football tailgates, vineyard wine tastings—that are centered around alcohol. Yet people with AUD tend to get lost in the drinking aspect and no longer find the social interaction rewarding in and of itself. “It was kind of like my whole personality,” McFadden says. “It wasn’t about the party, concert, or fun intramural kickball game anymore. It was about ‘let’s get drunk.’”
This doesn’t mean you have an alcohol problem if you look forward to your third cousin’s wedding because you’ll have the chance to throw a few back and let loose. But you might if you’re constantly planning your life around alcohol and then bypassing other people or activities you typically enjoy just to satisfy your craving for it, Dr. Fernandez says.
2. People in your life comment on your drinking.
Just before she quit, McFadden had a conversation with her acting teacher that really shed light on her toxic relationship with alcohol. She casually mentioned that every time she drinks, she feels an insatiable desire for more, but that she didn’t believe she was addicted to alcohol. “He was like, ‘Honey, that is alcoholism.’ But I thought if I still had a job and didn’t get a bunch of DUIs that I must not be an alcoholic,” McFadden says. “When he said that, I remember it clicking in me like, Oh my God, that’s what it is. And the more I learned about it, the more I was like, Whoa, this is me. I do have a problem.”
This particular warning sign can vary from subtle to so obvious that it will be hard to dismiss even if you’re in the throes of denial. You might have a laid-back interaction, like in McFadden’s case, or one that’s deadly serious, like an intervention set up by loved ones. These comments may come from anyone (your doctor, hair stylist, younger sibling), and not just the people you spend most of your time with. “Trying to see your own alcohol use and difficulties is like trying to look into a fuzzy mirror,” Dr. Fernandez says. “The nature and scope of the problem is not always clear to the person, and sometimes it’s others that may see the problem first.”
So try not to brush any of these comments off, she suggests. Instead, resist the urge to get defensive, be open, and ask the person what exactly they’ve noticed about your drinking. A conversation might, like for McFadden, give you an aha moment that nudges you to seek professional help.
3. You start thinking your friends are boring for not drinking like you.
Right before McFadden got sober, she went out with friends and was absolutely gobsmacked when she realized they weren’t downing their drinks like she was. “I remember thinking the whole time, What the fuck? When are we going to start really drinking?” she says. “I was wildly uncomfortable and I blamed it on boredom.” McFadden recalls leaving the hangout early, buying a bottle of wine, and finishing every last drop in her bedroom alone. Dr. Fernandez says this kind of pattern is another sign that you’re prioritizing alcohol—and ignoring the people that make a night at the bar or an afternoon at brunch worth participating in.
4. You’re constantly making excuses to normalize your drinking.
No matter what situation she was in, McFadden always found an excuse to sweep her drinking under the rug. After a particularly stressful day, a glass (or five) of wine was the self-care she felt she deserved. When she vomited during work, McFadden would often blame it on an undiagnosed gluten allergy or food poisoning, not the alcohol she drank the night before. And in her 30s, when her friends veered away from the party life and started having kids, she pinned her drinking to her personality: It’s just who I am! In hindsight, though, McFadden says all of these excuses were rooted in a fierce desire to get drunk as quickly as possible. “It was so easy to lie to myself,” she says. “But the older I got, the more it was like, Oh, this is getting weird.”
5. You keep trying to quit drinking.
A major misconception about AUD is that you can’t quit drinking for days, weeks, or even months at a time, but this isn’t true for a lot of folks. McFadden was able to get through several Dry Januarys and achieve other goals she had set up just to prove that she didn’t have a problem with alcohol. But the craving would always come back with a vengeance. “From my experience,” McFadden says, “it’s easy to stop, but it’s not easy to stay stopped.”
If you can’t quit drinking, even when you really want to, that could signal an AUD, Dr. Fernandez says—but what this looks like can vary from person to person. “When we think about different bodies, biological traits, and genetic predispositions, the same amount of alcohol could cause AUD for one person and not for another,” she says. Someone with AUD may not have a desire to stop drinking because they don’t see it as a priority, while others may be able to successfully quit in their first try but end up going back to it at some point. Both scenarios can indicate an alcohol addiction.
And sometimes, quitting isn’t enough to make you feel better, McFadden admits. She assumed that cutting alcohol out of her life would fix all of her issues, but her mental health quickly went downhill. “So the problem was with my thinking, not my drinking,” McFadden says. She was ultimately sober for 11 months before she realized she needed professional help. Now even nine years later, McFadden continues to participate in the same 12-Step program that she says saved her life.
If you or a loved one are in a similar position, this search tool from the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism can help you find treatment centers in your community. Meanwhile, remember that AUD doesn’t always match the stereotypes depicted in movies and TV shows. “A lot of people can live a really engaged lifestyle and still fulfill their roles in society while having a use disorder that can take a toll on their bodies, minds, and relationships,” Dr. Fernandez says. “And I think that’s just what we have to realize.”
Related:
I Saw My Nightly Glass of Wine as ‘Self-Care.’ In Reality, I Had a Drinking Problem
14 Nonalcoholic Drinks That Are Great for Parties, Fancy Dinners, or Literally Anytime
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Originally Appeared on SELF
