6 Habits Therapists Are Begging You to Break for the Sake of Your Mental Health

Erica Sloan
·12 min read

Liudmila Chernetska/Getty Images

Adding self-care practices into your daily routine can obviously work wonders for your mood and mental health. (If you’re in the market, we’ve got suggestions for calmer mornings, afternoons, and nights—and we even compiled this list of our all-time best self-preservation ideas to sprinkle into your life whenever.) But sometimes, giving yourself a mental tune-up has more to do with letting go of the bad habits that might be subtly wearing you down than it does stacking on new ones.

It’s true: Therapists say that a bunch of daily behaviors—like how you approach getting things done and the ways you relate to others—can sabotage your mental health. But because of how ingrained these tendencies can be, you might not realize they’re killing your vibe or making you feel lousy. And that’s the last thing anyone needs in a world where protecting your peace and staying sane is already an uphill battle.

So we tapped five expert therapists to share the most common everyday habits that they wish people would break for the sake of their mental health, why they can be so sneakily detrimental, and what alternative behaviors are far more supportive.

1. You spend most of your days focused on your thoughts—versus your reality.

It’s super normal to contemplate (or worry about or stress over…) things that happened in the past or could happen in the future, Elisabeth Morray, PhD, a Boston-based licensed psychologist and vice president of clinical for online therapist directory Alma, tells SELF. Of course, you’re going to devote mental energy to evaluating, say, a fight with your mom last night, or wondering if you're going to snag that promotion, for instance—reflection can help you learn from past mistakes and looking to the future allows you to plan. But you want to be aware of how much time you’re dedicating to the thoughts in your head: This mental hubbub also yanks you out of the present and prevents you from fully experiencing what’s actually happening to you, Dr. Morray says.

That’s not ideal since you don’t want your own life to pass you by. But beyond dimming your awareness of current events, getting stuck in the swirl of your own thoughts could also hamper your mental health long-term: “Focusing on the past is connected to depression, and focusing on the future is connected to anxiety,” Rebecca Hendrix, LMFT, a New York–based psychotherapist, tells SELF. And doing either could change your behavior for the worse too. “When your mind is caught in the past, you will often default to doing what you did then,” Dr. Morray says, which may not be the most productive route. “And when your thoughts are focused on the future, you could act in ways that are centered around something that hasn’t actually happened yet,” she explains. Think: Avoiding an important conversation because you anticipate that someone may get upset or procrastinating starting a project because you predict that your boss won’t like it anyway.

What to do instead: When a certain thought becomes nagging or keeps you from engaging with whatever’s right in front of you, Dr. Morray suggests finding some psychological distance from it with a technique called defusion (as in, unfusing yourself from it). That can be as simple as naming exactly what it is—for instance, rather than saying, “My life sucks,” you might say, “I’m having the thought that my life sucks,” Dr. Morray says. It seems like a small change, but the reminder that this is just a thought and not a set-in-stone reality can help you better challenge it or let it go.

2. You use negative consequences as motivation.

If you’ve ever told yourself, “I’m not going to pee until I get this done,” or “I can’t have lunch until I finish this project,” you’ve succumbed to this bad habit—which can take on the guise of self-discipline but has the mental effect of needlessly punishing yourself, Lisette Sanchez, PhD, a bilingual and bicultural licensed psychologist based in Long Beach, California, tells SELF. When you don’t do something in a specific way or at a particular time, “you’re not in trouble, and you don’t have to put yourself in the corner,” she emphasizes. “You’re an adult with free will, and you can create other systems to help you get things done.”

Even using the promise of a reward as motivation can be a slippery slope. Sure, telling yourself you can get a little treat, like an iced latte, if you finish a task might be a helpful incentive every now and then. But over time, you risk reinforcing the misconception that you’re only deserving of good things when you muscle through hard ones. And, Dr. Sanchez adds, you’ll put yourself in the anxious state of constantly thinking about the future, or what you’ll receive after you get this thing done.

What to do instead: Make the task itself more pleasant or at least inoffensive. You don’t have to threaten yourself or dangle a carrot to get something done, Dr. Sanchez says: “You’re allowed to have the carrot while you’re doing it.” Maybe you whip up a toasty mug of hot cocoa to sip while you chug through your inbox, for instance. When you soften the blow of a hard task, it’ll feel easier to focus on it—and finish it. “What actually helps us be more present,” Dr. Sanchez says, “is enjoying our presence.”

3. You compare yourself to—and evaluate yourself against—others.

You probably know that nothing good comes from using other people’s successes (or failures) as a yardstick for your own. And yet, it’s only human nature to assess where you stand relative to others. “We’re constantly trying to figure out, ‘Am I better?’ ‘Am I worse?’ ‘Am I smarter?’ ‘Does this person have more than me?’” Dr. Morray says. “If you ever spend time watching yourself respond to people, you’ll see how quickly you get pulled into evaluation and judgment.” It’s particularly noticeable—and dangerous—with social media, where people tend to share just the highlights: “You’re comparing your backstage with other people’s front-of-house,” Dr. Morray says. But she contends that this also happens often, if more subtly, in our IRL interactions. In any scenario, it’s bound to make you feel uncomfortable with yourself, or as if you’re not good enough, or like there’s some reason that this other person has the thing you want, Dr. Sanchez says.

What to do instead: Chances are, you’re not going to be able to stop this behavior entirely, Dr. Morray says, which is why it can be helpful, at first, to call your attention to it in a nonjudgmental way. For instance, perhaps you stop and think, “I just realized I’m comparing myself to this person. Isn’t that interesting that I’m doing that?” From there, you may be able to shrink your own response and cut short the negative spiral by simply asking yourself: “So what?” Dr. Morray says. It sounds silly, but when you pause for a second, you might have the liberating realization that this thought doesn’t necessitate a response…and you can let it go.

But sometimes, the resulting pang of envy can be painful, and it’s not so easy to just pivot—which is also important to acknowledge. Building confidence and learning to love yourself are lengthy (if very worthwhile) pursuits. What Dr. Sanchez suggests if you’re often wrestling with self-comparison is to avoid getting mired in the “why” and focus more practically on eliminating triggers. One direct way to do that: Mute the social-media accounts that tend to ignite negative thoughts. “We want to be able to look and not care and just be happy for people, but sometimes we don’t have that mental capacity, and that’s okay,” she says. Just like you would leave a party if you felt uncomfortable, you can (and should) exempt yourself from online content that has the same effect, she points out.

4. You often put yourself down or self-criticize.

Even if you’re not comparing yourself to someone else, you might have developed a habit of negative self-talk, or flaming yourself for something you did or said. Such critical thoughts can easily erupt into more globally bad self-judgements, like, “I always do X bad things, or I’m never good at Y things,” Tracy Ross, LCSW, a New York City–based couples therapist, tells SELF. These assessments are especially damning, but less obvious ones can be problematic too: “Using words like ‘should’ or ‘must’ around things that aren’t moral obligations, like telling yourself you should be cleaning or exercising, as well as discounting or minimizing your accomplishments, are all subtle examples of self-shaming,” Shira Collings, LPC, a therapist who specializes in neurodiversity-affirming therapy in Newtown, Pennsylvania, tells SELF.

“Bullying yourself in this way will almost certainly lower your self-esteem and contribute to depression and anxiety,” Collings says. But here’s the kicker: This kind of commentary doesn’t light a productive fire under your butt either. It’s far more likely to result in you shutting down and not pursuing your goals, Collings adds. Indeed, one study in athletes and musicians found that self-criticism was negatively associated with motivation, while another study tied it to rumination and procrastination—both suggesting that hurling insults at yourself is far from the disciplinary flex you might think it is. As Ross puts it: “It’s paralyzing, it’s debilitating, and it’s getting in the way.”

What to do instead: Similar to the defusion technique above, Ross suggests labeling to keep negative self-talk at arm’s length: “You might say, ‘That’s my judge speaking,’ when you catch yourself being critical.” The goal is to separate the cruel language from your perception of self, and in so doing, remind yourself that these evaluations are not inherent truths. Both Collings and Hendrix also suggest pretending like you’re speaking to a friend the next time you start sizing yourself up—you probably wouldn’t tell them that they suck or they’re a worthless wreck or anything remotely close to that (and the same is true for you).

Of course, these practices can be much harder to implement than they seem—because divorcing yourself from self-criticism is no overnight endeavor. It’s the reason Collings suggests engaging in self-compassion activities (like mindful grounding exercises and meditations) on a regular basis, not just when your internal judge rears its head. Looking for specifics? Check out our full guide on how to be kinder to yourself.

5. You write off an entire day because a bad thing happened.

Little annoyances and setbacks are practically an everyday fact of life. You spill coffee on your favorite shirt when rushing out of the house, or a coworker sends you an email with an uncalled-for tone. If these things happen in the morning, they can feel like negative omens for what’s to come: Suddenly you’re accepting that it’s just going to be an awful day, Dr. Sanchez says. (I’ve even written off a whole week after an unusually rough Tuesday.) But the problem with assigning such outsize influence to one or two unfortunate events is that you fall into the trap of confirmation bias, Dr. Sanchez says. Since you’ve decided it’s going to be a bad day (or week or month), “you’re now looking for all the ways to prove how miserable you are,” she explains. And when you search, you will find.

What to do instead: It’s not practical nor productive to suggest you keep a rosy outlook at all times. Downplaying annoying events is just toxic positivity, Dr. Sanchez says. But what you can do is respond with a more neutral approach, acknowledging both the negative reality of the circumstance and your ability to course-correct. For instance, you might tell yourself that yes, actually that thing was very hard to deal with, and it makes sense that you’d feel depleted—and then give yourself 10 minutes to do something purely joy-inducing, Dr. Sanchez says, like texting a friend who makes you laugh or scrolling through funny memes. It’s not going to erase the bad event prior, but it can prevent you from carrying that energy through the rest of your day.

6. You take full responsibility for other people’s feelings.

Make no mistake: Caring about your loved ones (and your impact on them) and empathizing with how they feel is fantastic friend, family member, or partner behavior. But that’s different from allowing their concerns and emotions to dictate your actions, Ross says. Whether someone else will be disappointed or upset or sad about something you do shouldn’t be a deciding factor in whether you’ll do it, she says, assuming you’re acting in alignment with your values. When you veer into this kind of people-pleasing territory, you risk sidelining your own best interests, which will just make you unhappy and resentful.

What to do instead: Know that satisfying everyone around you is not your burden to bear, particularly when you’re making a decision that feels right to you, Ross says. Speaking of, it can be helpful to take some solo time to reflect on what you actually do (and don’t) want in any given situation (particularly if you’ve gotten so used to satisfying others that you feel disconnected from your preferences). You can also remind yourself of the freeing reality that you can’t actually control how anyone else feels about anything, Ross says. So why try to do so at the potential expense of your own feelings and values?

Of course, it’s a natural tendency for some folks, like all of the behaviors on this list—many of which are exacerbated by the unhealthy ways society measures things like success and likability. So it’s totally understandable if you do some or even all of them. The good news is, when you become more aware of how you might be falling into these mentally draining patterns, you can make moves to get out of your own way.

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Originally Appeared on Self

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